To feel shit at the blatant favouritism?

[sailorcherries]

So this is a wedding one and I am prepared to be flamed.

I was married earlier in the year and although we had a lovely day both DH and I made some sacrifices due to budgets. We knew what we could save and DHs mum and dad paid for a bit and my parents contributed X amount.
It was a lovely day and people commented on how it was relaxed but, even now, in the back of my mind it was never my wedding - I wanted to go abroad, on our own, and it opened up a world of grief so we changed our mind. I then fell in love with a venue/style but it was out the budget we knew we had and that was that.

My DSis recently got engaged and the whole "you'll get exactly what sailor's got" was paraded about.
They are off for a second viewing today and she let it slip that my parents have agreed to pay for her venue and outfit. The venue alone, for the amount of guests, already means that she will get around £3000+ more than me and then the outfit on top is an additional £2000 odd based on the designers she wants.

I feel quite shit. I am grateful to my parents for helping however I hate this idea that they believe they are being fair. My entire life my DSis has had more financial help from my parents, to the tune of thousands, that has never been repaid. They are always there to bail her out because she is shockingly bad at taking financial responsibility. Even now she gets exactly what she wants, regardless of cost.

When moving in to our respective homes we paid the entire deposit, flooring, decoration etc. DSis and her fiance had their deposit paid for by his parents and my parents bought them furniture and completely decorated it.

I am currently unwell, as well as my period being due and therefore hormonal, and also worried about money as DH has recently quit his job to retrain. I'm not going to say anything to DSis or my parents. Aibu in being upset/annoyed/fed up of the fact that she constantly gets more? I am proud at how well DH and I are doing for ourselves, on our own two feet, but sometimes it sucks.

Rivkka: "I would straight out ask them why."
"Rivkka it isn't worth the hassle with my mum. I wouldn't get an answer and would probably receive a barrel of verbal abuse in the process."
So your mum knows. She knows she treats you two differently, and she attacks as a form of defence .

Fuck 'em. As Rivka suggested, straight out ask them - both your mum and your dad. At least he can find out his wife's reasons. Listen to her verbal abuse, but let it bounce off you. It's expected, it's her attempt to deflect from her own shitty behaviour, it's meaningless; just a demonstration that she's being shitty and she knows she's being shitty.

And then hit her with 7yo7yo 's question - "How do you see our relationship moving forward?" Spell it out that there are consequences to her behaviour and they are down to her behaviour and nothing else.

I honestly think now would be a good time to decide how much you want your parents in your life, before you have children. Because when you and your sister produce grandchildren, do you really not think the favouritism will be reproduced in the next generation? Because I'm sure it will be. And what you've had to put up with - I don't think you will inflict on your children.

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

I have children already, my DSis is no where near it. My eldest will probably be in to his teens before he has a cousin and the youngest will beat least 7 or 8. DSis is only 23 and isn't getting married until she is 26, with no plans before then.

In all other ways they are wonderful, and are wonderful grandparents and I know they'll be the same way to any children my sister has.

My sister and I have always got on well. For so long I've never made the very obvious differences in financial treatment a thing but today, due to hormones/worry/generally feeling rundown it got the better of me.

My sister getting the wedding she wants shouldn't impact our relationship.

You can't ask them, there is no point as they will not give you a straight answer - they probably don't have a real reason for the disparity in treatment. My parents are the same, my younger brother is the favourite. I did ask them why they gave him support and not me, why they pushed me to do things that weren't right for me and making me take on debt in the process while he was fully funded to live in luxury while following his dreams. They simply denied that this was the case. End of conversation. I remember writing my mum a letter when I was 7 or so saying I was running away because she loved DB more than me, she cried and made me feel so incredibly guilty - but sadly it is the truth. It's been this way my whole life and it won't change. I have tried to detach as much as possible and I am very LC with DB. I only stay in contact so DD has involved grandparents, they love her very much and are much better GPs than they were parents to me.

Some of these messages are so sad. OP YANBU to be upset about it. Unless your mother has some self awareness there's little hope she'll change.

You say they are wonderful in all other ways yet you think your mother would verbally abuse you and your dad would stand apologetically by if you spoke to them.

I understand your reluctance but I wonder if you’ve decided to just accept that you’re not the favourite in order to keep the family sweet? Doesn’t sound such a good deal for you.

My sister getting the wedding she wants shouldn't impact our relationship.*

And by this i know you'll be ok.

Don't let their judgement/ error spoil the love you have for your sister x

My DM felt sorry for my sister and always bailed her out.
She stole money took drugs and it was always, "Poor DSis"
I copped off with a lad - I got kicked out
I studied hard and did well but she pissed about and did not work and in her mid 20s my parents fully funded her degree.
I'm not bitter as I can say I did everything on my own but I was pretty annoyed when I got married as my DSis said to my dad, "whatever you give her for her wedding I want, too". He answered of course, when you get married and her response was - I want it NOW.

Good job he did not donate a penny to us - so she did get the same!

I'm NC with DM and DSis but great relationship with my Dad :)

I really don't understand why parents do this. My MIL is the same, she pays for SILs holidays even though SIL and BIL have a much higher income than us. One year she got them each a high value tech present at Christmas and gave my DH a pair of basic knitted gloves (that were the wrong size) and nothing for me...

We have talked to her about it and she doesn't deny it but has no explanation for it. She listens when we say how it makes us feel unloved and gives us a huge apology but then just carries on doing exactly the same thing!

It is hurtful but most of all I just find it baffling that a parent can acknowledge how their behaviour is hurting their child but then just continue doing it.

We feel better for having got it off our chests but nothing has changed and I don't expect it to. It doesn't change how much it hurts though.

A friend told me that when she heard her mother's will read out, all she heard was "Your mother didn't love you". It poisoned the relationship with the sister who'd been left everything, and poisoned her memories of her mother. She never wants to think about her now, it's too painful.

Similar here, although we (my sister and I) were left something it was in different proportions to the "golden child", by quite a considerable margin. It was years ago but the hurt is still there. I won't have pictures of my mother out, and I'm LC with my father.

I get it. When I left home, I had very little help of any sort. My brother had none. My sister was provided with deposit and first months rent plus white goods and they also helped her move everything. I got a load of hassle because I needed to store a fridge in the living room overnight. It's me that gets all the hassle every time they fall out, my mum actually turned up on my doorstep crying when I was 8 months pregnant because there had been some pathetic drama between her and my sister. I thought someone had died. I try to avoid the lot of them where possible now.

Hi OP

Other than finances, do they treat you differently in other ways? If someone saw you interacting as a family, would it be obviously she was the 'golden child'?

I only ask because there were a couple of linked threads a few months ago, with a very similar scenario. Two sisters, one was given lots of financial help and wasnt good with finances and the one who wrote the post got nothing.

I dont know if anyone knows what it was called and could post a link to it?

She confronted her mother who initially denied it. And she spoke to her sister. It turned out her mum had some guilt for things that had happened when they were babies, pnd etc. She had been convinced she had damaged the favoured one and was trying to make it up to her. It had started like that but ended up being them bailing the favoured one out, as they wanted both daughters to be 'equal' in terms of disposable income etc so were trying to 'even things out'. Both sisters agreed that they wanted it to stop, it was actually damaging both of them, the less favoured one was feeling unloved and the favoured one was actually feeling like her parents thought she was hopeless and reinforced the feelings that she couldn't manage on her own. I think eventually the mother agreed to try and change things but was struggling to break the habit. The father 'got it' though and apologised.

I think if your sister is the 'golden child's in every way and they are shitty parents to you (you mention you might get abuse if you raise it) then there is no point in raising it. But if its just finances and help as opposed to favouritism in every way (eg they want to spend equal time with you otherwise) then it might be worth bringing up. If not with your mum since she is driving it, then with your dad or sister. Dont focus on the money but on how it makes you feel 'less'. I'm not sure how much there is to lose as if you keep quiet it sounds like it will just make you miserable anyway. If you have an otherwise good relationship you should be able to tell them how your actions make you feel

Did you actually ask them to pay for an expensive location etc fir your wedding and they said no? Or did they give you what you asked for but you chose cheaper options than your sister?

You act like it's a massive thing that you and your husband have paid for your flat etc by yourselves, but this is in fact the norm for most adults.
Your sister got more and yes, it's unfair, but focus on all the good things you DO have, and be grateful for the financial assistance you DID receive.

RedHelen I was told they would give me X and I was so thankful. They told me sister she'd get the same and she showed then a venue she liked but "could never afford" and so they said they'd pay the entire cost as it was 'fair'.

Due most adults do yes. However I had just turned 22, had a child and had been a single parent with no assistance, at university and working 3 jobs. I was stretched emotionally and financially and so moving out and furnishing an entire place for myself and my child on that money was a big deal. She moved out after living at home and working full time, earning over £800 a month more than I did when I moved out, with no childcare bills, and she couldn't afford to save or buy furniture and so they sorted it.
That hurts a little, yes.

Same story on DH’s side. His parents spent a fortune on their daughter’s wedding, nothing on ours. And guess who they called when they got in financial trouble? DH! (who wasn’t working at the time so... me really). Answer was no.

It's usual for bride's family to pay for her wedding, if they can afford it of course. Sometimes groom's parents will pay for certain things, like drinks or cars - or even honeymoon if they're flush. I've known some couples who paid for their own, parents helped as much as they could.

Could it because the see her as a bit of a fuck up? Maybe they see you as responsible and mature and need their help less? Maybe she's a bit of a FU and they see her as needing more help or more demanding of the big white wedding? It might be a compliment in disguise, seeing as you found a more expensive venue but didn't ask as you respected your parents budget? Your sister showed no such respect? Just a thought.

Good points, rededucator. The parents may even it all up at some stage too, that often happens.

If they said your sister would get exactly the same as you, it's reasonable to ask why that hasn't happened.

It's usual for bride's family to pay for her wedding, if they can afford it of course. Sometimes groom's parents will pay for certain things, like drinks or cars - or even honeymoon if they're flush. I've known some couples who paid for their own, parents helped as much as they could

I think the couple should pay for themselves. It’s their decision to get married, why should anybody else fund it!?

My parents are the same. They take from me but give to my sister. Favouritism really I tried to address it but called jealous by my dad. Like PP said its not the money, its what it represents.

Yanbu at all. Any person would feel hard done by in that situation as you say, it's something to be proud of that you and your husband are financially independent and responsible, but that doesn't mean it won't hurt to see your sister given advantages you didn't have.