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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret 2 witness wedding and no traditional wedding reception....

69 replies

Amibeingsensitive · 09/09/2019 22:28

Also posted in weddings, posting here too for more thoughts and opinions

Would really like your honest opinion please on this

Thinking of getting married in registry office in secret apart from the two witnesses. Then say a week later send out invites/e vites to everyone to invite them to a night out just to have a drink and a dance like your typical night out really instead of a sit down traditional reception.

It's very low key, casual, stress free and well won't cost much.

I'm thinking a glorified night out will suit the low key marriage with two witnesses?

My parents aren't alive anymore but my stbh parents are still about but he says they won't mind not seeing us actually get married.

We literally aren't going to tell anyone apart from the two mandatory witnesses. No one will know we've got hitched till they get an invite saying basically 'we've got married come and celebrate with us at such and such bar name at 9pm'

Is this the worst idea ever?

Should we do the traditional wedding & reception? Would you be mortified to receive an invite like that and what would you think of the couple?

OP posts:
Bitchfeatures · 09/09/2019 23:34

I get married in 4 weeks and haven't told anyone yet, not even family.
We are doing it abroad just me, OH and our two children, I'm expecting the shit to hit the fan with family, but it's what we want, so I'm doing it anyway.
I posted on here, and a fair few people had done similar, I think it's great. Do what you want, and save a shed load of money too!

TheGirlWithTheFeatherTat · 09/09/2019 23:38

My DP and myself are getting married just the two of us. We aren't taking witnesses. People know we are getting married but not where and when. We are having a reception party at a later date. Everyone so far seems to be delighted. I'd say it's your wedding and your marriage so please do what you think is best for both of you, try not to worry about what other people think. Imagine if it was a friend of yours, how excited would you be for them!

YobaOljazUwaque · 09/09/2019 23:43

Totally fine to go for low key like this BUT -

  1. Whoever you choose to be witnesses, other people close to you will resent that it wasn't them. Many MNers have in the past appealed for MN strangers to volunteer for the role so that you don't have any favouritism.

  2. only giving a month's notice will mean that someone is unable to make it due to holidays/work commitments. Normally people send out save the date cards months before. Could you instead issue invitations further in advance for a party with a different "excuse" (eg a birthday) so that the date is "saved"

SunshineAngel · 09/09/2019 23:48

My partner and I are desperate to get married. Not for the wedding (in fact neither of us want a big wedding), we just want to be husband and wife, and to be married.

I have said we could easily just go and do it. We can wear our normal clothes for all I care, and pull two witnesses in off the street. I'd love to go to Gretna Green, but obviously being fully grown adults there's no need.

I doubt his family would care if he got married without telling them (or without them being there), but mine would be gutted. My mum and dad would be heartbroken. But then if they're invited and my partner's aren't, there's trouble. Then if our siblings weren't invited. Then my grandparents.. I honestly think it's all family or no family.

I just want to be Mrs X and him to be Mr X. It wouldn't change much about our day to day lives really. But at the moment I'm living with his and his son, and I would love to take his name and be a proper family.

But doing things in front of people is not for me at all, no thank you.

JollyHolly30 · 09/09/2019 23:51

Do you understand the definition of 'mortified'?
Why would anyone be mortified to receive an invitation to a party? Unless you're planning on a mandatory nudist celebration?

Original poster
Amibeingsensitive · 10/09/2019 11:29

Yeah it's only 1 day and I just can't justify spending lots of money on just 1 day. Wedding favours? Why do people even put effort (and money) into all the little details like it's crazy

OP posts:
nononever · 10/09/2019 11:35

Is this the worst idea ever?

Absolutely not. We did it, albeit abroad with witnesses we met minutes before. And we didn't have a party or night out afterwards. We had the best day ever, totally stress free. Everyone was surprised but delighted.

Rubicon80 · 10/09/2019 11:42

We got married with only our parents as witnesses and no one else.

So I completely agree that weddings are a waste of time and money but what I don't understand is why you would go for the party any way if you're skipping that bit.

why would you artificially separate the ceremony if you are going to have a party anyway? Confused

Eminybob · 10/09/2019 11:49

We did this minus the night out. We just went straight on holiday the next day then went and told people after we got back.

The day itself was lovely. 2 good friends as witnesses, no faff, minimal expense, no family politics or drama (which there would have been if we had invited any) and a nice pub lunch afterwards. We had to get home though afterwards as 2 year old DS was with us.

Would highly recommend. I think your idea of having a night out to celebrate after sounds fab, I would have probably done something similar if it were back in our young free and single days, but once everyone has kids arranging a night out becomes a virtual impossibility.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 10/09/2019 11:52

I've always liked the idea of throwing a party, and getting married there. So no one knows about it beforehand (and you don't have to cater to a 'wedding') but they're all there and see you getting wed.

Could that be an alternative idea?

Original poster
Amibeingsensitive · 10/09/2019 11:55

It's not a party its just a meet up for drinks and a dance to say hey we're married. Hiring a venue costs loads as does feeding people and drinks and a dj. A night out isn't expensive like that and I'm not a fan of the whole formal la dee dah makes me cringe 🤦🏻‍♀️ fair enough to people that do it like that it's just not for me 🤷🏻‍♀️ so much money and formality just nope I can't even go there. A secret wedding and then saying to people hey we've got hitched we'll be having a night out in town to celebrate sounds ok im thinking. So much less pressure on trivial details.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 10/09/2019 12:02

I do think his parents will be hurt to be completely left out like that and only your family included as witnesses.

What do you mean by 'night out' - are you hiring somewhere or do you expect everyone to meet up at a certain place and pay their own way? As long as people know what is expected, I think they will be fine with that bit - not the time to spring 'hey, we're married' on a night out though!

I would really, really think again about leaving his parents out though. Or don't have your own family as witnesses.

NoNewsisGood · 10/09/2019 12:08

We did it like this. Was perfect. No hassle. Didn't have any kind of 'party' after though. Kinda thought we would but never got around to it. I would leave it a bit after in case anyone has any issue with what you did so they have a chance to calm down a bit. Only person who was unhappy was not someone I'd have expected and it was more cos they thought we'd compromised on what we wanted rather than sad for not being there. Most people are relieved about not having to go to weddings....you only have to read the dramas on here Grin and most want what you want so if that's what you want, then do it (we certainly have/had no regrets at all!) Do have a defence ready just in case though Wink

Rubicon80 · 10/09/2019 12:10

@Amibeingsensitive It's not a party its just a meet up for drinks and a dance to say hey we're married. Hiring a venue costs loads as does feeding people and drinks and a dj. A night out isn't expensive like that and I'm not a fan of the whole formal la dee dah makes me cringe 🤦🏻‍♀️ fair enough to people that do it like that it's just not for me 🤷🏻‍♀️ so much money and formality just nope I can't even go there. A secret wedding and then saying to people hey we've got hitched we'll be having a night out in town to celebrate sounds ok im thinking. So much less pressure on trivial details.

I also don't like formal weddings - see above - but it sounds like what you want is all of the fun bits without any of the cost or hassle that comes with hosting people as your guests.

So you basically want to have a big party with your friends to shout about the fact that you got married, but you're not willing to pay for anyone's food or drink or for venue hire, and you're not doing anything to make it welcoming for your families - no one young or old is going to come on a 'night out', are they?

I am totally sympathetic to people who skip the wedding party altogether, or to people who want to have a big event and actually host and welcome their guests, but it sounds like you want all of the benefits for you without any of the things that people normally do to make their guests feel welcome and happy.

If I were you I would choose one or the other. Either don't have a party, or do it properly and actually be a decent host.

MRex · 10/09/2019 12:19

Unless you're missing something about him having a bad relationship with his parents, I think it's best to invite his parents and your brother. Then you can all go for a nice yet casual lunch afterwards and discuss how surprised everyone will be at the party. My PIL weren't at one of their children's weddings for similar reasons and they all regret it many years later. Marriage traditionally is about family, your PIL welcoming you to their family and your brother welcoming your STB-DH to yours. For us, that was surprisingly the nicest bit of all, each being welcomed as actual family.

drowningincustard · 10/09/2019 12:22

We did it and I had two lovely MN witnesses!
Parents told on our way home from a nice lunch.
Have told other people if its come up naturally in conversation.
Didn't bother with the party bit - couldn't make that feel natural for us - just would have seemed grabby to say we've had a secret wedding but now come and celebrate at a party and knowing people would bring a gift but hadn't been to the wedding.
Best way that suited us...

JollyHolly30 · 10/09/2019 12:22

@Rubicon80 put it perfectly!

Creas35 · 10/09/2019 12:24

It sounds like my perfect wedding except I would throw a party. If you do a night out his parents are not going to come so they won’t celebrate at all and if your brother is a witness but none of his side I think there will be family trouble down the line. Can’t you ask his parents to be witnesses as well just to include them, what’s another 2 people. Also if you do a early bird wedding at the registry office it’s only £50 at some so might be worth checking those out if you are saving £££.

IScreamForIceCreams · 10/09/2019 12:26

We eloped to Las Vegas :-) It was fun, informal, bizarre and great at the same time. Loved it. Still had the paperwork apostille stamped and legalised afterwards, but no party, no fuss and no expensive wedding gifts.

Ninkaninus · 10/09/2019 12:28

It sounds great and is pretty much what we’re doing.

81Byerley · 10/09/2019 12:30

I'm very easy going with my (grown up) children, and never criticize their choices, but I would be very upset if one of them married without inviting me. In your position I'd invite them and the brother and his girlfriend, and keep the whole thing secret from everyone else as planned. My brother did what you are planning, and my mother hid her hurt for about 30 years, until a few days before she died, when she broke down and told me how upset she was.

Original poster
Amibeingsensitive · 10/09/2019 12:38

Rubicon80 didn't think of it like that thanks for your opinion. Also thinking twice about the witnesses now 🤦🏻‍♀️ no one can argue or feel upset if parents are the witnesses and 81Byerley that sounds horrible that she was upset about it so long.

OP posts:
berlinbabylon · 10/09/2019 12:40

I'd be really upset if my ds got married without inviting me too. As others have said, plans sound fine otherwise, but don't exclude his parents.

annoyingelf · 10/09/2019 12:43

I don't understand how it would hurt to have his parents there as well as your brother. You have no idea how they'll feel. Is it worth the risk of hurting them?

I wouldn't bother with the night out. People will bring gifts if you send them a formal invitation. But you're not paying for anything.

Personally I'd just go to the pub afterwards with brother and ILs

HermioneWeasley · 10/09/2019 12:47

Ours was so low key I forgot to tell my mum until the night before when I dropped her an email along the lines of “actually on reflection you might want to know we’re doing this tomorrow”.

We had been together for years and it was purely a legal formality. I did wear fairly clean jeans.