AIBU to be upset my best friend just became a Muslim?

[TakesTheCake]

I have had this best friend for 30 years. He is literally the only person in the world I can discuss anything with without either of us feeling judged, without stressing about differences of opinion or getting the other person mad if anything gets challenged. We laugh so hard on the phone (he now lives in Australia), we mostly share the same viewpoint in the world, and feel completely accepted by each other. I have always assumed this friendship was forever.

A few months ago he mentioned he was reading the Qu’ran. I didn’t think much of it as he has a very enquiring mind, and I know he has some Muslim friends. Today he called and told me he has become a Muslim. I am completely thrown, and can’t help but feel I may be losing him.

I had another friend years ago, who suddenly became a born-again Christian. At the time, although I am agnostic myself, I was pleased for her as she was in a very bad way and it really did turn her life around. But as time went on, I found that whatever we talked about was always viewed through the lens of her new faith, even when it came to issues in my life, and she was constantly trying to “save” me. I told her I did not like her bringing God into everything but she did not stop and eventually I walked away from the friendship, even though I loved her. It just created a divide that could not be breached. It was so sad but I was ultimately grateful to the religion for giving her stability. I think without it she would have died.

So now my best friend suddenly turns to Islam and I can imagine things turning out a similar way. I think religion can change people, often for the better, but when someone changes so much I am not sure where friendships fit into that. He was anxious to tell me that nothing has changed for me and him but it is so sudden, and so out of character. He has always been an atheist, despite being raised in a Catholic home. He has an imam and is praying five times a day - it is not just having found a code for life that he is drawn to in the Qu’ran. I am also thrown by the idea that he is OK with the segregation of men and women in the mosque, as this is something I fundamentally disagree with.

I am sat here tonight in tears, unable to shake the idea that I lost my best friend today. Will we still be able to discuss anything and everything without judgment? It is hard to believe we will without him referring everything back to Islam the way my friend did years ago with God. Will I have to walk on eggshells, which is the direct opposite of what our friendship has always been about. It is such a beautiful friendship!

AIBU? How would you feel? Please don’t take this as Islamophobia. I told him I was open to reading the Qu’ran to understand his journey better but got put off when he said that if you read the word of God and you don’t believe it you are “in trouble.” I took that to mean going to hell but I was too taken aback to query that. I am torn between being happy for him that he found something that makes him happy and freaking out that I lost my best friend in the world.

Would really like to hear your thoughts on whether I am being silly about this and all might be well.

cherry2727 I think the difference is in the sudden change. Your friends were already of a faith.

I "lost" a friend who became a Jehovah's Witness so I understand your feelings a little. She wasn't my closest friend but I do remember the wall that went up between us because she believed fully in something that I do not.

I would say to your friend that you still are his friend but you do not share his views on Islam and do not want to follow him into that religion. If he can't cope with that then sadly you will have to bear the pain of losing him.
But it might be that he will change his mind again? who knows?

I wouldn't let him try to convert you either. It is exhausting trying to be reasonable when batting away someone else's religious faith.
It is really disrespectful of him though that a simple "I am not interested" is not enough. I used to tell my friend that I had my own spiritual beliefs and did not have any interest in her religion but she kept pushing.
In the end I had to go NC just for sake of my own sanity . But as your friend is in Australia the physical distance will prevent him harassing you at home.
I hope that the outcome will not be too painful for you.

frazzledasarock I thought to read the Qu’ran as it was what inspired him and I wanted to understand that journey and understand him better. I didn’t offer to read the Bible for my Christian friend as I am already quite familiar with it and the grounds upon which I personally reject it.

I am jumping to the worst case, yes you are right. I am a worry wart in all things so sadly no change there. I am going to see how it goes and see how things feel moving forwards and hope for the best, but the whole thing with my Christian friends was a big painful deal that just came screaming back to me.

YANBU

I wouldn't be worried in principal about a friend converting to any religion,
but part of your OP would worry / repel me:

"he said that if you read the word of God and you don’t believe it you are “in trouble.”'

I got friendly with a group from the local Evangelist church a few years ago
I thought they were lovely people and then ....
I attended one of their services and one of them - a lay preacher - was thundering to the congregation:

"if you don't believe in Jesus, you will go to hell"

and realised that I needed to end that friendship group

Give it some time OP not all reglious people are like your other friend who try to force their religion onto other people. This does not mean your relationship are going to change. My friends had no clue I was until they found out I am having a church wedding and brought up going to curch so unable to meet them etc as I go regularly.

I don’t think there’s an onus on you to research the faith.

I would talk to him over time though, about the parts that are concerning for you in the context of views you may previously have shared- like has his attitude to women/segregation of the sexes changed now, what about his views on homosexuality/sex before marriage? If these have never been issues you’ve discussed or held together then maybe they won’t matter as much to your friendship?

I speak as someone with a very dear friend who is Muslim and has always been. She’s really very liberal or at least very “liberal-tolerant” (!) in her views, and had always been extremely supportive of my lifestyle choices and those of others despite, or maybe because of, a very deep and thoughtful personal faith. She’s an awesome person and I feel I could tell her anything and it wouldn’t shock her.

So it’s definitely not necessarily the end of a beautiful friendship but as it is a huge life change I do think you should discuss and probe it with your friend as much as you potentially would with any other major life event- having kids, getting married, emigrating. It’s right and good to talk about whether it will alter your friendship.

Maybe consider how else you can be a better friend to him, rather than just whether he will turn off your tap of support?
I wondered this too, actually.

You said you are in tears, feeling you will lose him. He may drift a bit, but if you really can talk about everything, then talk about THIS. About what appeals to him, what draws him. Just keep talking.

goldfinchfan thanks for the understanding. I feel a bit attacked tbh but past experiences do impact on us. I don’t think he would try to convert me like she did. He didn’t try to do that. He very much just wanted me to understand where he was at and how he got there and to say that I am his bestie still.

Your post reads very much "I don't mind Muslims as long as they're not near me" . I presume you have never really met one . Now's your chance.

Muslims aren’t a different species though. They are humans who all try and follow a very set idea of how to live life. Which is the bit the Op is concerned with having had a different friend go through it with Christianity. The effect of finding religion is often negative regardless of which one it is. By its very nature you have to be closed minded to other ideas.

It would be like losing a friend to drugs. They were your friend but the drugs became more important. If you then saw another friend go down the same route with alcohol you would obviously worry.

I once shared a (small) office with a Catholic, a Buddist and a Jahovah's Witness. It sounds like there should be a punchline, doesn't it? We all had different backgrounds and beliefs, but honestly I have never laughed and enjoyed the company of a group of people so much. Not all religious devotees are militant and if he respects you your friendship won't change.

One of my best friends went happy clappy and it did affect our relationship.

But if sounds really like you need a bf, if you’re this invested in this Male friend.

I didn’t cry when my friend came out - just got irritated with the Jesus schtick.

I understand completely: converting to a faith which will have such a significant effect on his thought processes and approach to life will absolutely change your friendship forever and you have every right to feel that loss.

Maybe just keep an open mind and hope for the best, detach from it, ask him about it, but also keep on expressing yourself as you always did in terms of telling your own story. And see how it unfolds.

Friendships have to change.

Some posters have been unnecessarily harsh with you. Friendships matter so much. We all long for more and deeper friendships and grieve the friends we lose. It’s ok to acknowledge your feelings about this.

TatianaLarina Need a bf? I have a husband. I didn’t feel the need to give up my male best friend when I got married though. I am invested in him... he’s my best friend so of course I am. But it is completely non-sexual and always has been.

You can't prevent his religious choice and he can't prevent you being anxious about how this might change him and your friendship. All you can do is wait and see. Let him be honest about where he stands now in relation to your friendship and be honest yourself. Some friendships weather the storm of radical changes other friendships are just for a certain time Hope it works out for you both.

OP if your friend is not going to convert you then there is still room for friendship.
I guess it has to be a bit of time will tell.
I hope that your friendship will continue but I also feel that it will be changed. It cannot be the same but what exactly changes is what you will find out as you go along.

You could talk to him about what has pulled him to go this way. If you understand it might help you, not only to be a friend to him but also to help you cope with the changes that will come. If you get where he is at that will help. Good luck.

AtrociousCircumstance Thank you. It seemed to me that some fears were natural but then so many people thought I was being selfish or islamophobic that I was wondering if I was mad!

I am fearing the worst, as that was my previous experience, but still hoping for the best. I want him to be happy of course but if that happiness takes him away from me it will be heartbreakingly hard for me. I see it as a possibility but am going to call him when time zones allow and share the thoughts I have had since talking to him. Honesty has always been our thing so I will do that as soon as I can.

I understand why your upset. I have Muslim, Christian and Johova friends but they always have been religous. They dont try to convert me and we have very interesting and enlightening conversations. Each faith is presented as appealing - because it's only broached when I ask.

Give him some time to cool / settle into it. If he trys to spin everything back to religion you need to find a standard sentence to strear him back off topic.

Let him tell you how wonderful it is once hes lived it, for months ( years 😂) he doesn't get to to sell it until hes lived it. How you put that into words I have no idea. But I think I would try that tack.

"I'm happy for you. But. You know I dont want to talk religion. Why dont you really get to experience and find your feet first. Then we will have more worthwhile conversations on the topic"

But better worded

You sound hugely invested in this friendship. If he was a boyfriend then I would expect the advice to be “he’s just not that into you.” Don’t make his new faith all about you. Get on and live your life with your DH and hobbies and family etc.

Speaking as someone who thinks all religion is a load of bollocks, I think you have to just wait and see how it goes.

If he becomes too religious and preachy/judgmental etc and your conversation is difficult etc, then your friendship will unfortunately die off. If religion suits him, and he’s totally reasonable and allows you to carry on your normal life and interactions with him, then it’s just another part of him and isn’t a problem.

I suspect you’ll get a hard time here as people will call you Islamophobic, but you’ve had a bad experience of Christianity too... Not helpful really, but I think you’ll have to wait and see. Hopefully, even after taking up Islam, he still talks and treats you nicely, as a woman. Time will tell. Goodluck

Wolfiefan but... aren’t people usually hugely invested in their best friend? It’s not a best friend if not invested?

Not that much. Not in the way that they share big news and all you can think of is how it affects you.

Depends if he's become judgemental and/or is trying to convert you. I converted to Judaism a while back and I did used to be a bit holier-than-thou, but I got over myself and am a lot more relaxed now. Converts to any faith tend to be a bit gung-ho about it, same with born-agains or baalei teshuvah, the Orthodox Jewish equivalent. I've known a couple of baal teshuvah guys who were very hardcore, like they wouldn't touch women and one of them was trying to persuade me to go more Orthodox.

Wolfiefan How have I done that?

I think you are way overthinking this. One of my best mates converted to the Tory party ...i hate them...we avoid talking politics. Just avoid talking religion... and make that clear. Tbh it sounds as though you have deeper feelings for him than you admit.

Just tell him you’re not interested in his new religious hobby, just as you would if he started bending your ear about CrossFit/macramé/death metal and talk about other things.