Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

DP getting drunk with his mum

72 replies

Sankayaded · 07/09/2019 17:50

I'm being told IABU by my partner but I need some outside perspective as I'm seriously close to having a breakdown from this kind of thing happening.
My DP and I have a 1 year old DD who has been poorly for the last 4 days. Shes been sleeping in the bed with me as it was the only way I was able to get any sleep as shes been wakening constantly. I'm exhausted.
I was on days off Thursday and Friday, working today at 8am.
DP has slept in the spare room to 'give us all more room' but iv felt like its been a cop out for being woken constantly.
DP is self employed with very flexible hours.
Anyway, I went to bed last night and DP suggested he slept in the spare room again, I had to leave for work at 7.20am so I said okay as long as he wasnt difficult to get up as since I returned to work, he has been a nightmare to waken in the morning.
I get up at 6.30am, DD in my bed sleeping, I went into spare room to be greeted by the stench of last nights drink.
He was very difficult to waken and when I did when him it was clear he had had a heavy night. When I went to bed at 11pm he was sober.
His mum lives just next door, and it turns out that once again, he has went to hers and sat up drinking all night.
Eventually he got up, and went to go sleep in our bed with baby but I was saying he shouldn't as he wasnt safe to. I was told 'shut up you cunt' multiple times and told to leave him alone. I wasnt going to risk my babys wellbeing so was asking him not to sleep in the bed with her. He threw his glass of water over me and went through into the bed.
I came into the room and picked DD up because I couldn't risk her safety.

AIBU in insisting he doesnt sleep in a bed with a baby when still under the influence of alcohol?
This isnt the first time iv woken up in the morning after looking after our baby who doesnt sleep well, to find out he has been drinking at his mums, sometimes till 7am!?
Again I'm made out to be unreasonable.
I'm angry at him but also his mum seems to encourage it. Last night I even messaged him near 3am asking for help (I'd seen he was recently active on facebook) as I was badly needing sleep before work as baby wouldnt settle for more than 10-15 mins before crying again. He messaged back saying he would just be through, but hadn't appeared 10 mins later so I messaged again saying she was asleep. I hadn't realised at the time but he would have been at his mums.
He hasn't spoken to me since I came home at 4, going off to bed as soon as I came in, leaving me to look after baby and make tea.

OP posts:

Tellmetruth4 · 07/09/2019 21:16

Wow your expectations of what it takes to be an amazing dad are pretty low if a man who’s happy to risk rolling over and squishing his child in a drunken stupor and calls the mother a cunt fit the bill.

madcatladyforever · 07/09/2019 21:20

You need to throw this cretin out, he is both useless and abusive, oh yes and a disgusting drunk as is his mother.
I cannot see what you get out of this relationship at all.
Also your child is not safe anywhere near him.

carly2803 · 07/09/2019 21:32

this is not normal...LTB and protect your child

calling you a cunt and throiwn water on you?! nope he would be out. today

thewreckofthehesperus · 07/09/2019 21:47

Lovely, kind and supportive people do not call their partners cunts and throw water over them. The kindness is the facade, reeling you in and the abusive side is the real him. I'm sorry I know that's hard to hear but this will only escalate.

Good fathers do not risk their babies safety and drink to excess when they're going to have sole charge of their child.
The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is zero. If there was only 10% of shit in an otherwise gourmet meal would you still eat it? Of course not.

Make your plans to leave, do it for your lo, they cant protect them selves. You need to do it for both your sakes.

AlrightOkNow · 07/09/2019 21:58

Alcoholism sounds like a family issue.
He calls you names.
He's thrown water over you.
He's prepared to risk your child's life due to his own bad habits and laziness.

Now look at that list again. Yes, cosleeping can be done safely but, imo, there are no redeeming factors when someone has a dead child and has knowingly put them at risk to cause it.

Speak to your family and friends, see how much they can help and coordinate something with them if you want to get away. You owe it to your child.

dollydaydream114 · 07/09/2019 22:52

OP, I used to live with a man like this. Please, please believe me when I say you need to end this relationship.

He's not an amazing dad. He's not lovely and supportive. He's an aggressive drunk who is harming you and your child and will continue to do so. There is no excuse to verbally abuse you. There is no excuse to throw things at you. There is no excuse to get into a bed with a baby while drunk.

This time he threw water at you. Next time he will throw the glass.

EKGEMS · 08/09/2019 00:03

You should pack your bags and sell whatever is of value in your home and get on a train,a plane or a bus and get to your family ASAP.,then get your ass to a solicitor and file for child maintenance and full custody. You HAVE no choice but to protect your helpless angel and yourself

FeeFee832 · 08/09/2019 00:23

Op, this is horrendous abuse.

You should leave him.

Babysharkisanearworm · 08/09/2019 02:08

A lovely kind and supportive dad who puts the welfare of his baby at risk by co sleeping when drunk, calls his baby's mother a cunt, who throws water at her because he is still drunk and who leaves all the serious parenting to her because he is drunk?
Do you really want your dd to grow up around this sort of behaviour with a grandma who encourages it?
Fuck that.
LTB, go home. Sod the financial dependency that is just an excuse for allowing this to continue. Women's Aid will help if you are serious about making a break. You will get far more support in your home town than isolated with him.

Jollitwiglet · 08/09/2019 02:13

How can he be a good dad when he is modelling that kind of behaviour for his daughter? Do you want her to grow up thinking that is acceptable?

CTRL · 08/09/2019 03:24

You obviously know you need to leave but I have to ask OP

Why on earth did you move in with him and away from your family and rely on him financially when you were never married ?

I’m not judging because it still doesn’t excuse his behaviour and he is still a pig.

But honestly if he has been this way from the beginning I’m unsure of why you moved in with him and made yourself and your child vulnerable ??

I’m in shock honestly ! His behaviour is disgusting. And his mum clearly doesn’t respect you if she doesn’t see anything wrong with it when his at hers drinking all night.

Get rid and get gone.
Good luck

AJPTaylor · 08/09/2019 03:57

Where are your family? Can you go to them?
I would be heartbroken if my dd and dgd were stuck with this. Money can be sorted out after. Do your parents know about this?

OooErMissus · 08/09/2019 04:57

He can be lovely, kind, supportive and a really amazing dad, but yes he does have form for this.

FFS.

'Can be...' is completely unacceptable. Not even close!

'IS lovely, kind, supportive and an amazing Dad' is the only acceptable benchmark for a man.

EleanorReally · 08/09/2019 06:12

can you bring his mum on board?
is she also drinking all night?
have you explained what is going on.
hope your lo is gettingbetter

Juog · 08/09/2019 09:59

Leave him,he is being horrible to you for no reason, he sounds like a bully calling you names,you do not have to put up with rubbish behaviour from him, picture yourself with him 5 years from now then 10 years ,how do you think he will be with you, he won't change.

Adoptthisdogornot · 08/09/2019 10:05

What the fuck is his mum thinking?! Totally awful of her to condone and facilitate his behaviour. I think you need to start formulating your way out of this situation, I'm sorry.

messolini9 · 08/09/2019 10:11

AIBU in insisting he doesnt sleep in a bed with a baby when still under the influence of alcohol?

YANBU.
Why are you still allowing him to even sleep under the same roof as you & your baby?
Why don't you leave this charming, work-shy, cunt-calling, glass-throwing alcoholic to stay at his mother's?

ParentingFailsandPigtails · 08/09/2019 10:11

Leave @Sankayaded its a dangerous and volatile situation for you and your Child. elleforelle.org.uk might be able to offer some advice.

Stay safe and keep your baby safe.

Keep in touch with others and if you can, call your parents/family/trusted friend. Or me, if you need. Just get out.

H x

EC22 · 08/09/2019 10:14

He called you a cunt and threw water at you.
He is a bastard.

messolini9 · 08/09/2019 10:17

He can be lovely, kind, supportive and a really amazing dad

& yet again, the MN male needs applause JUST FOR MANAGING TO BEHAVE NORMALLY SOME OF THE TIME.

Sorry to shout OP. But I don't care how nice he "can be" some of the time. The other time, he's preferring to spend next door with his mum, getting so shit-faced he can't get up, get to work, look after his child, or treat you with a modicum of respect.
Get back home to your own family, before he gets worse.

BishopofBathandWells · 08/09/2019 10:25

I hate reading stuff like this. I don't know how long you've been together but his drinking, his response to you trying to wake him, his disregard for your child, is not normal behaviour. I left my DCs Dad for this sort of shit, up to and including the drink throwing and verbal abuse. It happens so often you don't realise it's not how it's supposed to be.

Please take the good advice of others on this thread, and leave him. I gather the Freedom Programme is also excellent for developing new strategies going forward. Best of luck OP. You deserve more, and fuckers like that don't truly change.

HoomanMoomin · 08/09/2019 10:42

So you relocated, spent your savings and now trapped with him?
I think you should get out ASAP. It will only get worse.

Flip

1 2 3