Secret 2 witness wedding and no traditional wedding reception....

[Amibeingsensitive]

Also posted in weddings, posting here too for more thoughts and opinions

Would really like your honest opinion please on this

Thinking of getting married in registry office in secret apart from the two witnesses. Then say a week later send out invites/e vites to everyone to invite them to a night out just to have a drink and a dance like your typical night out really instead of a sit down traditional reception.

It's very low key, casual, stress free and well won't cost much.

I'm thinking a glorified night out will suit the low key marriage with two witnesses?

My parents aren't alive anymore but my stbh parents are still about but he says they won't mind not seeing us actually get married.

We literally aren't going to tell anyone apart from the two mandatory witnesses. No one will know we've got hitched till they get an invite saying basically 'we've got married come and celebrate with us at such and such bar name at 9pm'

Is this the worst idea ever?

Should we do the traditional wedding & reception? Would you be mortified to receive an invite like that and what would you think of the couple?

Only person who was unhappy was not someone I'd have expected and it was more cos they thought we'd compromised on what we wanted rather than sad for not being there.

Yes, that was our experience, too -- some people are simply incapable of realising that their idea of a 'dream wedding' is not everyone's. I had people assume that we couldn't afford a 'real wedding', or that one or both of us was too self-conscious to be the centre of attention (I mean, people who'd known us all our lives!), or (from one of DH's sisters) that I was 'afraid I wasn't going to look nice in a traditional wedding dress' (I love clothes, but my look is more asymmetric layers in dark colours and biker boots than white frock and veil).

There seems to have been a strong feeling (which I only gathered years afterwards from stray comments, as was the above no one said this to our faces) that we 'should' have had a big traditional wedding, but when asked, no one could say exactly why, other than some vague idea that they'd had one themselves, and suspected we were getting away with something. (The same people struggle with the fact that we have one child by choice, and feel that we 'should' have another again, if asked, they shuffle and emit bleats about it being unfair on DS, and we can afford it, and they dealt with three or four sets of nappies/sleepess nights/homework, and don't see why we shouldn't...)

In a way, it was a real education on the limitations of other people's thinking.

Hi, my husband and I did this. My cousin & her husband were witnesses for us at a hotel in Cumbria, they were the only ones that really knew it was happening. Hotel manager was great, he took a couple of photos of us all & showed us various spots in the grounds that the professional photographers used for wedding shoots & we had a lovely informal meal after the service, just the 4 of us having a laugh.

We drove home a few days later, very nervous at having to face family and telling them what we’d done, including both sets of parents, but everyone was so pleased for us and it was smiles & fizz all round.

We did then have a party/reception the following month as so many people said they wanted to celebrate with us in some way. Everyone enjoyed the party & a few said they wished they’d been brave enough to do the same as their wedding planning was so stressful.

My only regret is not spending more time choosing my wedding dress. I didn’t want anything over the top but I feel it wasn’t quite special enough if you know what I mean! Everything else I would do exactly the same, so my advice would be, no matter how you plan your wedding day make sure the elements that mean the most to you are included, whether that is the dress, having a best friend as witness or a friend/photographer there to capture the day for you. Enjoy 💕

@Amibeingsensitive Also thinking twice about the witnesses now 🤦🏻‍♀️ no one can argue or feel upset if parents are the witnesses

I think that's a really good compromise. I didn't really want our parents there either, but I knew they would have been really upset not to have been asked.

In your case, I think it's especially harsh to invite 2 members of your family and none of his.

We gave our parents the choice of attending - basically said we're not having a party, we don't expect you to dress up or bring any gifts, but we'll be getting married at this time and place, and you're welcome to come if you would like to.

In the end both of our mums were our witnesses, so it's nice to have them recorded on there for posterity - you could have your brother and his mum maybe.

Also if you do go for a night out but you don't pay for the drinks/food/venue, I would be very very clear with your friends about this in advance - and also say that you will not accept any gifts.

In my experience, the hosts pay for food and drinks even if it's not celebrating a wedding, even if it's just a night out for a big birthday etc. So I think it's a bit weird to invite people out to celebrate your wedding but not to host them in any way.

It doesn't mean messing around with wedding favours and colour themes and all that rubbish,but it would be nice to at least provide some food and drink if you're asking them to come and celebrate your marriage.

Good luck!

Sounds good to me! We had a no-frills registry wedding, with only 7 guests, who were immediate family on both sides. We then had a pub lunch afterwards. For us, it wasn't the wedding that was important, it was the marriage that meant everything.

Do it! Best wishes and have a fab day!

I think there’s some space between going the whole hog with wedding favours and a sit down thing and not telling a soul.

Whilst they’re his parents and so it’s down to your future DH, the point of a wedding is the marriage and they’ll be your family too.

I personally would be really hurt if my DC did this and a little hurt if a close friend did.

One close friend told us she was having a small ceremony with only her parents and no party and I was very happy for her. It’s the keeping it secret that would bother me.

If you can bring his parents in on some way or at least sound them out about whether they really don’t mind, that’s what I’d do, but I’m not you.

No one will know we've got hitched till they get an invite saying basically 'we've got married come and celebrate with us at such and such bar name at 9pm'

I'd recommend you make it clear that you're not expecting gifts

Oh, we were going to pay for everyone's lunch, but my mother insisted on paying, as we asked for no wedding presents. I think she'd have been more offended if we'd refused that than if we'd married in secret

We did that - but without the night out, and it wasn’t a secret.

My family didn’t love it but they know me and they know I would have hated a big wedding, so it was fine. We lived a long way from our family at the time and I just wasn’t interested in having them there. I’m not a romantic and we were only getting married because we were moving to the Middle East and couldn’t live together otherwise.

I saved a fortune

Friends of mine did this. Just the two of them and the 4 kids.
Me and the bride got together outfits and suits for everyone. On the morning her and the girls came to mine and I dressed them and did hair and makeup while the boys stayed with the dad and got ready. I put them in a taxi to the registry office.
Afterwards they put a photo on Facebook and messaged everybody to come and have a drink with them at the local.

Sounds lovely. If you were a relative or friend of mine, I’d be thrilled for you.

Having a low key wedding was the best choice ever for us. We loved it. None of the stress others seem to go through and you don't waste money on stuff you neither want nor need - you can spend it celebrating with your close friends in style instead.

We did this, second time round for both of us though. Didn’t tell anyone until after it was done and didn’t have a party. It worked for us but MIL was pissed off for years about it, no one else GAF. Good luck!

Yeah it's fine, congratulations! But do invite his parents - friend of my brother did this. Says his parents didn't give a toss but his mum is one of my mum's best friends so I know she was happy for him but crushed.

Would you be mortified to receive an invite like that and what would you think of the couple?

I would think: these people are having a party; I am honoured that they value my attendance; in the absence of any major obstacles I will go to the party; note to self, remember it is to celebrate a wedding so do not say happy birthday on arrival.

I've been a witness at a wedding like this, btw, and it was great. I wish more people felt confident in sacking off the traditions that stress them out and just doing the bits they want to.

One close friend told us she was having a small ceremony with only her parents and no party and I was very happy for her. It’s the keeping it secret that would bother me.

This for immediate family. I think Rubicon80 had the perfect compromise and it sounds like it worked for everyone.

Sounds fine to me. I wish I'd done that!

@Tyrotoxicity
note to self, remember it is to celebrate a wedding sodo notsay happy birthday on arrival.

Haha, I did absent-mindedly wish my sister happy birthday at one point on her wedding day before remembering why were were there, she was even in a big white dress by way of subtle visual prompts. Luckily she has a good sense of humour. Please tell me you've actually done that too?

I've managed it at other social events, MRex, but never in the face of an actual bride in full regalia. That takes some skill; well done!

Thanks, I was surprised myself.