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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Olive branch or Passive aggressive ?

56 replies

Raisingwildanimals · 08/09/2019 12:28

This is my first time posting so please bear with me. Apologies if it’s a bit long.

After having DS last year I had really bad PND and me and DP went on a break, we are back together but still live separately and our relationship is a million times better. The problem is MIL, I went NC with her not long after DS was born but always said she can see DC whenever she likes but she hasn’t seen our 2 children for a few months (she only lives up the road) because she’s too tired, working, needs to go shopping etc. She usually expects DP to run around and take DC to visit. He works really long hours and works away a lot so that doesn’t really happen. Example, this week he will be in North Wales, next week Netherlands. Yesterday was DD’s birthday and MIL dropped a present to DP’s this morning. The present is something extremely pink and girly which DC is far from. I want to message her and thank her for the gift but also say she clearly doesn’t know my children but nicely of course. Something along the lines of ‘hi MIL, thanks for DD’s gift but I think you need to spend a bit more time with DC’s as it’s not something she is really a fan of’ I’m not against the idea of possibly having low contact with her for their sakes but I don’t know if this could be seen as me just being picky or trying to start an argument?

OP posts:

swingofthings · 08/09/2019 13:30

You and your DP don't live together clearly because your relationship is not solid enough. If I was her, I would opt to see the children when they are with their father. When does he have them?

saraclara · 08/09/2019 13:30

Good God no. How can you even think that's the way to go?

If you want her to choose more appropriate gifts, then have a conversation about what your DD likes a few weeks before the next birthday/Christmas.

WaggingKnife · 08/09/2019 13:30

KatherineJaneway · 08/09/2019 13:32

She bought a gift. Clearly she does not know her that well but she made an effort. Only you can truly know if it is passive aggressive i.e. MIL knows you like to be gender neutral where possible and this is a message.

Userwhatevernumber · 08/09/2019 13:35

OP maybe mother in law doesn’t want to visit the DC when they are with you because you don’t like her and are no contact with her? Surely it would be awkward? If you go nc surely you appreciate the space?

gamerwidow · 08/09/2019 13:36

If someone gives you a gift you don't like you say Thank You and re gift it elsewhere.
Your DD is going to get gifts she doesn't like occasionally and it's a a good skill to learn to graciously accept them.
It's up to your DP to facilitate your DDs relationship with your MIL. If you don't live together she possibly feels uncomfortable and a bit disloyal to her son by visiting the DDs at your house without him. I would just stay out of it.

CrazyOldBagLady · 08/09/2019 13:40

Honestly I would just leave this particular relationship to DP to maintain. Let him thank her for gifts, or help the girls to, and let him facilitate a relationship with her, if she does actually want one.

Butchyrestingface · 08/09/2019 13:40

Something along the lines of ‘hi MIL, thanks for DD’s gift but I think you need to spend a bit more time with DC’s as it’s not something she is really a fan of’

That's not passive aggressive, just aggressive.

LorelaiRoryEmily · 08/09/2019 13:43

I know you've already messaged a different reply but I can't believe you actually thought about sending that. If someone sent that to me I'd tell them to fuck off and never send anything again.

Idontwanttotalk · 08/09/2019 13:47

Glad you just said thank you as your original plan shows am appalling lack of judgement. As someone else said, just focus on telling your MIL the type if things your DD likes and focus on the positive. No need to say what isn't liked.

You obviously don't like your MIL and your original plan would have shown her that in no uncertain terms. If you need to improve your relationship you need to put the past behind you and not be passively aggressive with her.

daisychain01 · 08/09/2019 14:00

a Lime green pvc handbag

I'm really jealous - I want one!!

Beautiful3 · 08/09/2019 14:06

No please dont do that, it's so rude! Just say thanks!

Raaaaaah · 08/09/2019 14:13

Rude. Just say thank you.

Rachelover60 · 08/09/2019 14:18

As others have said, do just thank her. Well it seems you have done that, good. I wonder why you don't get on but am not going to pry.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 08/09/2019 14:22

No. When you receive a gift, it's polite to say thank you. It would never even enter my head to respond by telling the gift-giver I didn't like it. (Unless, of course, it was given by an unwanted stalker, and even then responding in any way is a bad idea)!

In these circumstances, I'd be happy to let NC be enough, but also to be aware that there will be ramifications to your decision. One such will that there will likely be less contact with the grandchildren.

ChocChocButtons · 08/09/2019 14:24

No that’s rude!! You can’t do that.

OwlBeThere · 08/09/2019 14:26

@swingofthings how can you possible know how strong (or not) the OPs relationship is? You don’t know anything about them.

@OP you did the right thing not sending that message.

blahblahblahblahhh · 08/09/2019 14:33

Don't all kids get presents they aren't in to? Just regift it or charity shop it. Rude to make a comment though!

watcheait · 08/09/2019 14:49

Maybe the op could take the children round to the mil for a visit. It goes both ways.

Original poster

Raisingwildanimals · 08/09/2019 17:03

Our relationship is very solid thank you. We had a rocky patch where both me and DP had depression and we decided that it would be best for us to live apart so the children didn’t see us arguing so much. We have chosen to stay living apart for a little while so we can slowly build our relationship back up rather than jumping back into living with each other when we’ve only just started to feel ourselves and not depressed anymore. I went NC with MIL because she decided that I was not a good mother and took my children out of my house without me knowing one day. (She was watching them while I had a bath) and refused to return them. I am happy to say that as of this afternoon we are in a better place contact wise and have decided to try to have a better relationship for the children. Thank you for all of your replies 🙂

OP posts:

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 08/09/2019 17:10

You would be SO rude to say anything of the sort! Just say thank you!

DragonflyInn · 08/09/2019 17:16

am happy to say that as of this afternoon we are in a better place contact wise and have decided to try to have a better relationship for the children.

Well done op. Asked for advice, listened to advice with graciousness (even when being called rude) and a positive outcome.

Allfednonedead · 08/09/2019 17:29

My grandmother was completely devoted to us, but still used to send (from the US) dresses for birthdays that we had to be bribed and threatened to wear for long enough to take a photo for her.
And she spent two months with us every summer.
Some people just don’t choose presents well.

sweetiepie1979 · 08/09/2019 17:35

I think your mil probably finds it difficult to spend time with her grand children because she doesn’t like you sorry.
That’s ok though, she doesn’t have to like you and it is up to her to have the relationship with the children not for you to put upon her.

dollydaydream114 · 08/09/2019 17:54

Something along the lines of ‘hi MIL, thanks for DD’s gift but I think you need to spend a bit more time with DC’s as it’s not something she is really a fan of’ I’m not against the idea of possibly having low contact with her for their sakes but I don’t know if this could be seen as me just being picky or trying to start an argument?

OF COURSE it would be seen as you being picky or trying to start an argument. It would be beyond rude to say this and I'm kind of amazed that you couldn't see that until other people pointed it out.

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