"I'll do it later"

[Nobhobs]

My DH favourite bloody sentence!! Half an hour before I left to go to an exercise class tonight when I was getting ready I asked him to bathe the baby. He said "yeah I'll do it later" got back 2 hours later.. baby not bathed.

Baby needed BF'ing as soon as I got back so asked him to quickly make some dinner. Fresh tortellini which literally cooks in 3 minutes. Was starving after being home all day with baby (8 weeks) and going to exercise class. He said "yep in a minute" and I finished BF'ing 20 minutes later and he's not moved.

We're sleeping separately so he doesn't have to wake for the night feeds. Baby falls asleep and I ask DH if he can go and change his nappy and put him in a sleepsuit ready for bed, whilst I have a quick shower and brush my teeth and then bring him into me and me and baby will go down for the night. Yet again he says "yeah I will in a bit".. you guessed it.. showered and in bed and still no baby. Text him asking if he's bringing him in which he reads and ignores, so I have to get get baby and change him ready for bed. I don't mind doing this but I'm at home all day everyday with DS and I do every night feed.

Went down to get DS and asked why he can never do anything when I ask him too, why it always has to be 'later' (which more often than not turns out to mean never) and he just moaned about how he's married to a nag and all I do is whinge at him. I could cry.

OP, is this a new problem or one that's gotten worse since becoming parents? He's getting a lot of flack here but sounds a bit ADHDish. It's possible he's just a lazy arse but some couples find having kids makes ADHD suddenly more obvious or problematic. The procrastination is typical if so...

I would totally lose my shit if my DH did any of this to me. You’re a saint. But please don’t be anymore. My solution would be to go completely mad and kick him out. I’d let him come back, but he’d have got the message.

I left DS’s father for this exact reason 4 years ago and don’t regret it. DS was 6 months old and although he’s a great dad (always was) he made me feel like I was going insane and like I was talking to myself

Only do what’s needed for you and the baby and do nothing to help him. I did this and even then my ex did nothing. Years later he confessed he had no idea how much I did to help him and apologised

Hope he changes for you OP, if not, honestly, LTB

Before reading the update about his "chat" to the baby, I thought he was just a lazy jerk. Now I realize he's actually a complete asshole who deserves a sharp slap across the face.

That is NOT ok.

If he'd be the type to listen reasonably and accept that he's required to help you care for the baby, I'd try talking to him about why you're "nagging"-- that you don't like it any more than he does, but that you're desperate for some help at the end of the day. If not, I'd probably demonstrate by going on strike and letting him experience just how much you do for him on a daily basis.

Going against the grain here.

I might be wrong, but from your post it sounds like you are ordering a servant around. Do this while I get ready for my exercise class. When I get home from my exercise class, do this. Do this, do that, while I do my own things. Sounds as though your only job is to go to exercise classes and BF baby.

Have you actually sat and chatted to him about it. 8 week old baby, DH is probably feeling a bit overwhelmed especially if it is 1st DC.

I agree with angels and I'm really surprised up until angels there was unanimous siding with the op.
From the dhs point of view, and I'm presuming he works (though tbf you haven't said either way), he's come in from work and sounds like he's been ordered to do a list of chores whilst you go out. I'm also not sure why it's his fault you haven't eaten all day.

No, he’s being expected to be a fucking parent, you know, to care for their child and not to disrespect his wife.

She had major surgery 8 weeks ago, she’s having broken nights feeding and caring for their baby, she’s on duty all day every day, and a half decent man makes sure the mother of his child, especially if she’s breastfeeding, makes sure she’s well fed and resting as much as she can.

He’s being a selfish bastard, you two should be ashamed that you’re defending him.

I remember reading on here one time there is actually no such thing as a nag - rather it’s that the other person doesn’t listen! Eg if u have asked/said it once and it’s not been done (& there’s no good reason) then it’s because the other person has just chosen to ignore it but calling u a nag makes himself feel better coz he’s not bothered his arse to do it - so tell him that and turn it around on him!

@AngelsOnHigh you’re right, she shouldn’t be saying anything to him. He should be less of a feckless, lazy prick and perhaps consider contributing without even being asked.
What kind of arsehole would still be dining out on the fact they pulled their weight for 2 weeks 6 week later? Does he think he deserves a medal?

Sit him down and tell him how disrespectful he is being to you. Tell him his behaviour is the kind of behaviour that breaks a marriage because it makes you resentful and lose all respect for him. Tell him he is making it clear he does not love or cherish you or even like you if he thinks it is ok to treat you that way. Serious calm but firm.

He shouldn't be "helping". It's not your job to be the primary do-er and he "helps". He needs to just parent, like any reasonable human being.

He's turning you into a nag though! I couldn't handle this.

'Nagging is a nasty, gendered word that is shorthand for 'women are asking for what they need but let's shame them so they stop asking'. It's meant to shut you up and make you do it'

Pinched this off another thread. Seemed appropriate here.
Your DH is a gobshite. Sorry OP but you have unfortunately found out exactly what he thinks of women and he has zero respect for you.

Your husband is a piece of shit and I highly doubt this will get better. His lack of respect and care for you is shocking.

sorry OP but this is absolutely correct. Any man who sang at my baby that I was whinging when asking for his father to do his share - well I hope I wouldn't be violent but I certainly wouldn't be sharing a bed with him.

You have a big problem and you need to escalate it right now or your marriage will not survive.

Wow.
As reveal says it's totally possible to ebf and still have help.
At one stage I would Express in the evening for dh to do an early night feed up until 11pm ish (he's a total pain without enough sleep! Other wise would have been until later) with the plan I would go to bed early and get some sleep while he did that feed.
The other night feeds were all me on work nights. At the weekend he would get up, get baby & check nappy before bringing her to me to feed. Amazingly helpful. He also did that most nights during his pat leave and I have always remembered it.

It is exhausting having constant responsibilities and no down time. For both of you.

Generally speaking, ime, dads don't realise how difficult and tiring it is looking after a baby all day.
If you are able to Express, why don't you try treating yourself to a few hours out somewhere and leave him to do everything for a bit. Not nearly the same but might give him a clue and would give you some downtime.

How was your relationship before? How was his attitude?

I hope your exercise class was a gentle one. Take it easy. You're only 8wks post op.

The 'chat' to baby is unforgivable. You need to sort that out early.

This is shocking OP, he’s acting like a massive twat

@MyNewBearTotoro

‘Did you consider his personality before deciding to have children with him?’

What do posters hope to achieve when they post things like that?

What posters like this hope to achieve is entirely selfish. They get a thrill out of convincing themselves they’re much too clever and self-possessed to have ever found themselves in a position like the OP’s. The reality, of course, will be much different. People who really are clever and self-possessed don’t kick others while they’re down.

OP, YANBU. Laziness is one thing and I think a lot of women (myself included) get a nasty shock about their husband’s input when they bring a baby home.

But the nastiness and disrespect behind your husband’s comments to you and your son are totally unacceptable. You need to know this yourself first before you make it very, very clear to your husband you won’t be putting up with it at all. Not ever again. You need to start the process though. This sort of thing won’t go away on its own. He won’t wake one day and realise he’s being an asshole. Raise the bar because you deserve much, much better.

You are letting him off far too much!

No you shouldn't have to kick his arse but clearly this twat needs it!!

Stop giving him the sanitised version of parenthood! Unless he's an airline pilot or brain surgeon (and I know a few of those who coped fine with broken nights due to babies - dr training makes them good at coping with little sleep anyway) he can bloody well deal be back in your bed and support you with feeding baby - yes baby is end as was my dd but absolutely no bloody reason why he can't - fetch you a drink/snack, burp baby inc cleaning up spit up, change baby's nappy if needed in night.

He can also do early mornings - at the VERY LEAST he should be doing one a week at weekends so you BOTH get a lie in each week.

My ex (not the most enlightened) worked a demanding job when we had dd (army) and when he was home (which fortunately was most of her first year) he'd take care of her early morning to let me get a little more rest if not actual sleep. He'd change her nappy, pop her in "day clothes", either chat away to her or as she got older incorporate her into his morning exercise routine (he kinda used her as a "weight" which she LOVED and used to giggle like mad at certain points) then chat with her while he was getting dressed/having breakfast, when she was older he'd sort her breakfast too then he'd come get me to take over as he was leaving for work.

When he got home he'd take her for a play, change nappy if needed, while I made dinner, we'd eat sort of "in turns" then one of us would bath her while other did dishes and cleaned kitchen, while I was giving her bedtime feed he'd do a tidy round and put a load of laundry on.

Your man is doing bugger all!
STOP doing ANYTHING that purely benefits him...

Stop buying any groceries that only he uses
Stop cooking for him
Stop laundering for him
Stop tidying anything of his or tidy straight into bin
Stop doing any admin that only benefits him
And DEFINITELY don't do him ANY "favours"

He very much sounds the type that won't change until HE is inconvenienced by his laziness!

TWO WEEKS is Fuck all! It's a holiday period!! Parenting is for life - or is he too thick/lazy/disrespectful to realise that?!

Lol my father was like that when my mother had me.

He still hasn't changed. Good luck, op. Good luck.

Never use the word "help" because it just makes them think it's primarily your job to do all the work therefore you're in charge of delegating to them.

It should always be about "doing your fair share".

He is a lazy shit. I'd explain to him all these things you do and why you need them done in a timely matter then stop doing anything for him/only do things that directly benefit you and the baby.

Time to stop being Rosie the Robot. From now on, your services only apply to you and baby. Say nothing. Stop grocery shopping, stop cooking, stop cleaning, stop picking up his shit. Only do your own. If he asks about his own things, just be busy on your phone and say “In a minute...” and then when he repeats the question, tell the baby in a singsong voice, “This is how patronizing it is when Daddy tells you I’m nagging when he’s trying to ignore the fact he hasn’t gotten off his fucking phone since he got in the door and had left every single thing for me to do since he went back to work and is waiting for me to explode, so he can justify it by telling me how fabulous he was in the first two weeks of your life. But you’re three months old now and he hasn’t lifted a finger since....”

I remember reading that having a baby actually entrenched gender roles so women end up doing more around the house. May it's got to do with solidifying the stereotype of wife/mother/housekeeper.

I wouldn't stand for it. Calling you a nag is so very sexist and dismissive of your legitimate concerns.

Get angry OP. Nagging is a word invented by lazy men. If my DH ever used the n word with me I would make his life a living nightmare. 'Its only nagging if you don't do it the first time you lazy piece of shit'

What is he actually doing when this happens that's more important than bathing or feeding his child? Please don't say gaming?