To expect a thank you at least?

[LampLighterInn]

'Morning all,

This is bugging me somewhat and I'd appreciate your thoughts.

I recently looked after my friend's cat for 2 weeks whilst they were away. I also looked after her when friend was away earlier in the year, in fact I've often been asked and have always said 'yes'.

I look after her pretty well, I pop up to friend's house twice, often 3 times a day (if she doesn't appear) and I sit with her for 30 mins whilst she eats, walks away, comes back, eats and we usually have a play and a cuddle, she's a sweet cat. I wash up her bowls so that they are clean when friend returns home.

The bit that has got me is that friend never thanks me, not a text, or a face to face, even after she's returned home and we've met up. I asked how Cat is when we met and friend replies that 'Cat' is really good but never says: "Thank you for looking after her for me" it might sound trivial but I feel taken for granted, especially as she doesn't return the favour when I'm away.

I have another friend look after my pets, she does it beautifully and to recognise this I buy her a thank you card and a gift, she's doing me a huge favour and looking after my pets is an effort for her and takes time out of her day.
This friend is not a friend of 'Cat's' owner.

When I met up with the first friend after her holiday, she was carrying a gift bag but didn't mention it, so when we said goodbye I referred to it and it was a gift for someone else!

So I'm feeling....well, upset to be honest.

This isn't an isolated incident, there's been a number of things in the past that have happened.

AIBU to expect a 'thank you'? Or is this just how things are these days?

She's ungrateful and a user. I look after my neighbour's plants when she's away, which is much less demanding/responsible than looking after a pet. She always thanks me and usually brings me back a lovely present (herb tea, olive oil). Not that I expect the presents! But a thank you is pretty basic manners.

Next time I would just say "no I can't do it again I'm afraid" and if she asks just tell her why x

YANBU! We pay someone to do it and I still make sure to say thank you.

MIL looks after our cat if we go away. We normally either cook her a meal or take her out for dinner just beforehand, to give her the spare keys, then I send her flowers when we get back. She’s retired, loves cats, and is happy to do it, but she’s doing us a huge favour, so of course we thank her.

It’s not so much about money, more that it would be stressful and upsetting for the cat to go into kennels, particularly if it’s a short break.

I pay someone and always buy them a gift if it's over a week. I'm happy my pets are happy and I want my pet sitter to feel valued

I did this for my sisters holiday. We do lots of favours for one another and I still got a big thank you and a dreadful tacky fridge magnet (I have a bit of a passion for them!)

She is taking the piss. Stop being a doormat!

I would definitely go with
"I'm unable to look after your cat this time. If you want me to look after your cat in the future, here are the 'mates rates'. Alternatively, here is the phone number of a lovely cattery that I can recommend."

Don't look after her cat again. Or if you do, make sure that you haven't looked after it in a while so she appreciates you more. You're way underappreciated here.

Yes I remember looking after a "friend's" large untrained Labrador for five weeks while they had an expensive holiday in South Africa, They didn't even leave enough food for him so had to buy more.

I drove him back to their house after the holiday where I was greeted indifferently and wasn't even offered a cup of tea let alone a box of chocolates.

I never did it again much as I loved him. Presumably people like that just assume that as you love animals they are doing you the favour.

So what are you going to do @LampLighterInn

Yanbu

Our neighbours have looked after our cat on the odd weekend for us and I have always given them a thank you card, wine and chocolates as a token of our appreciation.

I think lots of people with pets feel that they’re doing you a favour letting you look after them. I’m always happy to help, that’s why we’re friends! But quite honestly it’s quite tedious going to someone’s house a couple of times a day.

Queeq your friend’s are really rude, I’d be so offended by that.

We look after a friend's small dogs from time to time. My teeange DS walks them. The friend always pays my DS lavishly when he returns, even though he knows DS loves the dogs and would do it for free.

If you don't want confrontation (which I understand) you can always frame a refusal in the "you seem to be unhappy with the way I've been looking after your cat, so it's probably best if I don't do it this time" if she asks again. That puts the onus on her to express her approval and gratitude.

I'm shocked! You sound like a fantastically caring and responsible person. She is very rude indeed. You must just say that you can't do it again, then do it for someone else who does appreciate you and charge them a fair rate.

I once looked after neighbour's small pet for 2 weeks. Towards the end I thought he looked like he wasn't pooing much but otherwise all ok. I left her a discrete note suggesting vet trip (so kids wouldn't be upset). Poor pet died of previously undiagnosed cancer the next week. She said to me "I bought you and gift but he died so I ate it". I pointed out that I did not cause the mouse's illness and had looked after him very well. Some people are just rude.

YANBU OP I totally get what you're saying, your friend is extremely rude and ill-mannered. A thank you is the very least she could say but some chocolates or flowers would be nice. You sound lovely & like she's taking advantage of you.

I'm returning from holiday and NDN looked after Dcat so I'm now looking for a suitable gift, nothing too expensive or ostentatious though as I simply can't afford it & I had a relative popping in for free whilst I was as away too but was great to have lovely neighbour on hand. I wouldn't dream of not saying thanks or acknowledging their help!

YANBU, she is rude and I wouldn’t do it again.

Firstly, I'd like to thank you ALL for your advice, comments and experiences. I really thought there was an issue with me expecting too much, which is why I threw this towards MN for your thoughts.

I have of course, spoken with DH about this, but because he knows this isn't an isolated incident he's not impartial.

I know that 'Friend's' behaviour and bad manners isn't right, I had thought she was like this to everyone but when I saw she had bought a present for another friend she was meeting after me, I realised she's just bloody rude and I'm obviously just a 'useful' person to know!

There has been a whole list of things she's done that I questioned myself on over and over again, but this is going to be the end of me being treated like a doormat.

Before I posted my OP, I did think about writing her an email, but what's the point? It wouldn't feel 'real' if she then changed her attitude.

The interesting thing is that before we became closer friends she was actually pretty thoughtful and considerate. She's got a lot going on in life as we all have and I'd made that into a reason for her rudeness. BUT! When I saw the gift for this other friend I woke up.

I'm going to look into making this into a business, if you definitely think there's a market for it then I'd be daft not to explore it as a venture.

Thank you again, I'm relatively new to MN and you've shown me what's really going on, which I suspected but needed impartial advice.

I wouldn't say I 'can't' look after her cat again; rather 'I don't want to' as my efforts are never acknowledged.

My DM always said that if you don't offer a thank you gift to someone after they've done you a favour, then you really can't ask them again. She has always said thank you and given chocolates/wine/biscuits to anyone doing her a favour: the neighbour taking in the post when she and DF are away, the builder neighbour who did a little 15 min job for her and didn't charge, etc. Your DFriend is massively taking advantage and clearly now thinks that this is part of your 'job' as her friend: she is now taking it for granted that you will look after the cat. No matter how lovely the cat is, no-one should allow themselves to be used and under valued.

Yes, there’s ‘favours’ and there’s ‘I’ve saved you £x in cattery fees’

Great idea for a business op. I pay a
cat sitter £8 per 1/2 hr visit.

Definitely look into cat feeding as a business. Many cats prefer to stay in their own homes and come and go as normal rather than be sent to kitty prison a cattery.

I also pay £16 a day for 2 visits for feeding, medication, general health check, although in reality this involves my cat sitter standing at the door rustling bags of dreamies while my cats hide in the bushes and laugh at her.

I found my cat sitter via the local vets, so that's probably a good place to advertise - she already took her own pets there, so they sort of knew her anyway, and she's insured and police checked too.

My NDN comes in and feeds our canary, takes him out to the terrace, brings him back in in the evening, talks to him. We went to Greece and when we came back she had a big box of Greek baklavá, Being half Greek she appreciated it. It shows you appreciate someone's time and don't take them for granted.

When we went on holiday last year we bought our neighbour a bottle of gin, some naice food and some flowers.

@LampLighterInn - just seen your update. Good for you! Do explore the possibility of making it into a business for yourself. Even if the only client you have is her, you'll not be taken for granted anymore!

I don't think she is a true friend, @LampLighterInn - as others have said she is a cheeky fucker and a user. As such, I would have no compunction about being utterly up-front with her:

"Hi there CF friend. I recently looked after your cat for the Nth time, and I wonder if you realise that you have never thanked me for looking after the cat - not even once. Your cat is lovely, but I am no longer willing to be used by you as a cat-sitter when you cannot be bothered to thank me or acknowledge my efforts in any way.

Yours, LampLighterInn."