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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Olive branch or Passive aggressive ?

56 replies

Raisingwildanimals · 08/09/2019 12:28

This is my first time posting so please bear with me. Apologies if it’s a bit long.

After having DS last year I had really bad PND and me and DP went on a break, we are back together but still live separately and our relationship is a million times better. The problem is MIL, I went NC with her not long after DS was born but always said she can see DC whenever she likes but she hasn’t seen our 2 children for a few months (she only lives up the road) because she’s too tired, working, needs to go shopping etc. She usually expects DP to run around and take DC to visit. He works really long hours and works away a lot so that doesn’t really happen. Example, this week he will be in North Wales, next week Netherlands. Yesterday was DD’s birthday and MIL dropped a present to DP’s this morning. The present is something extremely pink and girly which DC is far from. I want to message her and thank her for the gift but also say she clearly doesn’t know my children but nicely of course. Something along the lines of ‘hi MIL, thanks for DD’s gift but I think you need to spend a bit more time with DC’s as it’s not something she is really a fan of’ I’m not against the idea of possibly having low contact with her for their sakes but I don’t know if this could be seen as me just being picky or trying to start an argument?

OP posts:
Uniformuniformuniform · 08/09/2019 12:30

Noooo just thank her for the gift. You can mention it in passing another time!

Wolfiefan · 08/09/2019 12:31

You can’t say that nicely. All she will hear is that you think her gift is crap.

TheRebelAlliance · 08/09/2019 12:32

it is not passive aggressive it is downright rude.

get your child to send a thank-you letter or a drawing if too young

This must be a wind up?

Original poster
Raisingwildanimals · 08/09/2019 12:33

Tbh DD has had a few gifts that she hasn’t been interested in but maybe it’s because it’s from MIL that I feel like making a comment. Now I’ve reread and thought about I think maybe I am being a tad touchy..

OP posts:
HiJenny35 · 08/09/2019 12:33

Massively aggressive and inappropriate. She gave a gift, not your child's cup of tea so put it aside for someone else's party no need to say anything. However also fine to say "thank you for the gift. As X is away if you would like to pop round as see child on either x or y at pm I'm sure she would be pleased to see you as she doesn't get to see you often"

TheRebelAlliance · 08/09/2019 12:33

I think that she has gone NC with you but you haven't realised!

VladmirsPoutine · 08/09/2019 12:35

Don't die on this particular hill. Just say thank you and continue with low contact. Had it been a different circumstance e.g. her accusing you of not 'allowing' her access to the children then you could have said about your DP working all hours under the sun and him not being her personal assistant or whatever. But a gift is a gift.

Original poster
Raisingwildanimals · 08/09/2019 12:37

Perhaps I will just nicely thank her for the gift. I didn’t really think about how bitchy it sounded until I wrote it down on here

OP posts:
Didntwanttochangemyname · 08/09/2019 12:38

Very rude, don't send her that message. Just say thank you and remind yourself that it is up to your MIL to have a relationship with her DGC and if she half-arses it then she won't have that relationship.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 08/09/2019 12:40

I think just say thanks and leave it. As sad as it is, you can’t make someone have a relationship with your children, and saying anything to point out the lack of contact is unlikely to be received well. It’s a horrible feeling, and you want your kids to have grandparents who are motivated and involved...but life just doesn’t go that way sometimes. Acceptance is the only way, here.

swingofthings · 08/09/2019 12:41

How rude! She is entitled to be indeed very busy and tired, especially if she works full time. Life doesn't revolve around your children.

cornish009 · 08/09/2019 12:41

That would be such a very rude and unkind thing to tell anyone. I think she (or anyone) would be justifiably annoyed and upset to get a message like that after buying a gift. It isn't just passive aggressive it is quite horrible. Could you not simply say "thank you" as ordinary manners and convention would dictate?

GeorginaPilot · 08/09/2019 12:42

It’s a free gift, free! You can’t complain about free stuff! It’s very very rude!

Original poster
Raisingwildanimals · 08/09/2019 12:45

I have messaged her to say thank you and to say that she is welcome to pop down for a cuppa at some point over the next few weeks while DP is away.
She is completely entitled to feel tired after work etc but she only works 2 days a week in a little corner shop so not exactly hard work and the rest of her excuses are just that, excuses. I think that is what irritates me more is that she just can’t be arsed a lot of the time to see DC’s

OP posts:
MsPepperPotts · 08/09/2019 12:49

Nothing wrong with your response OP. It doesn't sound bitchy at all but about right for her behaviour.
Even if she says she's too busy to see her DGD a phone call your DD to ask what she would like for her birthday would be better than wasting money on something DD doesn't like/wouldn't use.

ShirleyPhallus · 08/09/2019 12:50

My grandma used to give me gifts all the time that I would never use. Always a pen with my name on it, some floral note paper, some body wash I didn’t really like, sometimes a tea towel or something.

I thought it was par for the course not to really like presents grandparents get you!

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 08/09/2019 12:53

Didn’t your partner thank her for the gift already?

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 08/09/2019 12:58

Same, Shirley.
My maternal Grandmother bought me some shockers, including a Lime green pvc handbag. Couldn’t give it away at the car boot sale either 😂

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 08/09/2019 12:58

Just thank her nicely for the gift! It’s the polite, adult thing to do.

bluebeck · 08/09/2019 12:58

I don't understand.

You don't like MIL. You don't get on. You say you have gone NC with her, but then say you have sent her a message asking her to visit? Confused

Why? Just leave it.

GreatBigNoise · 08/09/2019 13:03

I don’t understand why you would expect her to want to visit if you have gone NC with her? It must be awkward for everyone.

If she gave the present to your daughter via your husband then surely he would say thank you?

Original poster
Raisingwildanimals · 08/09/2019 13:11

I invited her over because I think she should have a relationship with my kids and it is just awkward that me and her don’t get along. DP didn’t see her this morning as he was at the shop she just left it in the hallways as he leaves his front door unlocked constantly (which drives me insane)

OP posts:
Aprillygirl · 08/09/2019 13:14

Omg OP how rude are you! "Thank you so much for the gift" is always the correct thing to say no matter how shit the present is, or what you think of the person who gave it.
AIso you say yow went NC with her. For what reason? Does she even know the reason? Because realistically she's not going to want to come to yours when you blatantly don't like her is she? Confused

LookingForward2020 · 08/09/2019 13:24

Gosh, don’t be so rude OP. Just thank her and leave it at that.

HaileySherman · 08/09/2019 13:25

Yes OP unfortunately even though it bothers you the appropriate response to MIL is the same one you'd give ANYONE who gave a gift, whether it's something that she loved or not....a thank you note. Anything else is really impolite. If there are issues (and it seems there legitimately are) you'll have to find another time/scenario in which to address them.

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