AIBU to be upset my best friend just became a Muslim?

[TakesTheCake]

I have had this best friend for 30 years. He is literally the only person in the world I can discuss anything with without either of us feeling judged, without stressing about differences of opinion or getting the other person mad if anything gets challenged. We laugh so hard on the phone (he now lives in Australia), we mostly share the same viewpoint in the world, and feel completely accepted by each other. I have always assumed this friendship was forever.

A few months ago he mentioned he was reading the Qu’ran. I didn’t think much of it as he has a very enquiring mind, and I know he has some Muslim friends. Today he called and told me he has become a Muslim. I am completely thrown, and can’t help but feel I may be losing him.

I had another friend years ago, who suddenly became a born-again Christian. At the time, although I am agnostic myself, I was pleased for her as she was in a very bad way and it really did turn her life around. But as time went on, I found that whatever we talked about was always viewed through the lens of her new faith, even when it came to issues in my life, and she was constantly trying to “save” me. I told her I did not like her bringing God into everything but she did not stop and eventually I walked away from the friendship, even though I loved her. It just created a divide that could not be breached. It was so sad but I was ultimately grateful to the religion for giving her stability. I think without it she would have died.

So now my best friend suddenly turns to Islam and I can imagine things turning out a similar way. I think religion can change people, often for the better, but when someone changes so much I am not sure where friendships fit into that. He was anxious to tell me that nothing has changed for me and him but it is so sudden, and so out of character. He has always been an atheist, despite being raised in a Catholic home. He has an imam and is praying five times a day - it is not just having found a code for life that he is drawn to in the Qu’ran. I am also thrown by the idea that he is OK with the segregation of men and women in the mosque, as this is something I fundamentally disagree with.

I am sat here tonight in tears, unable to shake the idea that I lost my best friend today. Will we still be able to discuss anything and everything without judgment? It is hard to believe we will without him referring everything back to Islam the way my friend did years ago with God. Will I have to walk on eggshells, which is the direct opposite of what our friendship has always been about. It is such a beautiful friendship!

AIBU? How would you feel? Please don’t take this as Islamophobia. I told him I was open to reading the Qu’ran to understand his journey better but got put off when he said that if you read the word of God and you don’t believe it you are “in trouble.” I took that to mean going to hell but I was too taken aback to query that. I am torn between being happy for him that he found something that makes him happy and freaking out that I lost my best friend in the world.

Would really like to hear your thoughts on whether I am being silly about this and all might be well.

@TakesTheCake you said you are in tears because of a personal choice they made.

malificent7 You are right! I am an over thinker and it is really tedious for me sometimes.

And a Tory?! Now THAT would give me pause! 😂

And no I really have no feelings for him in that way. Never have. Just a best friend like you might have a best friend who’s a woman. He was madly dating women after his marriage ended and I can sayhsnd on heart I never felt jealousy or wanted him myself. Lots of people think a man as a best friend is weird or can never work, etc. but we have known each other since we were 18 and are 47 now. It has always just worked well for us.

I get you.

My ex partner left me when I was 8 months pregnant. With twins. He’d recently converted (or he’d say ‘reverted’ ) to Islam and the imam set up a religious arranged marriage for him with a stranger. When I kicked up a fuss, they all suggested I became the second wife.

Name change, clothes change, weird way of speaking. Preaching.

Converts to Islam often want to convert you. You’ll find his religion takes over his life. Evidently, you are wise to this and that’s why you’re so upset.

Sympathies, OP. I'd be keeping my distance from any friend who suddenly took up with an imaginary friend - people who take to religion in adulthood tend to become extremely tiresome about it whereas people who have grown up with an imaginary friend are usually capable of not inflicting it on others all of a sudden (I have some religious friends and they, being nice people, have imaginary friends who are nice like them: converts are generally inadequates who are drawn to new and interesting ways to seek attention and bully others.)

Greenmarmalade oh my goodness! What a horrible thing to happen! That dwarfs what I am sitting here fretting about. You poor thing. Pregnant and for that to happen! I hope you are OK now?! Does he see the children? Is sharing custody manageable for you in the face of all that?

Thanks, OP. He used to see them, but is too self centred to actually bother too much, thankfully! I didn’t put him on the birth certificate and insisted on fully supervised visits (by me) as I don’t trust him. I’m very fortunate that I don’t have to share custody in any way.

Anyway... I empathise. I hope it works out for you and your friend.

Frangible “Macrame/death metal” 😂😂 that really made me laugh. It is a good point too! Helped me shrink my worry a bit.

I understand OP. You are not the monster some would like to make you out to be! It's is normal to feel like that.
Any major shift can mean a friendship no longer works. It's just the way of the world. I have lost a friend to Christianity - it became impossible to be with her as she kept telling me how much Jesus loved me and that he could see I was in pain etc etc. I have Muslim friends that I have had since school but if my closest friend of thirty years suddenly converted tomorrow I would hate it.

It is not the fact that the friend is Muslim - it is the change that is worrying.

On a smaller scale when a friend gets a new boyfriend and it is all consuming, or has a baby, or joins a political group - whatever it might be - and you find that you are just not on the same page any more - it shakes your confidence a bit.

I converted to Islam and my friends all stood by me thankfully. For me though my faith is private and I don't discuss it really with my friends and family (except those who are Muslim).

I think it is a good sign that he is sharing this with you and you should try to be happy for him if you can, and carry on the friendship as normal.

By the way, I disagree strongly with segregation of men and women, a lot of Muslims do.

I think the real concern here is that your post reads a bit selfish? Its all about u losing someone, not having him around for support, yada yada
nothing sounds like a true love here! You're not concerned with whether he's happier now, feeling content, worried he might be brainwashed. You're just thibking about urself and ur potential loss.

Hannah021 So when I said I was happy that he found something that made him happy, made you think I don’t care about his happiness?

I never mentioned support, or brainwashing...

Ohhh, are you a troll?!

Re: Segregation of men and women in the mosque: I always thought that this was done so nobody is distracted from their prayers by attractive members of the opposite sex. Is this actually true?

CleopatraTomato Yes exactly! Thank you for saying you understand. It is the sea change to his views and perspective on life that could be an issue in his friendship with me. Long ago, he attempted suicide (at a time of marriage breakdown when he shut everyone out for a couple of months) so I am happy about anything that brings him happiness and stability, and that worry about him has been there ever since. But as yet it is so new that a. I don’t know what this till bring to his life ongoing, and b. It is natural to worry about loss of friendship. It is all to be seen. I worry too much, I know!

Gutsout

I’m being a cow? Aren’t you sweet. Didn’t bother reading the rest as insults here are utterly inappropriate and unnecessary.

Seriously? Half the comments are so rude ! She's not attacking Islam or religion at all but worried about a very dear friendship changing.

I think you should support him but if he starts to go on and on about it and isn't talking normally then perhaps take a step back? In understand your worried about loosing a close friend. I'd feel the same way

emmy1997

Thank you so much!! Thanks 🙏 thanks. I have been shocked by the attacks too. I thought it was clear the religious conversion and sudden fervour was the problem, not the chosen religion. And while I did think maybe I was (typically) worrying too much I didn’t think it was crazy to have some fears for the friendship.

I have my mum, my husband and my kids, but I have no other family and so my best friend is incredibly important to me. He is practically family and I adore him. He’s awesome! We weathered his move to Australia, but this came so out of the blue. Couple of months ago he was reading the Qu’ran - we had a discussion where we wondered what the truth of the religion was, as there is so much negativity in the press and the press is bullshit - and then he is suddenly a Muslim. I thought most people would be thrown by it.

I am gonna make your comment the last one I read tonight. As it was all making me feel worse!

We owned a property in a Muslim country for a few years and spent a lot of time there. Most of the people we became friends with were pretty much similar to people we are friends with here, they hardly ever discussed religion and some of them were unbelievers(of course they couldn't voice that publically).

However, being born and brought up in a religion is different to choosing to convert. I don't know how a friendship between a Muslim man and a married women would be viewed by his new religious community. In your position as his friend this is of more concern than whether ir not he woukd try to convert you. Your friendship means a lot to you but you are right to question how this will change his thoughts on his long-standing relationships and I think your extreme upset is a type of mourning for your long term friendship.

i think some people can have faith and not be preachy.
there are lots of things pepole interit in the bible which i dont think would be current today either.but to my mind god/jesus wouldnt agree with them either.times have changed.and having faith in all orgiving and "good" gods means they too would love and adapt too..just like many muslims have a really strong faith but dont agree with the segregation or downgrading of woman.
so he could have found a faith that gives him faith.
so myabe just keep going.dont lose him if it doesnt come to anything.your setting yourelf up to fail then.
youll soon find out if things have changed but until then you keep with it.it might be ok.

For anyone interested look up David wood on YouTube

As he is new to islam I would not listen to everything he says about the religion, i imagine he will have to find his way first a little bit as there are different understandings of things in islam. For the rest islam and christianity is not exacrly the same thing, there s a duty of informing other people and thats it, no one needs to save those who dont believe

This. My brother has been a Muslim for over forty years, so I know a lot of Muslims. Recent converts do tend to be a bit fervent and try to convert other people, but that usually passes within a year or two. As it is you can usually ask a Muslim anything about their beliefs and they will just answer your question but not go on and on, as Christian converts tend to do.

My brothers friends are some of the loveliest people I have ever met and we understand each other on so many levels.

That thing he said about it being questionable/dangerous (???) for someone who doesn’t believe to read the Qur’an - presumably he didn’t yet believe when he started investigating it?

That comment alone is divisive, controlling and shows he is already changing, I think. You don’t have to be endlessly facilitating about this if he sets up a dynamic which is skewed.

I think you’re being a bit dramatic to be honest. He’s probably just a bit OTT as it’s a new thing and will calm down. Conversion to religion doesn’t change a person - I’m a Christian and am able to have a conversation about pretty much everything without bringing up the fact that I’m a Christian. He may have some slightly different opinions or insights now but I don’t see why you think he’ll be like a different person, and if you love him as much as you say you do then you’ll respect this change or just avoid controversial topics when talking with him.

When I saw the title I thought you were upset that you wouldn’t be able to like go out for drinks together etc anymore - which would possibly bother me as I have a lot of friends who I love catching up with other a glass of wine - but if he lives in Australia then surely you can’t do that anyway? (And even if he was here you could just go for coffee or whatever instead.) So I’m not really understanding what you’re worried about.

*over a glass of wine