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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP getting drunk with his mum

72 replies

Sankayaded · 07/09/2019 17:50

I'm being told IABU by my partner but I need some outside perspective as I'm seriously close to having a breakdown from this kind of thing happening.
My DP and I have a 1 year old DD who has been poorly for the last 4 days. Shes been sleeping in the bed with me as it was the only way I was able to get any sleep as shes been wakening constantly. I'm exhausted.
I was on days off Thursday and Friday, working today at 8am.
DP has slept in the spare room to 'give us all more room' but iv felt like its been a cop out for being woken constantly.
DP is self employed with very flexible hours.
Anyway, I went to bed last night and DP suggested he slept in the spare room again, I had to leave for work at 7.20am so I said okay as long as he wasnt difficult to get up as since I returned to work, he has been a nightmare to waken in the morning.
I get up at 6.30am, DD in my bed sleeping, I went into spare room to be greeted by the stench of last nights drink.
He was very difficult to waken and when I did when him it was clear he had had a heavy night. When I went to bed at 11pm he was sober.
His mum lives just next door, and it turns out that once again, he has went to hers and sat up drinking all night.
Eventually he got up, and went to go sleep in our bed with baby but I was saying he shouldn't as he wasnt safe to. I was told 'shut up you cunt' multiple times and told to leave him alone. I wasnt going to risk my babys wellbeing so was asking him not to sleep in the bed with her. He threw his glass of water over me and went through into the bed.
I came into the room and picked DD up because I couldn't risk her safety.

AIBU in insisting he doesnt sleep in a bed with a baby when still under the influence of alcohol?
This isnt the first time iv woken up in the morning after looking after our baby who doesnt sleep well, to find out he has been drinking at his mums, sometimes till 7am!?
Again I'm made out to be unreasonable.
I'm angry at him but also his mum seems to encourage it. Last night I even messaged him near 3am asking for help (I'd seen he was recently active on facebook) as I was badly needing sleep before work as baby wouldnt settle for more than 10-15 mins before crying again. He messaged back saying he would just be through, but hadn't appeared 10 mins later so I messaged again saying she was asleep. I hadn't realised at the time but he would have been at his mums.
He hasn't spoken to me since I came home at 4, going off to bed as soon as I came in, leaving me to look after baby and make tea.

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 07/09/2019 18:20

Him drinking is the least of your problems surely? He called you a cunt and threw water over you? He is abusive.

SunshineCake · 07/09/2019 18:21

What do you want, OP?

It's not safe for a drunk person to sleep in bed with a child and it is unjustifiable for a Child to grow up with an abusive father, abusing her mum.

Original poster
Sankayaded · 07/09/2019 18:24

I relocated for him so dont have family nearby, however I know it's at the point where I need to leave. I just need to figure out how. I am financially dependent on him just now as it's his house and I quickly burned through my savings when on maternity leave. We are not married.
He has always name called, claiming after it doesnt mean as bad a thing to him as it does me, not that it makes it okay. I'm just beyond frustrated with him but so glad to read that I'm not actually this massive unreasonable person he claims I am.

After him telling me to phone in sick to work ( I had to do that last month because he went out at night and didnt return home till 12.30pm the next day) he got up a minute before I was about to leave to put DD with a friend. I know I probably shouldn't have left her with him but I didnt really know what to do as I was going to be late.

OP posts:
LadyGodiva83 · 07/09/2019 18:24

Why are you his alarm clock? Why can't this fucker get up on time of his own accord. What the fucking fuck. Besides the rest.

WorldEndingFire · 07/09/2019 18:28

Please read through the information here. Women's Aid will help you:

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

LagunaBubbles · 07/09/2019 18:30
  • He threw his glass of water over me and went through into the bed. I came into the room and picked DD up because I couldn't risk her safety*

You are risking her safety, her emotional safety every second you stay with this man. Children dont have a choice to be brought into abusive relationships or raised in one but you do have a choice.

balonzz · 07/09/2019 18:34

He really is revolting. I hope that you can plan your escape soon OP.

Cheeserton · 07/09/2019 18:38

Have you any family you could go to? Please leave. You deserve better.

Span1elsRock · 07/09/2019 18:40

You are making a conscious choice to be with this poor excuse of a man.

Your child doesn't have any choice.

Why would you inflict this life on them?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/09/2019 18:40

This is totally unacceptable behaviour. All of it, from wanting to cosleep with your DD drunk (which is incredibly dangerous and irresponsible) to insulting you and tipping water over you.

Glad to hear you're planning on leaving him. He clearly moved you away from support so you've become isolated and he can get wasted with his DM. What sort of DGM does that?

I think you need to start getting organized to LTB. It may take a while but if you've got a plan you'll make it. Obviously sooner would be better, so is there any chance you could stay with family? Because if that's possible I'd go now. This isn't going to get any better.

TitsInAbsentia · 07/09/2019 18:42

Please get some help to leave him, make a plan and get out fast x

SunshineCake · 07/09/2019 18:45

Another ridiculous comment from a twat to try and justify their abuse - it doesn't sound as bad to him as you. Of course it doesn't as he's not the one being abused and he's the one saying it.

Pack your stuff, go home, set maintenance in place. He should have been supporting you and the baby during maternity leave. You should not have been "burning through" your savings.

Heartburn888 · 07/09/2019 19:45

He sounds like an absolute cock. Throwing a glass of water over you and calling you a cunt? Really?

As pp have said, let him go round to his mothers and tell him to take his clothes with him.

Do you have any other family members you can call on for help? I’d be seriously thinking about leaving him.

Does he have form for this kind of thing?

Original poster
Sankayaded · 07/09/2019 20:15

He can be lovely, kind, supportive and a really amazing dad, but yes he does have form for this.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/09/2019 20:22

Being nice at times doesn’t entitle him to be an abusive twat at others.
It’s what abusers do to keep you around.

Wolfiefan · 07/09/2019 20:26

And amazing dads don’t call the mother of their child a cunt and throw things at them.

HappyHammy · 07/09/2019 20:30

I dont know what work you do but they might have an occupational health dept who you could talk to. Can you move back to your parents for a while. I would also talk to your health visitor.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/09/2019 20:38

He is horrible OP

He decides to get pissed when his baby is ill and his partner is struggling and knackered

He co sleeps while drunk

His work is flexible but he wants you to call in sick so he can get pissed rather than stay sober and take some time off

He throws things at you

He uses abusive language to you and then tries to justify it by blaming you for taking it more seriously than him (because most people are fine with being called a cunt!)

It sounds like instead of seeing it has his role to support you and the baby, you have used mainly your own money for the 'luxury' of being on maternity leave

I dont see any signs of 'amazing dad' or 'kind' in someone who would happily risk suffocation of his own child and call their mother a cunt for being concerned about this

bluetue · 07/09/2019 20:47

You absolutely need to leave him, this is incredibly unfair.

NotStayingIn · 07/09/2019 20:51

I quickly burned through my savings when on maternity leave

How were warning bells not ringing all over the place whilst this was happening?!

Ok sorry that’s of no use to you now. But I am flabbergasted at the things women put up with during pregnancy and then miraculously expect things to turn out ok further down the line. Confused

I’m sorry you are stuck OP, I really hope you get out. He and his mom sound like they are alcoholics (or will soon be) so are unlikely to change. Flowers

Polydactyly · 07/09/2019 20:54

I would be getting all my ducks in a row, saving to leave or just messaging a relative or friend for some money to go stay with them. I’d rather send any of my friends money and offer a place to stay than have them stuck with their baby and an abusive husband.

BEDinhalfanhour · 07/09/2019 20:58

Tell your family.

Bourbonbiccy · 07/09/2019 21:07

Tell your family, get them to collect you or get on a train back home with your daughter.
Sleep on their sofa, until you get rehomed.

It's not an environment for a child, you chose him not them, leave and keep them safe.

ohfourfoxache · 07/09/2019 21:07

Please don’t kid yourself that he’s an amazing Dad in any way. The guy is an abusive cuntweasel and you need to LTB asap Thanks

PeevedNiamh · 07/09/2019 21:14

Please leave. He sounds like my ex and that ended really nastily. This is going nowhere. Can you leave quick and go to parents/family/friends? It may not be easy but it will be worth it. Of course I didn't take this exact advice when I was given it years ago, it took a lot more time before I finally got out.

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