To object to being told what to drink / is this mansplaining?

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

Im actually laughing at the utterly ridiculousness of this. So im currently speaking to a guy who i briefly dated over the last few months. We are very different people but we do like each other and seem inexplicably drawn to each other.
Anyway, we have been rehashing why it didnt work and i told him i didnt like how he always told me what to do. He said he only told me to not swear as he doesnt like swearing fuck off. I said he told me what to do all the time.
Example: en route to a meal on a hot day, i said 'Ooo i fancy a nice refreshing glass of soda water'. His response is 'What's wrong with tap water'. Im a bit like and he kind of pushed it a bit going on for my to get tap water.
He is saying he only said that because 'I thought you were trying to be healthy'. But soda water IS healthy?! It is literally just carbonated water. No calories, sugar, sweeteners, nada!!! Just a nice refreshing drink! Half the time it doesnt even cost anything because places have it on tap.
Sorry i digress. Anyway, conversation goes along the lines of:
Me: "How is soda water not healthy?!"
Him: "Dont know what it is. All i know is tap water is good".
So he doesn't even know what it is but still felt the need to tell me to get something different! Am i not an intelligent enough woman to be able to pick my own soft drink?!
We're having the most ridiculous debate and he cannot seem to grasp the concept that it's rather patronizing & draining when someone feels the need to challenge your every choice. Like ive got to my 30's without being able to make a decision on what soft drink to order .
He is saying ive made a massive deal out of it he doesnt care what i drink. Well why tell me to do something else then?
Thats like going oh you support Tottenham do you, how about support Chelsea instead?
ARGHHHHHH
He says why am i making a big deal about it, if this bothers you then i dread what serious issues are like.
Because my friend, If you are this controlling over what type of water i drink then i dread how you would be over serious joint decisions!

He is the one who sounds like hard work, not OP!

Soda water is indeed rank though.

@Mxyzptlk

Yes. His exact words were:
I think I'll be able to put up with you a few times a week at most 😂

And id put a lovely dress on and when i got in the car he just went "I thought you were going to wear the black dress" as though i was overdressed (the one i wore was just a long grecian style maxidress id got from a beach shop in Greece). Made me really really deflated. Not "oh you look nice" or anything like that.

Op sorry I wasn't saying you were sexist I just mean I dont like that word. Deffo think by some of the other things you have said on here though that the guy sounds like a complete dick. Saw the post about the black dress, wow who is anyone to say what you can and cant wear, can and cant drink. Hopefully you will realise you are worth more than that and ditch him before you find out what other shitty traits he possesses.

OP, he sounds like an utter twat! You are well rid (COMPLETELY rid, not 'once a week if he can cope').

God thanks everyone i needed this kick up the arse. I wasted enough time the first time around no point going back there.

I get you Op- no point in even staying mates with him-sounds like a negative draining mood sucker and potential controlling personality type. Who needs that in their life? Personally I'd block him.

Jeez you are hard work. He just asked a question.

my guess is your boundaries are really really weak and your standards in men are really really low. Saying "are you going out dressed like that?" is just a question too. But I'd dump any man who asked it of me. Someone who gave me a hard time for drinking soda water ditto. How about Jeez he is hard work - you just asked for water.

Don't know why you are bothering rehashing this shit with him OP. He'll never see what he is doing as crap - but it is. Wouldn't have him as a friend either.

He’s done a real number on your self esteem. He wants you to feel grateful that he’s prepared to see you at all.

Just block him everywhere.

Ding! NEXT!

@pallisers

And thats the bald truth of it all. Dont settle i suppose. I think he kind of started slipping these critiques in slowly and gradually and i should have seen it coming.
Theres no point debating it with him either as it just went round in circles, hence it looking like i was making such a big deal of it.
Ah well back to the drawing board i suppose.

"So when ppl asked your mum dad brother ect why you not seeing that lad from , I bet you said because he said I should drink tap water 😂😂😂😂"

Yes mocking me is a great way to endear yourself to me. I stopped replying soon after that then he sent me 6 messages in a row.

Answer him "No, I said it's because you're a complete twat"

"So when ppl asked your mum dad brother ect why you not seeing that lad from , I bet you said because he said I should drink tap water 😂😂😂😂"

yes

That is what I would reply to that. Just Yes.

He is an irritating fucker isn't he?

(and my mum, dad and sister would have agreed with me if I dumped him for that - this guy is trolling for a woman who is so glad to get a man she puts up with his shit. I look forward to the day these woman don't exist because we all know we deserve much better)

Tbh my mum, dad & brother stopped asking about him as there was clearly never anything good to say about him.

My brother switched off ages though when id said id paid for a date. But then my brother is very traditionalist. Whereas i am more in the middle.

I showed a photo of this guy to one of my friends and she said he looked dead behind the eyes, like he had no soul 🙈

Im not going to settle for substandard behaviour. Id be better off on my own than that

He asked you what was wrong with tap water. That’s not controlling, it’s a question.

Bullshit. It's a very loaded question at most. "What's wrong with..." is clearly a value judgement as well as a question.

• I’d like steak and chips.

• What’s wrong with a stale morsel of bread?

Off topic: I can drink litres of soda water in one day. Love the stuff. However, I was told that any carbonated drinks of any type, including soda water, can leach some of the calcium out of your teeth. So, unwittingly, he was sort of right.

Stop talking to this man. Nothing good can come of it.

You are inexplicably drawn to him because there is a part of your brain that wants to force him to stop playing these mind games, to cut through his irrational, unreasonable nonsense and create harmony.
This is not going to happen. He wants you on the back foot, continually feeling pressured and accepting that you have to answer to him and explain your thoughts and decisions and preferences to him while he just sits back and slowly turns you into a gibbering wreck (this is where this sort of relationship ends).

Every time you try to explain what is troubling you about the relationship, either to him or to others, you will be faced with comments like 'It's only water/ you are hard work'/ he(I) only asked a question'

This man has got under your skin.

Before you embark on another relationship you need to read up as much as you can about narcissists, and maybe even go to counseling to detox yourself emotionally and learn how to strengthen your boundaries.

Hahaha yes i was aware of the calcium thing. I dont drink gallons of it though.
It just makes me laugh he didnt even know what it was.
If he had said "oh i thought maybe its like soda" as in the generic term americans use for bad fizzy drinks then i would have been fair enough but he didnt even come up with this comparison. He literally had no clue what it was.

Thank you @mathanxiety

Me: "How is soda water not healthy?!"

Should it come up in future, don't bother getting drawn into a debate. I would advise, instead of the above, saying something along the lines of "Fortunately I'm an adult, and can drink whatever the fuck I like".

I was in a toxic relationship for around 2 years and i think its really skewed my perception of things. Toxic guy never hit me but would shout and get very angry. Would never say no if you asked for anything, but would carry on with such drama you stopped asking. Anything to do with my friends or family, he would always engineer a big argument first. Tbh i was a shell of myself by the time we split. Coupled with i had nowhere to live. That was 2 years ago this winter.

Anyway Tap Water guy doesnt shout or really show any emotion but i think its like more insidious, psychological warefare and you are right he did get under my skin i guess.

I was worn out just reading your description of his irritatingness, OP.

I wouldn't bother going on a second date.

@BadLad

Haha i can drink whatever the fuck i like

Ahhh yes that is my problem i always get drawn into the debate and i find it frustrating when people wont see other people's point of view when i try to see theirs. Ah fuck it, il leave em to it in future!

Wavescrashing do look at therapy.

Women's Aid run the Freedom Programme. It's tailor made for you.

Look into assertiveness training. Many counseling practices offer it.