AIBU to be upset my best friend just became a Muslim?

[TakesTheCake]

I have had this best friend for 30 years. He is literally the only person in the world I can discuss anything with without either of us feeling judged, without stressing about differences of opinion or getting the other person mad if anything gets challenged. We laugh so hard on the phone (he now lives in Australia), we mostly share the same viewpoint in the world, and feel completely accepted by each other. I have always assumed this friendship was forever.

A few months ago he mentioned he was reading the Qu’ran. I didn’t think much of it as he has a very enquiring mind, and I know he has some Muslim friends. Today he called and told me he has become a Muslim. I am completely thrown, and can’t help but feel I may be losing him.

I had another friend years ago, who suddenly became a born-again Christian. At the time, although I am agnostic myself, I was pleased for her as she was in a very bad way and it really did turn her life around. But as time went on, I found that whatever we talked about was always viewed through the lens of her new faith, even when it came to issues in my life, and she was constantly trying to “save” me. I told her I did not like her bringing God into everything but she did not stop and eventually I walked away from the friendship, even though I loved her. It just created a divide that could not be breached. It was so sad but I was ultimately grateful to the religion for giving her stability. I think without it she would have died.

So now my best friend suddenly turns to Islam and I can imagine things turning out a similar way. I think religion can change people, often for the better, but when someone changes so much I am not sure where friendships fit into that. He was anxious to tell me that nothing has changed for me and him but it is so sudden, and so out of character. He has always been an atheist, despite being raised in a Catholic home. He has an imam and is praying five times a day - it is not just having found a code for life that he is drawn to in the Qu’ran. I am also thrown by the idea that he is OK with the segregation of men and women in the mosque, as this is something I fundamentally disagree with.

I am sat here tonight in tears, unable to shake the idea that I lost my best friend today. Will we still be able to discuss anything and everything without judgment? It is hard to believe we will without him referring everything back to Islam the way my friend did years ago with God. Will I have to walk on eggshells, which is the direct opposite of what our friendship has always been about. It is such a beautiful friendship!

AIBU? How would you feel? Please don’t take this as Islamophobia. I told him I was open to reading the Qu’ran to understand his journey better but got put off when he said that if you read the word of God and you don’t believe it you are “in trouble.” I took that to mean going to hell but I was too taken aback to query that. I am torn between being happy for him that he found something that makes him happy and freaking out that I lost my best friend in the world.

Would really like to hear your thoughts on whether I am being silly about this and all might be well.

As he is new to islam I would not listen to everything he says about the religion, i imagine he will have to find his way first a little bit as there are different understandings of things in islam. For the rest islam and christianity is not exacrly the same thing, there s a duty of informing other people and thats it, no one needs to save those who dont believe.

I’d feel odd about it- not specifically Islam but all converts make me feel uncomfortable. As an atheist I think you must be quite weak or fragile to decide to follow a religion you didn’t grow up with.

Recent converts to any religion tend to go over the top in their preachy ways. In a way that life long believers don't.

I was born Muslim and I am now agnostic. Hard to know how it will effect your friendship. Some people who convert become more zealous than those who were born into the religion and others are much more relaxed about things. If the former he might not feel comfortable continuing to have a close friendship with a woman. Even though I think the religion is BS I can see why it may attract people: comfort, community, discipline/structure etc. Anyway I really hope this doesn’t change the things you love about him.

Honestly? If you’ve had no idea this was coming then you’re probably not as close as you once were. It’s sad but it happens.

Two friends that have turned to religion?

You’re the common denominator.

He must have had something missing in his life. You weren't enough for him. He needs something deeper and more spiritual. And it's personal to him.

If you were a true friend then you would support him

Your post reads very much "I don't mind Muslims as long as they're not near me" . I presume you have never really met one . Now's your chance .

Why not share your fears with him and let him respond? Remind him of your past experience with a friend’s conversion. Give him some time to consider his response. You can do that with a best friend, surely?

People do change- might be partnering up, starting a business, having kids or a million other things. A good friendship can weather all these, but only with care and good will on both sides. He may well need a little distance while he integrates this big change into the rest of his life. You can do that for him, right?

Maybe consider how else you can be a better friend to him, rather than just whether he will turn off your tap of support?

I always find it depends how you arrive at faith.

Someone who is interested in philosophy and big questions and through reading about faiths realises they align with one, explores it in more detail and decides they feel there's enough evidence or reason to believe or be comfortable with doubt is going to probably remain open and tolerant. Not much would change there.

Those who have a really awful low point, or really struggle or who have quite a powerful and dramatic conversion tend to be more zealous and preachy and open to converting others. They will tend to view their life before faith as being dark and terrible and now they've seen the light and you should too. Often they've been seeking certainty and will gravitate towards religious denominations that offer order and rules and structure and set beliefs because that provides comfort for their situation in a way that the first type and life long believers probably wouldn't.

In church circles you'll find denomination matters. Some are more liberal and open to doubt and debate, whilst others it's very much there is one truth and it's our truth. I would imagine most religions are the same

Converts are the worst (bit like ex-smokers, lol). He’ll be excited about it all but tell him you are not interested in any crap and he must be really missing something if he has to rely on a religious crutch to function.

Skittkesandbeer, harsh much? I am processing what he told me, literally today. I am scared of losing someone I love dearly. I am trying to figure out the response that will make our staying friends most likely. My first response was to suggest I read the Qu’ran, but you want to paint me as a selfish person who is only concerned about a “tap of support”?

Nice.

LeMainDeFatima, I have to say I don't read OP's post like that at all.

Particularly as her concerns are based on a previous experience of a loss of friendship where a friend converted suddenly and heavily to the Christian faith.

For me, OP, I'd be pretty much saying what you said here to your friend - your fears, and why you fear them.

Obviously you have issues that are peculiar to the Muslim faith, such as segregation of men and women at the mosque - I'm wondering if you could attend a mosque open day near you where you could perhaps discuss your concerns with women of the mosque? Or that might be something you have to agree to disagree upon.

But sometimes we grow in different directions. . .and that can be hard.

Because it happened to you before doesnt mean it will again

LaMainDeFatima and you, your first response is to suggest I am lacking in my friendship to him? And how does my post suggest I “don’t mind Muslims as long as not near me?” Which bit?!

Roll along unless you have a useful insight rather than a needless attack.

YANBU but as a friend until he crosses the line or trys to save you, just be supportive. I dislike religion and I feel that way about all religions, especially when people find it when going through tough times. Plus no one likes to be preached to.

Your post sounds a bit selfish to me. It's all about how his new-found faith will affect you, with zero interest in what it might do for him. Maybe just accept the fact that not everyone can stay the same all their lives just to provide you with company that's tailored to your requirements? People change. People grow. Friendships ebb and flow. You're an adult. That's life.

I would add that Islam is very different from evangelical Christianity. Evangelical Christians are encouraged to proselytise, whereas the vast majority of Muslims are not. So already there's a huge difference between your preachy Christian friend and your friend who has converted to Islam. Do you not know any other Muslims, by any chance?

I don't believe in God but I have friends of various faiths, including Islam. To date, none of my friends' religious leanings have affected me in any way whatsoever.

mbosnz thank you. I am sitting here all tearful and don’t think I deserved the attacks. I just wanted to sanity check my responses, that is all. My experience of friends finding religion quite suddenly isn’t good so although it may seem selfish I am scared of losing him. He has been a constant in my life and we have got each other through tough times. You are right that sometimes people change and move on... but I really thought he would always be in my life. I did express some fears to him but since speaking to him my mind has been whirring and is is soundly asleep in Australia now so I wanteda place to voice them and maybe hear other people’s more positive experiences of religious conversion.

I do not know the answer. There have been a lot of Gods and religions in the history of mankind. I think that the nazi dagger had god is with us inscribed on it.

I find overtly religious people intolerable.

All the rivers lead to the ocean.

Namaste.

''he said that if you read the word of God and you don’t believe it you are “in trouble.”

That sounds weirdly controlling. I've never heard anyone religious say that. It would upset people if you read their holy book in a disrespectful way, but most religions welcome people with enquiring minds.

Op I really don't understand why you feel like you've lost your friend? One of my closest friend is Muslim and another close friend is of Hindu belief. We have been friends for decades and thus religion has not stopped us from being true friends. Why can't you still be friends with him?

Why not just see how things go?

It’s odd you’d think to read the Quran as an immediate response to him becoming Muslim. Did you read the bible when your friend became Christian?

And it doesn’t mean much that he has an ‘imam’ imams are the prayer leaders of mosques and anyone among the congregation can approach them if they have questions or queries.

I think you’re really jumping to the worse case scenario here, which is unfair.

You could also tell him you’re worries.

If he’s praying five times a day he’s not just arrived at being a Muslim, he’s been studying it for a while, and if you haven’t till this point felt any difference in your friendship his religious status has clearly not affected you’re friendship.

dollydaydream114 So when I said I am happy he found something that makes him happy and suggested I read the Qu’ran to understand better, you interpret that as zero interest in how it affects him?

Scared of losing him?
But he’s on another continent, you’re not close enough for him to have shared whatever has led up to this decision and clearly his life has changed.

YABVVVVVU, yes.

First of all, it isn't that sudden. You say yourself he told you months ago he was reading the Qu'ran. He's obviously been interested and looking into it for ages.
Then, I can't see any reason in the world that it would affect your friendship. If you are such good friends as you say you are, and maintain this across the world, then the fact he has found a faith isn't going to affect that friendship one iota - unless your prejudices put something in the way. There is nothing about having a faith that prevents friendships with people who don't.