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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel shit at the blatant favouritism?

72 replies

sailorcherries · 08/09/2019 10:37

So this is a wedding one and I am prepared to be flamed.

I was married earlier in the year and although we had a lovely day both DH and I made some sacrifices due to budgets. We knew what we could save and DHs mum and dad paid for a bit and my parents contributed X amount.
It was a lovely day and people commented on how it was relaxed but, even now, in the back of my mind it was never my wedding - I wanted to go abroad, on our own, and it opened up a world of grief so we changed our mind. I then fell in love with a venue/style but it was out the budget we knew we had and that was that.

My DSis recently got engaged and the whole "you'll get exactly what sailor's got" was paraded about.
They are off for a second viewing today and she let it slip that my parents have agreed to pay for her venue and outfit. The venue alone, for the amount of guests, already means that she will get around £3000+ more than me and then the outfit on top is an additional £2000 odd based on the designers she wants.

I feel quite shit. I am grateful to my parents for helping however I hate this idea that they believe they are being fair. My entire life my DSis has had more financial help from my parents, to the tune of thousands, that has never been repaid. They are always there to bail her out because she is shockingly bad at taking financial responsibility. Even now she gets exactly what she wants, regardless of cost.

When moving in to our respective homes we paid the entire deposit, flooring, decoration etc. DSis and her fiance had their deposit paid for by his parents and my parents bought them furniture and completely decorated it.

I am currently unwell, as well as my period being due and therefore hormonal, and also worried about money as DH has recently quit his job to retrain. I'm not going to say anything to DSis or my parents. Aibu in being upset/annoyed/fed up of the fact that she constantly gets more? I am proud at how well DH and I are doing for ourselves, on our own two feet, but sometimes it sucks.

OP posts:
WombatStewForTea · 08/09/2019 10:40

YANBU to feel upset. You're right at not saying anything though it wouldn't achieve anything. Keep the moral high ground Flowers

Rivkka · 08/09/2019 10:41

I would straight out ask them why.

beanaseireann · 08/09/2019 10:42

YANBU
I hate unfairness.
But sadly, what can you do except rant on here.
As my granny said "There'll be favourites in Hell"

Original poster
sailorcherries · 08/09/2019 10:43

Rivkka it isn't worth the hassle with my mum. I wouldn't get an answer and would probably receive a barrel of verbal abuse in the process.
My dad would just apologise but not know why.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 08/09/2019 10:45

I would ask them.
My relationship going forward would be based on their reaction to my questions which would be

  1. Why do you favour DSis?
  2. Why have you given her more financial help then me?
  3. Why are my wants and needs not as important as DSis?
  4. How do you see our relationship moving forward?
7yo7yo · 08/09/2019 10:46

@sailorcherries then I’d cut them out of my life and never look back.
It’s not the money.
It’s what it represents.
Are you less worthy than sis?

Robin2323 · 08/09/2019 10:47

This is absolutely shit and you have every right to be up set.

BUT save yourself 'years ' of grieve and ignore.

There is a lot going off here abs nothing you want to be involved in.

Perhaps take a look at the 'but I took you to a stately home ' thread - which my mum actually did.

You may find yourself going no contact eventually because this favouritism will never be acknowledged and you will be made out to be the crazy one Thanks

NailsNeedDoing · 08/09/2019 10:49

I think you have to tell them how you feel. It's a horrible feeling for you to live with, especially as it's on going and it's not about to stop. I don't see how you can just ignore it for the rest of your lives, especially if it continues to when you and your sister have children.

VeganVeganVegan · 08/09/2019 10:50

When my sister got married my mother took out a 20k loan, I received £10 towards a takeaway Hmm. I've been nc with my whole family since my sister adopted her baby and my mother spent thousands on gifts for her but my children never received anything. Favouritism is the pits and I will never treat my kids like that.

Butchyrestingface · 08/09/2019 10:53

Rivkka it isn't worth the hassle with my mum. I wouldn't get an answer and would probably receive a barrel of verbal abuse in the process.

Sounds like the favourtism isn’t the only issue here?

BonneMa · 08/09/2019 10:53

@sailorcherries then I’d cut them out of my life and never look back.
It’s not the money.
It’s what it represents.

This. I would call them out on it and take things from there.

donquixotedelamancha · 08/09/2019 11:09

They are always there to bail her out because she is shockingly bad at taking financial responsibility.

My parents are the same with my younger sister- I think you have cause and effect the wrong way round here. Ultimately I think being so indulgent with my DSis has hurt her more than the favouritism has hurt me.

LookingForward2020 · 08/09/2019 11:14

Sorry no advice. My parents are the same. Two siblings send to get all the financial support. Always have. I have always paid for my own things. They’ve had cars, mobile phones, loans (that are never paid back)etc. None for me. We are all in our forties now and I see no end in sight. I am low contact with both parents. For my own sanity. Ridiculous thing is, they sometimes expect me to help siblings financially. I just laugh and ignore. There was isn’t a large age gap amongst 3 of us. I am not much financially better off but I live within my means and always plan carefully before I buy anything huge.

Just detach slightly OP and try and focus on your own family with your DH. It’s painful and sad but you can’t change them. Do what you need to do protect yourself emotionally/mentally.

Juells · 08/09/2019 11:18

You're right at not saying anything though it wouldn't achieve anything. Keep the moral high ground

Keep the moral high ground and continue to get second best Hmm

I'd have it out with my parents.

Rachelover40 · 08/09/2019 11:22

What Wombatstewfortea said.

Sounds like you had a good wedding, well done.

Wine
SunshineAngel · 08/09/2019 11:30

You're definitely right to feel that way. My brother has always been the favourite with every single person in the family, and it's hard.

My grandparents give him their old cars, and they get a new one every 3 years and barely do any mileage, so it's worth a heck of a lot of money. To make it fair, they give me £2,000 each time. Don't get me wrong, I feel like a brat for bringing it up, as £2,000 every 3 years is amazing and so very generous, but it annoys me that my brother gets a car that's worth a lot more (usually about £30k new, so whatever that'd be worth at 3 years old and less than 5k miles on the clock).

He is 23 and still lives at home and both of my parents (who have split up) give him an allowance as he's trying to build up his own business. When I did the same, they gave me nothing, and wanted £200 a month towards bills (they were still together then and financially better off, so if anything at all it should surely have been the other way round). It hurts a lot sometimes, as I just think nobody would care if I wasn't even there.

I don't have any advice, as it's annoyed me for many years, just thought I'd show some solidarity!

WombatStewForTea · 08/09/2019 11:35

Keep the moral high ground and continue to get second best hmm

I'd have it out with my parents

But you don't have any right to anything and kicking off just makes you look like a dick. They're hardly going to turn around and give you the money are they Hmm

Kahlua4me · 08/09/2019 11:36

I would ask your parents direct, when they were together. I would want them to explain why they wouldn’t pay that for you but will happily pay for your sister. Better to ask, nicely, and get a straight answer than spend your life wondering why they treat you as second best.

It’s not as though you could afford what you wanted so therefore didn’t need their help.

Juells · 08/09/2019 11:39

But you don't have any right to anything and kicking off just makes you look like a dick. They're hardly going to turn around and give you the money are they

I have two adult children, and if one pointed out to me that the other was the favourite I'd be mortified. I definitely would try to be more even-handed from then on. If I didn't, I'd expect to be lc with the un-favoured one.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 08/09/2019 11:48

She's shockingly bad at taking financial responsibility precisely because your parents keep bailing her out. In the longrun, they are not doing her any favours.

It's tempting to have a frank discussion to try to get to the bottom of this, but sorry to say I think this futile and that asking your parents the series of questions listed above by a well-meaning PP is at best pointless, and at worst risks leaving you feeling even worse. This is because a) you're not likely to get an honest response and b) even if you do, it will probably be something very painful for you to hear. The family dynamic of the golden child versus scapegoat is a well-documented one, and it's unlikely to get better no matter what you do. Unfortunately, the way to protect your own mental health is to withdraw from the situation with your dignity intact. This isn't necessarily to advocate severing your every tie with them. But keep contact at a low and manageable level, and don't entertain any kind of discussion about either your finances, theirs, or those of your sister.

Also bear in mind that if either or both of you has children in the future, it will get worse, and you'll have their best interests to consider as well as your own.

I'm sorry you are in this hurtful position OP. You're right, it does suck Flowers

katewhinesalot · 08/09/2019 11:56

sunshine A 30k, 3 year old car with 5k on the clock will be worth loads more than 2 k even when he sells it on 3 years later. It will still only be 6 years old. So he gets a new car and the money he sells the old one for. Yep 2k is the shitty end of the deal.

Ok, I'd have to say something but you aren't dealing with reasonable people are you, if you know they'll just give you grief for bringing it up. Can you talk frankly to your dad on his own and get through to him how it makes you feel - it's not about the money itself.

Span1elsRock · 08/09/2019 11:56

My sister is the golden child. I've spent so many years being angry/hurt/upset by it that to be honest, I've finally reached a point where I am past caring. I can't change it, talking to Mum won't change a thing - I have to accept that my sister is a classic narcissist and Mum is her enabler. They have this toxic dynamic that I'm just glad not to be part of anymore. Going NC with my sister was something I should have done 20 years ago.

All you can do is protect yourself from it all. My comfort is in knowing that I will NEVER treat my own DC and grandchildren so unfairly. It's hopefully made me a far better parent. My family are my DH and my DC/grandchildren. Acceptance is a far easier path to tread than anger and indignation Flowers

ThirstyGhost · 08/09/2019 12:01

My brother is the favourite. He's an irresponsible dick, but favouritism in families isn't anything to do with the "worth" of the person. It's also often damaging to the favourite, who benefits financially, etc... but never learns to take any responsibility for anything. It's helped me a little to keep this in my mind, but it still hurts. If you have a favoured child you're hurting the others, always. YANBU to feel upset. You could talk to them, but if your family is anything like mine, they're not going to suddenly "realise" and change the behaviour of a lifetime. Mine always just say, "your brother's always needed a lot of support.... he's sensitive" blah blah blah. They have their reasons that make sense in their own heads just not to anyone else

Hangingwithmygnomies · 08/09/2019 12:05

UANBU to feel hurt and upset. DH has had this for years with PIL bailing out BIL to the tune of thousands and thousands. Last year after not liking MIL pulling him up about lacking in (emotional) support for his 2 daughters from a previous relationship, he threw a hissy fit and has gone NC with everyone from his family and has onlyseen his DD's once in a year. It doesn't bother me but MIL is really upset and his daughter's are understandably angry and hurt that he's carrying on his life with his wife and 2 more children and seemingly not bothered about them

TanMateix · 08/09/2019 12:08

I would jokingly say to them, since you never contributed for our wedding anything like what you are contributing to sister’s can I please keep my amount on hold for a family holiday?

Having said that SIL threw a tantrum because exH’s parents offered to pay part of our wedding and that was “unfair” as she was not planning to marry (she was not even in a relationship). We ended up returning the money as we didn't want MIL dictating the conditions of our wedding, my SIL gota herself a lovely car with the money.

To this date, I think she is a twat. But only because she was not getting married.