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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was this dodgy?

53 replies

Mesomeplace · 06/09/2019 16:48

So i was married for a very long time and recently single. I have children and the divorce broke me... My ex cheated and was also very physically and mentally abusive.

I met someone at a social event. We went out a couple of times. The date was really nice. I really like him. However he asked to come in for coffee last time. We were kissing but then he started touching me... then he moved elsewhere. I said no and carried on kissing him. He put his hand back i tried to move it but he was too strong. I said no and kept trying to move his hand... He continued doing what he wanted.....

I feel really crap like i led him on by kissing him but i clearly said no and tried to move his hand. I was not wanting that. I like him though so now im confused. Please go gentle with the response. Im pretty broken after my marriage and blame myself for everything. I also was suicidal so gentle please x

OP posts:

user1483387154 · 06/09/2019 16:49

you were attacked. as soon as you said no he should have stopped

MagicKingdomDizzy · 06/09/2019 16:51

You did nothing wrong.

I would not see this person again.

cubed123 · 06/09/2019 16:52

Yes it was dodgy - stay away from him.

Toucan123 · 06/09/2019 16:53

It was more than "dodgy" - it was an assault! Kissing someone doesn't give them a license to do whatever they like. You tried to stop him and he carried on - not your fault at all. You haven't done anything wrong in any way shape or form and you really mustn't be so hard on yourself. Sorry this happened to you.

RealMermaid · 06/09/2019 16:53

This was abuse - this guy doesn't respect your boundaries which means he doesn't respect you. You didn't lead him on, you were clear about what you did/didn't want and he refused to listen. It's not your fault, it's his fault. Stay well away.

Kiddofreddo80 · 06/09/2019 16:56

Yeah what a weirdo! I wouldn’t be seeing him again

Homemadearmy · 06/09/2019 16:57

Stay away, no second chances. Listen to no excuses. If he acts like this so early in your relationship, it can only go downhill. His behaviour isn't normal, don't accept it. I know it's hard but really you deserve better.

ElektraUnchained · 06/09/2019 17:02

Assault. Horrible thing to happen to you. The one upside is he did it very early on so you can stop seeing him easily.

NoSauce · 06/09/2019 17:05

He’s not a good guy OP.

AnneKipanki · 06/09/2019 17:06

You said no .

AnneKipanki · 06/09/2019 17:06

As pp write , do not see him again.

TooTrueToBeGood · 06/09/2019 17:07

What you've described is sexual assault. Please, please, please do not let him within a mile of you ever again.

Eli38 · 06/09/2019 17:08

It was an assault. Personally I wouldn't report it as it's too much hassle for something relatively minor, but absolutely keep your distance from him.

Original poster

Mesomeplace · 06/09/2019 17:08

It was the first person ive dated since my marriage ended. Flipping heck. I was so grateful that someone would date me as i felt so broken. He looked so good on paper. Time to gather the last of my strength then 😔

OP posts:

moonpiggle · 06/09/2019 17:08

It doesnt sound right as you said no a few times! Maybe an early warning sign there.

NameChangeNugget · 06/09/2019 17:08

He’s bad news OP

darkcloudsandsunnyskies · 06/09/2019 17:09

Dodgy very. He is not a good person.

BogglesGoggles · 06/09/2019 17:09

That fits the legal definition of sexual assault. Please don’t be so down on yourself, you been through some really hard things lately but you’ve come through the other end. You don’t look broken to me

Ponoka7 · 06/09/2019 17:10

You need to do something like the Freedom programme.

You aren't even recognising a sexual assault. There's probably been masses of red flags that you've ignored.

This relationship will quickly turn even more abusive.

Why do you like someone who has assaulted you? He's pretended to be the person you've wanted him to be.

babytum · 06/09/2019 17:10

He’s not a nice man and treated you poorly. You need to find your own self worth. It’s something that comes internally with time. I think you “like” him because he’s shown you interest/affection/attention albeit of the wrong kind. And after what you’ve been through I think it’s not unusual to look for self worth externally. When you encounter attention like this after an abusive relationship your barometer is so messed up it’s difficult to be able to recognise what is acceptable and what’s not.

You’ve had an horrendous time and need to heal and ground yourself and find out who you are again. Your vulnerable and men like him see this vulnerability like a beacon in the night.
I understand why your confused and the comfort of someone new finding you attractive etc again after what you’ve been through is understandable but I think he’s not going to be good for you.
My advice would be lots of time to give yourself a chance to grow, become stronger and find the new you so you attract the right person who’ll treat with with the respect you know you deserve.

Original poster

Mesomeplace · 06/09/2019 17:12

Thank you ❤️ my radar is so off.

OP posts:

sirmione16 · 06/09/2019 17:14

Op don't be disheartened. Don't be a victim to it. You said no, multiple times. You had your own head and you knew what you wanted and you did stand up for it. Be proud and take confidence from that. So he persisted too far and you felt uncomfortable to say no - that bit is wrong of him and he took advantage, but now take the power back! You need to stick by your initial thoughts that you knew he was pushing you, and put your bloody foot down and don't stand for it any more! You were slightly weak in the moment, but now you've come away, you know it was wrong and now you have the power to take back control of the situation and of yourself. Screw him. Stay strong.

Ohyesiam · 06/09/2019 17:15

Definitely dodgy. We shouldn’t have to fight people off, he should have heard and respected your “ no”.
You did nothing wrong, kissing someone is not signing a contract to have sex.

Sorry you have been through so much. Do you do things for yourself? Simple things that you enjoy that enhance your life. That’s the way I got back on my feet after being broken( plus a shit hot therapist).
Much strength to you op. Be really kind to yourself x

IamWaggingBrenda · 06/09/2019 17:16

Kissing someone does not giving them permission to do whatever they want to you. You did NOTHING wrong. You are allowed to kiss a man, and the idea that you ‘led him on’ or that men can’t control themselves is nuts. Decent men control themselves and if you say ‘no’, they stop. Do not see this guy again. He obviously thinks he can do whatever he wants and has no respect for you.

dollydaydream114 · 06/09/2019 17:17

Bloody hell, OP, that’s assault. Absolutely do NOT go near him again.

Your description of your marriage makes me wonder if you’re really in a good place to be dating at the moment. It sounds like you’ve been with someone abusive and that this has messed with your notions of what is and isn’t acceptable in man’s behaviour towards a partner. I think you would honestly be better off getting some counselling or therapy to help you work through the horrible times you had in your marriage before embarking on dating as I’m really worried that you’re quite vulnerable right now. You deserve so much better than vile men who can’t take no for an answer

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