Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider this lying?

63 replies

LissieJess · 05/09/2019 20:43

NC for this.

Because I do and I want to know if others feel the same or whether I'm on my own with this one.

Dp doesn't actually tell outright lies (as far as I know) and I trust him completely. I think. What he does do is 'lie by omission'. For example: last night we had a heated conversation, I said something and he went totally quiet. For about 30-40 seconds. I asked him if he was still there and he was. The conversation finished shortly after that.

Later, in a text message, I asked why he had just stopped talking. He said "I didn't have anything to say." Fair enough. Can't argue with that. Then tonight he lets on that he stopped talking because he thought I had a 'vicious' (wtf?!) tone of voice and further talking wouldn't help. I consider this to be a lie - I asked what was wrong and he clearly said, 'I just had nothing to say.' He doesn't see that deliberately withholding pieces of key information is lying, when the person is asking you a clear-cut question. Just for the record, if he'd told me what was bothering him, we could have discussed it, I could have apologised if necessary and we could move on.

I ended the conversation shortly after this revelation because it wasn't going to be helpful. But I told him that before we ended it!

I now feel like it's quite possible that I wouldn't get the 100% truth of anything because of him skirting around it, but not actually lying to my face? I feel quite hurt because I am 100% open with him. Even if that means I'm being snappy or just in a bad mood. If he's irritated me and asks me what's wrong, I tell him! It's just this secretive attitude that I find hard to deal with.

Anyway, AIBU??

OP posts:
HollyBollyBooBoo · 05/09/2019 20:44

It's utterly infuriating if nothing else! That would drive me bonkers.

Catalicious · 05/09/2019 20:44

It's a white lie, because he clearly thought he was going to get a bad reaction. I wouldn't consider that to be dishonest - he was just trying to defuse the situation.

Hederex · 05/09/2019 20:47

No, not lying. He knew that if he responded he'd be in a conversation he was starting to find deeply uncomfortable, so, in fact, he did have nothing to say at that point and waited until things were less heated...or that's how I've read your post. If he was sulking, that may be different.

I know as someone who has a less confrontational style of discussion that this can be difficult for a partner who wants to hash it all out, now.

But it feels awful to be harangued into continuing to argue when it is painful and seems pointless.

I can see there is room for a discussion on communication, but saying it's lying isn't helpful.

TheAlternativeTentacle · 05/09/2019 20:48

What was the heated conversation about?

Croquembou · 05/09/2019 20:49

I don't think that really counts as a lie of omission. I think it's quite normal to say something during a heated conversation to end that conversation and then return to it at a later date.

Divebar · 05/09/2019 20:51

Seriously? Has no one ever said to you “ Are you ok?” And you’ve snapped back “ I’m fine” in a snotty voice? He wasn’t lying by omission he was withdrawing because he didn’t want to go in the direction that you were going. I imagine he considered it a diplomatic strategy ( and he did tell you at a later point presumably when he felt it was the right time.) I think people who are proud of their “ tell it how it is “ attitude use it as a cover for rudeness.

ElizaPancakes · 05/09/2019 21:00

I think you considering that a lie by omission is really weird. If he’s doing it all the time then I think you need to consider you’re being more unreasonable than you think.

BlueJava · 05/09/2019 21:04

I think YABU, he was obviously trying to diffuse the situation and not continue the argument. Do you get heated often?

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2019 21:05

I'd say that it sounds like he's treading on eggshells around you.

You really need to take on board that he has the right to end conversations and privacy about how he is feeling.

You aren't in charge, you don't get to dictate everything.

You seem to want to have something on him, so he's on the backfoot. That's not good.

WhatsMyPassword · 05/09/2019 21:11

Then tonight he lets on that he stopped talking because he thought I had a 'vicious' (wtf?!) tone of voice and further talking wouldn't help

He withdrew from a heated agreement because you were getting close to the mark and he was backing away. Is he frightened of you ?

Somerford · 05/09/2019 21:15

It doesn't matter whether you asked him a clear cut question or not, he's entitled to his own thoughts and he doesn't have to share them with you on demand. He isn't a liar for thinking "I'd rather not raise this now and have another argument", there's something a bit off about your post and I'm not sure I can articulate it properly but it isn't good. Just back off and let the man have his own thoughts.

Neverender · 05/09/2019 21:19

He sounds quite sensible imo

Beancounter1 · 05/09/2019 21:19

"You really need to take on board that he has the right to end conversations and privacy about how he is feeling."

THIS. He does not have to tell you how he feels or what he thinks. This is basic privacy and what you might call 'mental/emotional space'. You are wrong to push him, and if he 'lies' as a result it sounds like it is only a normal reaction.

colourlessgreenidea · 05/09/2019 21:19

Then tonight he lets on that he stopped talking because he thought I had a 'vicious' (wtf?!) tone of voice and further talking wouldn't help. I consider this to be a lie - I asked what was wrong and he clearly said, 'I just had nothing to say.' He doesn't see that deliberately withholding pieces of key information is lying, when the person is asking you a clear-cut question. Just for the record, if he'd told me what was bothering him, we could have discussed it, I could have apologised if necessary and we could move on.

In all honesty, I’d have likely said the same thing to you just to get out of the ‘heated discussion’, as you sound like hard work.

TrainspottingWelsh · 05/09/2019 21:19

Exactly what somerford said

bellmadboo · 05/09/2019 21:23

My partner is like this it's because he don't want an argument don't take offence to it. My partner always says he cannot argue with me as when it kicks of mild or heated I don't let him win so he rather say nout

Cheeserton · 05/09/2019 21:32

No, that's not lying. You characterising it as such seems kind of aggressive, to be honest.

Pardonwhat · 05/09/2019 21:35

To be fair I think I’m the exchange his two answers are quite interchangeable.
He thought you sounded vicious, was taken aback and had nothing to say.

sweetiepie1979 · 05/09/2019 21:38

YABU
I think he did the right thing you sound Vicious yes he backed out good on him

tolerable · 05/09/2019 22:08

wow! thats doesnt constitute a lie. its additional information,which he has shared. his method of stopping it continuing was still the same

catflapuk · 05/09/2019 22:15

I do not consider that lying. It is possible that he did not know in the moment what put him off talking. Upon reflection he maybe realised what the reason was. It happens.

Caucho · 05/09/2019 22:16

Wow I can see why he has this attitude. In a heated discussion sometimes ‘lying’ about having nothing to say is the best practical option I’m afraid.

Would it be better to just continue and escalate it? You seem to be the type you enjoys a good argument and he seems to be the opposite. I’m not sure whether I would want to continue if the other had a vicious tone.

Some people will be along soon to say he’s gaslighting and of course it is possible but think his explanation is more likely without knowing the ins and outs. Is it lying? That’s a harsh approach to take and guess why he did.

I’ve often been of the mindset there’s no point in arguing about it now in the circumstances and let’s debate and discuss when it’s calmed down a little

Caucho · 05/09/2019 22:20

You say you could have apologised but seem angry in your post! I’m not deliberately having a go at you. Some people like to have it out and some don’t. Seems like different personality types and am deliberately ignoring other issues about abuse etc unless further info indicates otherwise

LemonAddict · 05/09/2019 22:21

Do you think him telling you that you had a vicious tone of voice, during a heated discussion, would have been in any way productive?

Would you have stopped mid-heated-discussion to consider whether he had a point, or would the conversation have got even more heated?

It sounds like he’s actually a bit scared of you tbh, at the very least walking on eggshells.

Original poster
LissieJess · 05/09/2019 22:22

Ok! So IABU. Thanks for the replies 😊 As for me being hard work - I probably am! I don't like to dwell on things, I'd far rather thrash it out at the time and move on.

To be clear - I absolutely accept his right to end a conversation, I just wish he would be honest at the time. He does it quite a lot. I always feel that I have to ask the specific question, when other people would cover it as part of the normal conversation, if that makes sense??

Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'm overreacting.

Thanks for the head wobble everyone :)

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread