I will need to change some details to avoid possibility of identifying anyone. I'm also going to tell it as it's been presented to me both by DD and by her partner.
My DD is 26. She was just diagnosed with ASC and I'm saying this because I think it's relevant to the predicament she is in and how it influences the situation. She is in her first relatiionship with a man she knows through work, and he is 8 years older. They have been together for 18 months but I only knew about him just under a year ago when I met him for the first time. I liked him immediatley and so did both DDs older brothers who are around his age BUT
He is still married, but separated, he says. Still in the family home whilst they try and figure a way to sell and settle fairly, as they have a DS who is still quite young and who hasn't been told by his parents that they don't love each other any more I can just see the disbelief on your faces as you read this. DD and man see each other alot, keep in frequent contact but he never stays over and she has never met his family; she doesn't think he has told his family about her but he says to me he has, including his STBX. He has met all of DDs family.
Recently DD confided in me she has become fed up, upset and angry because despite everything they've discused about a future togther there has been little action on his part in terms of walking the walk, as it were. Finally she ended it with him as she felt she couldn't trust him to be committed and it was hurting her. He tried hard to win her back and it was only when she told me the full story (from her perspective) and asked me to talk to him that I agreed as I wanted to smash his face in for upsetting her
He tells a really, really convincing story and one which rings true, he is very aware of my DD's social communication difficulties and tries, he says, to take that into account. He loves her, is absolutely committed to a future with her, has never felt so at home with anyone, never expected this to happen etc .He is stuck in a financial situation that he can't find an immediate way out of as he wants to ensure fairness in the division of the family assets. He can't afford to immediately walk away and start again with nothing and the current housing situation where they live is looking a bit precarious. He sees DD as his future, he still has much respect for his STBX, he wants to be there for his DS etc, he knows this is a very complicated situation and that DD is finding it very hard to see the bigger picture.
My view is that at 24 DD has alot of life experience to get under her belt and this man, lovely though he seems to be, is not available and could also be a very accomplished liar
I'm trying to focus on DD and not whether he is, or isn't, truly committed regardless of the back story. I want her to be happy, she's had an unbelievably hard time in the last couple of years; bereavements, work stress, a serious illness herself not long ago.
I've been in a relationship (a long time ago and I wasn't OW) where I was with someone who said all the right things but had feet of clay, I never really knew where I stood or if he meant what he said and used to feel very anxious and insecure about him. Even when he did eventually and under his own terms move his stuff in, it didn't feel right and I ended it because I couldn't trust his motives and we weren't as suited as we'd initially thought.
I don't know what to do what to do for the best other than to stay completely out of it and be there for DD if it all goes tits up. It's not easy trying to steer a course like this when DD is the age she is and has such little relationship experience.