To feel shit at the blatant favouritism?

[sailorcherries]

So this is a wedding one and I am prepared to be flamed.

I was married earlier in the year and although we had a lovely day both DH and I made some sacrifices due to budgets. We knew what we could save and DHs mum and dad paid for a bit and my parents contributed X amount.
It was a lovely day and people commented on how it was relaxed but, even now, in the back of my mind it was never my wedding - I wanted to go abroad, on our own, and it opened up a world of grief so we changed our mind. I then fell in love with a venue/style but it was out the budget we knew we had and that was that.

My DSis recently got engaged and the whole "you'll get exactly what sailor's got" was paraded about.
They are off for a second viewing today and she let it slip that my parents have agreed to pay for her venue and outfit. The venue alone, for the amount of guests, already means that she will get around £3000+ more than me and then the outfit on top is an additional £2000 odd based on the designers she wants.

I feel quite shit. I am grateful to my parents for helping however I hate this idea that they believe they are being fair. My entire life my DSis has had more financial help from my parents, to the tune of thousands, that has never been repaid. They are always there to bail her out because she is shockingly bad at taking financial responsibility. Even now she gets exactly what she wants, regardless of cost.

When moving in to our respective homes we paid the entire deposit, flooring, decoration etc. DSis and her fiance had their deposit paid for by his parents and my parents bought them furniture and completely decorated it.

I am currently unwell, as well as my period being due and therefore hormonal, and also worried about money as DH has recently quit his job to retrain. I'm not going to say anything to DSis or my parents. Aibu in being upset/annoyed/fed up of the fact that she constantly gets more? I am proud at how well DH and I are doing for ourselves, on our own two feet, but sometimes it sucks.

Whilst I don't think asking for reasons why they do is, is.particularly productive as other have said they will not tell you why. They may not even know or it may be painful for you to hear them try to explain or defend themselves anyway.
It would be hard to ignore it though. I think what I would.do, if I could manage to keep calm is say something to them to make them know that you see what they are doing even if you have no expectation that it will change.

Something along the lines of '

'I notice that you help ' DSis' out financially and practically more than you do me - for example ( give one or two at most examples eg the wedding). Whilst I imagine you have your reasons for this, it makes me feel unloved by you'. I am not asking or expecting you to do anything about it but I have to tell you how I feel. You are my parents and obviously I love you but I do sometimes feel unloved by you when you do these things

This is only appropriate if you do love your parents , you believe they love you , at least some amount ( albeit you might think they love your DSis more) and they are not abusive, just human with difficulties being aware of their actions.

Then you can reduce contact and keep a distance but not necessarily cut them out which may not.be what you want

If they are more abusive than your op seems to suggest, I would go with the low/ no contact option and say nothing.

It depends how much you want to maintain a relationship with them.

Be a shame if you had plans on her wedding day.....
Holiday abroad?

The trouble with "having it out" with your parents ,is it never seems to change anything and they will just deny it ,or offer up some poor excuse "You know dear Sis ,she cant manage as well as you!"or some such thing .I think I would be annoyed too ,but this seems to be a pattern locked from childhood !.I think you get more satisfaction from doing it on your own, and at some point in the future they wont always be around for her so what will she do then?!

All the money being spent on her wedding will be gone once her wedding day is here.

Be happy that you are married to someone you presumably love. Do not think about the wedding day.

Other than that, yes, it sounds very unfair. It seems fucked up to give loads more money to one sister. But you can't change them and won't get any answers so best not to dwell on it.

Live your own life and be happy.

Fifteen years after my mother has died and I still feel resentful to her favouritism to my sister.
I was too nice when she was alive to mention the imbalance of 'assistance'. I should have said something at the time. So I deeply regret it now
NC with DS.

Span1elsRock
This is exactly my situation! ^

I also had the same issue as OP with wedding, although my vile sister’s wedding was first. Everything was sourced, planned, set up and paid for by my mum. I got constant digs about me and DH not having a ‘proper’ wedding by my mum and sister (before going NC). We were happy that we only did a registry office quick wedding with witnesses, but was very upsetting to me that the all singing and all dancing version was not even given as an option. Plus I was given stick for it, and made to feel inferior for my choice of “shit” wedding. By both of the fuckers!

Look at the stately homes and narc threads OP. It’s a long road once you realise this isn’t all ok or normal. So many of us are on the receiving end of this shit and are all with you in solidarity and support.

As with pp, I would never in a million years allow this to happen with my children. I’m so so so aware of fairness and have lots of explanations for them when they question things that seem unfair. I don’t make them all have the same stuff and same experiences, but am always sure to explain why one got this or that, and how it’s fair because of whatever reason. I can’t imagine the horror of one of my precious and lovely children ever feeling like I care about them the least. I feel choked up even thinking about it.

My parents are the same with my younger sister- I think you have cause and effect the wrong way round here. Ultimately I think being so indulgent with my DSis has hurt her more than the favouritism has hurt me.

what @donquixotedelamancha said. Except substitute "youngest brother" for his younger sister.

My youngest bro's life has been a disaster due to never having to take responsibility as mommy dearest will always bail him out. And he's now in his 60s and it's still happening.

After years of resenting the fact that she prefers him to me (her youngest) I've decided I'm not going to be eaten up by it. It's her money so I can't make her decisions for her. I now just take care not to mention things to my H as he will get upset on my behalf which is also not productive.

Just think of all the money they are giving her is pre payment for the care she will be doing when they are old - pull away from them and let them get on with it

My future BIL got 10000£ for their wedding and £2000 cash as a gift (on the actual wedding day). MIL didn't even offer anything for our wedding next year (we don't need it, but still!)

It might be the case the sister asks for financial help and gets it. Whereas OP doesn’t ask and her parents believe that it is not needed.

Sounds as though you have very little to lose by asking them about it. If they through a hissy fit and go NC for a while then that is their choice. NOT saying anything will only make yourself continue to seethe. Our family is a brush it under the carpet type and lots has come out recently about people's feelings that should have been bought up years ago.
Most are now NC. Dont be like us if you feel things can be brought up, even if not sorted to how you wish, then just be honest for your own sake.

throw

DH and I are very financially astute, DH sister is shit with money, believe me when I say she earns a lot and had many years of working offshore so didn’t pay any tax as far as I’m aware. Plus her living expenses were taken care of. When DH Father died recently he left everything to her. Same for me my little sis was left everything because she was hard up, she is an alcoholic so drank a lot of her money.

It hurt me a lot over the years but in the end I bothered a lot less with my Mother. DH was still the dutiful DS when his Father was dying he spent thousands travelling overseas to visit his Father.

Stuff like this destroys families. You cant make them be fair unfortunately.

OP I know exactly what you mean.

My DF gave my DSis 3x the amount he gave us, because ' she wanted a traditional wedding and yours was small' - he gave her half and the in laws paid the rest, the amount he gave her would've just about paid for ours outright.

All her life he has propped her up. Since my DM died he has done it unchecked. He would buy her lunch if we were out and expect me and DH to pay for our own. He bought her a car. And now he is paying for her IVF.

He feels like I am 'sorted' now because I married earlier, had kids, have a mortgage etc. DH and I worked our arses off to have those things and because my DSis swanned off to far flung climes in her 20s and 30s and didn't settle she is somehow more deserving of his financial help.

There was a long-running thread on a very similar situation relatively recently. I don't know if the OP of it is still around. If I remember correctly, she did point out the non-stop favouritism and dig outs that her sibling received. I don't think it resolved anything, but I'm open to correction, if anyone else remembers the thread.

OP, I would be tempted to let them know that you are aware of the imbalance. 'Oh x said you are paying for such and such, very nice'... I'm guessing the response would be along the lines of 'oh you know x and how she loves the best of everything, so hard to say no to her'. Indulgent laughter...which you will be expected to join in.

I think I would also expect the same in the future, e.g if both of you have children.
I would be gently but firmly be pulling a bit away from the lot of them, tbh.

Ask your dad? Don't ask your mum, just have a low-key chat with him about it?

Comparison is the thief of joy. Don’t let ‘d’sis day spoil your wedding and memories.

However, i’d Be annoyed as well!

I'd go with @bumblingbovine49 approach.

As a minimum you need to check them about this before grandchildren come along. They will pick on each difference.

My younger brother is the favoured child. It hurt a lot when I was younger but now I am past caring. I know my parents do love me, and I love them, and they do and have helped me out, but he is still the favourite. In my wisdom at nearly 50 I know they won't change, and trying to 'have it out' with them would cause more grief and upset than any of us would want to go through. I am happy to know that my own family unit is enough emotional sustenance for me now and I can manage warm but non-intense and fairly infrequent visits/phone calls with my parents. I think they are 95% oblivious, and the 5% that realises they have been unfair is always able to make excuses for it. It also helps that my brother is a nice person - it isn't his fault they put him on a pedestal. OP apart from being crap with money, is your DSIS someone you love and can get on with, or are you better off just going low-contact with the whole family?

Next time it comes up I would say: "Stop doing that, we are not treated the same, we never have been. The favouritism is hurtful enough but this thing where you say " you are both treated equally" is insulting, you are treating me like am either too thick to notice or too weak to say anything, I am neither. Give what you give but let's stop the "sisters are equal" charade"

Similar here. DPs paid towards my wedding, but gave my sister a house deposit (vast vast difference). When I got remarried my parents gave me a token amount towards a dress, which they didn't need to at all but was nice except for the dig that if they didn't pay I'd just buy something terrible. They then funded a massive amount towards my sister's wedding, which was more far more than my first. My sister is very financially reckless, earns more than our household combined and often cries poverty at the end of a month. I've backed away from them all over the years. I live happier than them all.

As a supposedly "favoured" child whose brother blew up at me, accusing me of thinking our parents are an endless pit of money (unfair criticism as I was good at school and got into more exclusive schools and a better more expensive university than my brother did. However, my parents would have happily paid for him to go to the same school but he did not have the grades - and still went to a very good school (we were all educated privately and to the same level, but it was up to us to choose and get accepted into the schools we wanted to go to). I also was awarded post graduate scholarships and travelled abroad on money I received in scholarship and grant money and working fulltime. When I fell pregnant and got married my brother accused me of expecting my parents to fund my lifestyle which could not have been further from the truth as me and DH very much always paid our way and I have never accepted any money from my parents since that blow up. I worked and was granted generous stipends as a postgraduate student. My parents still gave me the same financial support until age 24 that they did to my brother as well, however I had more disposable income due to stipends and scholarships I had that my brother did not. Should my parents not have given me the same financial support as I had it all sorted?), I'm curious as to why siblings blame the "favoured" sibling for their parents actions. I honestly don't mind that my younger sister has never worked and is in uni with a fully paid for swanky 2 bedroom flat (nicer than most working people can afford), while I was in student halls at the same age. I think sometimes different children need different things. My sister has bad anxiety and struggles to share. I wouldn't demand my parents give me the difference they have spent on her than they did me at that point in my life.

bumblingbovine49

A friend told me that when she heard her mother's will read out, all she heard was "Your mother didn't love you". It poisoned the relationship with the sister who'd been left everything, and poisoned her memories of her mother. She never wants to think about her now, it's too painful.

OP, you say you didn’t get the wedding you wanted on the first place, did you change it to accommodate your family or your DH’s?

I think it’s dawning on you that no matter how nice you are, careful with others feelings, understanding about your parents behaviour, that it’s not doing you any favours emotionally.

What have you said to your sister? Does she know that she’s asking for more than you got? Does she care how it makes you feel?

My sister got more than me because my parents felt it entitled them to interfere in everything she did. It was a curse in the end.

Think about what you want from your relationship with them. Be aware grandchildren complicate things massively.

It baffles me people still have their parents contribute to and or pay for their wedding!