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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret 2 witness wedding and no traditional wedding reception....

69 replies

Amibeingsensitive · 09/09/2019 22:28

Also posted in weddings, posting here too for more thoughts and opinions

Would really like your honest opinion please on this

Thinking of getting married in registry office in secret apart from the two witnesses. Then say a week later send out invites/e vites to everyone to invite them to a night out just to have a drink and a dance like your typical night out really instead of a sit down traditional reception.

It's very low key, casual, stress free and well won't cost much.

I'm thinking a glorified night out will suit the low key marriage with two witnesses?

My parents aren't alive anymore but my stbh parents are still about but he says they won't mind not seeing us actually get married.

We literally aren't going to tell anyone apart from the two mandatory witnesses. No one will know we've got hitched till they get an invite saying basically 'we've got married come and celebrate with us at such and such bar name at 9pm'

Is this the worst idea ever?

Should we do the traditional wedding & reception? Would you be mortified to receive an invite like that and what would you think of the couple?

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 09/09/2019 22:37

Sounds absolutely fine to me! I'd be happy to receive an invite like that from any of my friends, and all I'd think of the couple would be 'Good on them!'

If DP and I ever get married we're just going to take our parents and siblings for a nice meal. The idea of a traditional wedding utterly terrifies me.

BitOfFun · 09/09/2019 22:40

It sounds great. As for what I'd think of the couple, I'd be delighted for them.

cochineal7 · 09/09/2019 22:41

Sounds lovely. I would not inform PILs by message though - at least go and see them face to face to give them the news before anyone else.

georgialondon · 09/09/2019 22:42

My kind of wedding 👍🏼

Seren85 · 09/09/2019 22:42

Sounds lovely and you should absolutely have the wedding you want. I'd only be concerned that people might not be free at short notice which is fine for a random night out but you might be missing people that you really want to celebrate with due to scheduling conflicts that they can't move.

maddy68 · 09/09/2019 22:43

Could you have the parents as witnesses they might be very upset (even if they tell you they won't be )

Tokenismjest · 09/09/2019 22:46

That’s what I did! It was perfect! Incredibly romantic & zero pressure. I highly recommend it!

user1573624 · 09/09/2019 22:47

I have been reading that civil partnership should be available for opposite sex couples by the end of this year. I wonder if this would be more up your street, so you have all the legal protection of marriage without the pomp and expense?

Original poster
Amibeingsensitive · 09/09/2019 22:48

Yeah we'd send the night out invites out for a month before 😊 hopefully a month is enough notice

OP posts:
Frangible · 09/09/2019 22:48

We did that, minus the night out afterwards. All of our parents were/are alive, but frankly, the minute you start inviting parents, it turns into something more than just two people getting married in jeans and going for tapas with their witnesses.

Yours sounds great.

Username5 · 09/09/2019 22:49

I did this! Married in secret then threw a huge party afterwards to celebrate. We told our parents in person though. Everyone loved it! Really stress free and a lot cheaper than the full day..

people who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind 😊

Tokenismjest · 09/09/2019 22:49

& we just took wedding cake round to parents’ houses when we told them. Both sets of parents divorced, my father in a home with dementia- so I wouldn’t have felt comfortable with him not being with me. Ideal wedding - only people who needed to be there were!

Shmithecat2 · 09/09/2019 22:50

That's what I wanted to do. But some family members on DHs side would've been upset 🙄. Do whatever you want, it sounds fab to me!

SuitedandBooted · 09/09/2019 22:52

That is pretty much what we did! Friend 1 lent me a beautiful dress, and bought me a bouquet, Friend 2 took pics, and brought some bubbles to blow over us!

We ended up that evening in the local wine bar with a few more friends. We're not poor, and don't have any major family issues. It was just that we had been together a long time, and a full-on wedding seemed like too much faff. We also didn't tell anyone (not even family0 until afterwards, and I didn't change my name.

I'm not really one to care what other people think, - eveyone I've told about it since seems either a bit "Oh, Okaaay!", or "God, I wish we had done that!"

Your day, your choice. I would love to go to a similar party Smile

runoutofnamechanges · 09/09/2019 23:05

Honestly, as a parent of adult DC, I would be really upset if they did this, although I wouldn't let them know that's how I felt. I don't care about about a big wedding or fancy reception, that has nothing to do with me, but I would want to be there at the ceremony, however low key, and I couldn't help feeling a bit sad that they didn't want me there.

I was actually witness for a DF in exactly the same scenario. They didn't have any reason why they didn't want family there other than they wanted it to be simple and low key, and logistics were a nightmare as they lived on the other side of the world. I was there when they surprised DF's parents with the news and although they were ecstatic for them and had nothing but congratulations and lovely things to say, the look on their faces for a millisecond when they broke the news was a little disappointed even though they hid it well.

Is there any reason why you wouldn't want your PILs to come?

Redshoeblueshoe · 09/09/2019 23:11

And as a parent of someone who did this I was delighted for them.
It was exactly the right thing for them to do.

Original poster
Amibeingsensitive · 09/09/2019 23:12

No his parents are lovely but he's really not bothered about them seeing us get married so I'm like ok fine ill just ask my brother and his girlfriend 🤷🏻‍♀️ they are his parents not mine so I'm easy

OP posts:
PhDone · 09/09/2019 23:13

They might say they're ok with it, but I'd be really upset if my sibling got married without me there tbh... Can you just have a simple restaurant meal after the ceremony with close family and friends?

user1473878824 · 09/09/2019 23:14

If I got that invite I’d think how lovely! What great news! And then come and celebrate with you. We’re getting married next year and before we spoke to the vicar about whether we could get married married in church, as DP is divorced, I thought we should just do a registry office, just the two of us, random people off the street as witnesses and then that bit, the actual marriage bit, would just be for the two of us. Turns out the vicar didn’t care so now I don’t have to find another dress!

simplekindoflife · 09/09/2019 23:15

Please don't bite my head off MN, and I hate to generalise but (some!) men (sometimes!) can be a little bit wrong with things like this.

Are you absolutely sure his parents will be okay about it? It would be a shame to start your married life on a sour note especially if your family are there and they aren't...

The rest of your wedding sounds fine but I would invite his parents.

NextTrainGoesToBEROWRA · 09/09/2019 23:18

Do whatever you want!

My friend and I were witnesses at a dinky registry office marriage ceremony (only other guest was the couple’s baby).

It was a blazing hot day. We went for a fab little meal after and then had a trundle along the beach.

They didn’t bother with any sort of party.

nonevernotever · 09/09/2019 23:19

We almost did this but relented a fortnight before and took both mothers with us (both fathers dead). My mum would have been fine if we hadn't ; his told us afterwards that she would have gone no contact if we'd done that to her Hmm everyone else was absolutely fine about it

asnugglysnerd · 09/09/2019 23:20

I say crack on. It's your wedding, your marriage. Totally entitled to do whatever you want.
Coukd you have his parents as the witnesses?

PhannyMcNee · 09/09/2019 23:22

Dh’s dad did this in reverse. I know it’s not the same but the not being told hurt dh and dsil more than the act iyswim?

Dh is ok about it but would have appreciated being given the choice to go or not, dsil was devastated that her dad sat in her kitchen days before chatting normally without giving an inkling that he was about to get married.

I’m all for ‘it’s your wedding so do it your way’ but I think there are ways of presenting it to nearest and dearest that can reduce the risk of hurt.

domton · 09/09/2019 23:29

My two best friends did this, minus the party part. I was very hurt..I'd never dream of saying anything to them of course. It wasn't the fact they chose to get married that way, absolutely nothing to do with me how people choose to go about it. I was hurt because I was sad that I never got the chance to be excited for them I suppose, and I felt hurt that I felt they didn't trust me enough to say that's what they were going to do, so I could drop off a card and gift to mark the occasion etc.

As I say though, it's from a totally selfish point of view, It was their day and nothing to do with me. It just made me feel a bit sad.

Just wanted to put the other side across. If you are happy with it, it's your day, and most importantly, your marriage. Do it how you want.