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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP getting drunk with his mum

72 replies

Sankayaded · 07/09/2019 17:50

I'm being told IABU by my partner but I need some outside perspective as I'm seriously close to having a breakdown from this kind of thing happening.
My DP and I have a 1 year old DD who has been poorly for the last 4 days. Shes been sleeping in the bed with me as it was the only way I was able to get any sleep as shes been wakening constantly. I'm exhausted.
I was on days off Thursday and Friday, working today at 8am.
DP has slept in the spare room to 'give us all more room' but iv felt like its been a cop out for being woken constantly.
DP is self employed with very flexible hours.
Anyway, I went to bed last night and DP suggested he slept in the spare room again, I had to leave for work at 7.20am so I said okay as long as he wasnt difficult to get up as since I returned to work, he has been a nightmare to waken in the morning.
I get up at 6.30am, DD in my bed sleeping, I went into spare room to be greeted by the stench of last nights drink.
He was very difficult to waken and when I did when him it was clear he had had a heavy night. When I went to bed at 11pm he was sober.
His mum lives just next door, and it turns out that once again, he has went to hers and sat up drinking all night.
Eventually he got up, and went to go sleep in our bed with baby but I was saying he shouldn't as he wasnt safe to. I was told 'shut up you cunt' multiple times and told to leave him alone. I wasnt going to risk my babys wellbeing so was asking him not to sleep in the bed with her. He threw his glass of water over me and went through into the bed.
I came into the room and picked DD up because I couldn't risk her safety.

AIBU in insisting he doesnt sleep in a bed with a baby when still under the influence of alcohol?
This isnt the first time iv woken up in the morning after looking after our baby who doesnt sleep well, to find out he has been drinking at his mums, sometimes till 7am!?
Again I'm made out to be unreasonable.
I'm angry at him but also his mum seems to encourage it. Last night I even messaged him near 3am asking for help (I'd seen he was recently active on facebook) as I was badly needing sleep before work as baby wouldnt settle for more than 10-15 mins before crying again. He messaged back saying he would just be through, but hadn't appeared 10 mins later so I messaged again saying she was asleep. I hadn't realised at the time but he would have been at his mums.
He hasn't spoken to me since I came home at 4, going off to bed as soon as I came in, leaving me to look after baby and make tea.

OP posts:

HerRoyalFattyness · 07/09/2019 17:54

Honestly, from reading that he is abusive.
You need to leave, not just for your babies safety, but for your own.
Calling you a cunt and throwing water on you for expecting him to be in a fit state to care for his own child is abuse.

Chickychoccyegg · 07/09/2019 17:55

if this is all true, i would be chucking him out so he can go and live with his mum, he sounds completely irresponsible, rude, selfish, and generally completely awful, ywbu to stay with this loser.

Borlotti · 07/09/2019 17:55

No, you're not being unreasonable
It's incredibly dangerous for someone so drunk to sleep in the bed with a baby.
His behaviour is disgusting.
No way would I stay with a man who repeatedly called me a cunt either or threw water over me either.
He sounds incredibly irresponsible and abusive, I wouldn't want to raise a child with a disgusting person like him.

QforCucumber · 07/09/2019 17:55

The drinking is a side issue here to be fair, calling you a cunt and throwing his glass of water at you are both not acceptable forms of behaviour.

HappyHammy · 07/09/2019 17:57

he sounds awful, can you take some time off work and go and stay with your family or a friend to get your head a bit clearer. if he prefers to sit and get pissed up with his mum then really is he responsible enough to be a dad to a baby, I'd be having strong words with his mum too, or maybe your parents can do that for you.

CodenameVillanelle · 07/09/2019 17:57

He's an abusive drunk. You shouldn't have to put up with ANY of this.

FusionChefGeoff · 07/09/2019 17:58

That's appalling brhaviour and I would be outta there pretty fast.

Bluntness100 · 07/09/2019 17:58

Seriously? Is this for real? Your issue is whether he should sleep with your child and not that he called you a cunt and threw water over you?

Have you posted this before?

athenagoddessofwar · 07/09/2019 17:59

Would you be happy with a future partner treating your child that way? If not, why should you put up with it?

TheMustressMhor · 07/09/2019 17:59

Really appalling behaviour on his part.

Does he do this frequently?

I would be making plans to leave.

Wolfiefan · 07/09/2019 18:00

“Once again” he sat up all night drinking? Time to end the relationship.

IfIKnewThenWhatIKnowNow · 07/09/2019 18:02

from reading your post, it appears that this behaviour from him is normal to you?

It is not ok to call you a cunt or to throw water over you. That’s abuse! I’m not intending to be dramatic, but please read up on the signs of domestic abuse and consider leaving at the very least.

You have every right to be concerned about him co sleeping, you should be concerned about his behaviour too!

FoolishTwat · 07/09/2019 18:03

I have been here OP, almost exactly even down to the alcoholic mother and ramping verbal abuse after dd was born.

I didn't leave. I concentrated on it being the drink and now here I am 8 years later and a shell of my former self.

The drink problem isn't helping, but that is far from your only problem.

If you make him give up he will sulk and resent you openly until you relent. Even if the drinking improves after an ultimatum the other abusive behaviour will ramp up.

You probably are at least a deacde of misery and damage away from taking this advice, but please just leave.

MistyMinge2 · 07/09/2019 18:03

He's an asshole. Get out of this relationship for the sake of you and your baby. Oh and YANBU.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2019 18:04

You aeem very matter of fact about the abuse you are being regularly subjected to

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 07/09/2019 18:05

Why are you with this man?!

AriadneCrete · 07/09/2019 18:05

YANBU. He sounds awful. He has shown he’s not a responsible father, nor is he a good partner. His judgement is seriously lacking and his behaviour towards you is abusive.

I would leave.

virginpinkmartini · 07/09/2019 18:06

Op, you know you're not being unreasonable. You're looking for people to tell you that he's being abusive and you need to leave him, and I will gladly oblige.

Whatevskev · 07/09/2019 18:06

OP do you honestly need to ask anyone if this is ok? To ask if YABU?

Read it back.
Imagine your friend telling this

Why are you with a man who calls you a cunt, throws water on you, prioritises his own need to get pissed over helping you care for his child and on top of that would risk his baby’s safety and health.

He doesn’t sound like any kind of partner or father.

I’m quite sure you could do a lot better than this

GreenTulips · 07/09/2019 18:08

What did you do with the baby all day?

mogloveseggs · 07/09/2019 18:09

LTB
He is abusive and drinks instead of putting you and the kids first.
How long before he hits you?

Witchinaditch · 07/09/2019 18:11

Yanbu he is abusive. Your title is misleading as this is about so much more than him drinking with his mum. Fine to have a few drinks but why hurl abuse at you when you quite rightly ask him not to sleep in a bed with a baby when drunk.

meyouandlulutoo · 07/09/2019 18:12

I would be telling his mother exactly what affect staying up all night drinking with her son is having on yourself and her grandchild. I would leave, he is abusive towards you and he is not a fit father. Does he support you financially? I know you said that his working hours are flexible as he is self employed, but how long before his drinking all night affects his work?

DP is self employed with very flexible hours.

Cheeserton · 07/09/2019 18:15

LTB. Quick.

Beebeezed · 07/09/2019 18:15

Sorry you’re going through this. This isn’t right. You have put your child needs ahead of yours by questioning if she should share a bed with your child when drunk (he shouldn’t, it’s dangerous!) however, you don’t seem too concerned about how he treated you? This seems like abuse to me OP and I would take all of that love you have for your child and let it give you the strength to leave him. You don’t want her to be around this, and you deserve better.

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