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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this dodgy?

53 replies

Mesomeplace · 06/09/2019 16:48

So i was married for a very long time and recently single. I have children and the divorce broke me... My ex cheated and was also very physically and mentally abusive.

I met someone at a social event. We went out a couple of times. The date was really nice. I really like him. However he asked to come in for coffee last time. We were kissing but then he started touching me... then he moved elsewhere. I said no and carried on kissing him. He put his hand back i tried to move it but he was too strong. I said no and kept trying to move his hand... He continued doing what he wanted.....

I feel really crap like i led him on by kissing him but i clearly said no and tried to move his hand. I was not wanting that. I like him though so now im confused. Please go gentle with the response. Im pretty broken after my marriage and blame myself for everything. I also was suicidal so gentle please x

OP posts:
Jollitwiglet · 06/09/2019 17:22

You sound vulnerable op, saying that you felt grateful that someone would date you. Certain types of people can pick up on that kind of vulnerability. You need to work on your self esteem, you are worth more and deserve more and you need to believe it yourself. It will take time to build up your confidence again but you can do it and it will be worth it.

And you didn't lead him on in any way. You consented to him kissing you, and you clearly set a boundary and he continued to cross that boundary. You was very clear, there was no mixed signals, you did nothing wrong

Original poster
Mesomeplace · 06/09/2019 17:24

I am vulnerable you are right. I had counselling for a year it was only then i finally admitted my husband was abusive. I kept it a secret for years. I feel so lost without a partner like part of me is missing so i know im searching for value in myself.

OP posts:
TixieLix · 06/09/2019 17:25

OP I hope you managed to stop him before he went further than touching. Don't see this one again for sure, he assaulted you and there really isn't anything to like about him if he doesn't respect your wishes. Look after yourself Flowers.

Original poster
Mesomeplace · 06/09/2019 17:25

The event was definitely not something i was up for... I had my period no way would i have wanted a dinner date to turn into that on that day

OP posts:
KUGA · 06/09/2019 17:25

Keep away from him and warn if possible other women out there.
You did nothing wrong and not all men are the same.so dom`t give up.
Just be careful.

PennyNotSoWise · 06/09/2019 17:37

Flipping heck. I was so grateful that someone would date me as i felt so broken.

That's really sad OP, I wish I could give you a hug. You're being very down on yourself.

It's so much better to be alone for a while than to be with the wrong person. Especially one with no respect for your wishes. He's supposed to be making a good impression, on his best behaviour in the early days. If that's his best behaviour, you really don't want to stick around to see his worst.

Would it be possible for you to seek more counselling? Like a pp said, you sound vulnerable and I worry that those types of men pick up on it and use it to your disadvantage.

VladmirsPoutine · 06/09/2019 17:46

It was assault and I'm sorry you went through that.

But what I will advise is that you spend sometime solo working on yourself. Both mentally and emotionally. Who were you before your ex dimmed your shine?

CCquavers · 06/09/2019 17:46

Move on. You might have had a lucky escape.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 06/09/2019 17:49

You did absolutely nothing wrong. You're entitled to kiss and then do nothing else.

He attacked you. He's the one in the wrong.

Take care Flowers

Original poster
Mesomeplace · 06/09/2019 17:53

Who was i before my ex dimmed my shine?

I liked her she was happy fun and always singing.....

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 06/09/2019 17:56

There's a route back to that woman as she clearly was once there!

I know how awful a separation is - especially when you had your whole life vested in that person and it feels like it's all gone up in a puff of smoke. And indeed your subsequent experience did not help things either.

So rather than looking for a partner to fill a void. How about you try to become whole as a person first. Because even if Mr.Right does fall from the sky; you wouldn't be in a state to have a healthy relationship with him.

Original poster
Mesomeplace · 06/09/2019 18:00

Yeah its awful. I get moments of sheer panic of what i have done kicking him out. I still loved him (my ex) but i couldn't have the children see so much violence. It was really messed up i needed them to see it was wrong. It was like two years later all of that strength has disappeared and i feel like a child acting in an adult role thinking how the heck did i get here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mesomeplace · 06/09/2019 18:02

I have been teflon for so long i cant feel things anymore and then it all catches up on me and im gutted. Then i shake myself down and think oh well. But really secretly all i ever wanted was to be loved

OP posts:
Dementornator · 06/09/2019 18:02

You’ve had a lucky escape this time. Please don’t see this man ever again.

I know you’ve had counselling and that’s great but maybe you still need to work on yourself. Try and find the woman who was there before your ex ‘dimmed your shine’, as you say.

Original poster
Mesomeplace · 06/09/2019 18:06

Maybe its time for the freedom programme

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 06/09/2019 18:28

Yes, send this disrespectful guy packing immediately,,you have already suffered abuse before. A good man will come your way eventually, I hope.

gowgow · 06/09/2019 18:38

This guy was in the wrong, but think about this :-

"I said no and carried on kissing him"

I hate saying this, but you were sending out mixed messages.

Treenymph · 06/09/2019 18:38

This was assault any man who behaves like this has no respect for women please don't blame yourself you are vulnerable right now takesome time out relax and never let him cross your mind again.

AnneKipanki · 06/09/2019 18:45

There is a difference between kissing and hands being where they are not supposed to be .
OP said no and tried to move his hands but she was not strong enough.

longtimelurkerhelen · 06/09/2019 18:50

As well as doing the Freedom Program you could also try reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can read it for free just google the pdf.

It helps spot abusive behaviour early and should help you avoid the arseholes.

Don't underestimate yourself, you were capable enough to get out of an abusive marriage, that takes a lot of strength and you are also a mother which is the hardest job in the world.

Just set your own boundries and don't be afraid to enforce them.

Flowers
TooTrueToBeGood · 06/09/2019 18:54

I hate saying this, but you were sending out mixed messages

I disagree. No is a very simple word that even toddlers understand. There is nothing mixed about I'm happy to kiss but I don't want you putting your hands there. You're moving very dangerously into victim blaming territory by suggesting she was confusing him. There is nothing remotely confusing about the words no, don't or stop.

GoBrookeYourself · 06/09/2019 18:54

You said no and he didn’t listen. That’s not on and you deserve better.

VladmirsPoutine · 06/09/2019 18:58

@gowgow Report your post and ask for it to be deleted. This is victim blaming. It is shameless. What do you think the word "no" means. Do you think a man buying you dinner and drinks also means he deserves sex at the end of the evening. Shame on you. This is exactly why women get terrified of reporting assault and moreover feel guilty for being assaulted. JFC in 2019!!

HelenUrth · 06/09/2019 19:09

OP, watch the Tea consent video:

@gowgow you really need to watch it too. Get a clue.

AnneKipanki · 06/09/2019 19:23

Love your name Helen
It is a superb video.

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