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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider this lying?

63 replies

LissieJess · 05/09/2019 20:43

NC for this.

Because I do and I want to know if others feel the same or whether I'm on my own with this one.

Dp doesn't actually tell outright lies (as far as I know) and I trust him completely. I think. What he does do is 'lie by omission'. For example: last night we had a heated conversation, I said something and he went totally quiet. For about 30-40 seconds. I asked him if he was still there and he was. The conversation finished shortly after that.

Later, in a text message, I asked why he had just stopped talking. He said "I didn't have anything to say." Fair enough. Can't argue with that. Then tonight he lets on that he stopped talking because he thought I had a 'vicious' (wtf?!) tone of voice and further talking wouldn't help. I consider this to be a lie - I asked what was wrong and he clearly said, 'I just had nothing to say.' He doesn't see that deliberately withholding pieces of key information is lying, when the person is asking you a clear-cut question. Just for the record, if he'd told me what was bothering him, we could have discussed it, I could have apologised if necessary and we could move on.

I ended the conversation shortly after this revelation because it wasn't going to be helpful. But I told him that before we ended it!

I now feel like it's quite possible that I wouldn't get the 100% truth of anything because of him skirting around it, but not actually lying to my face? I feel quite hurt because I am 100% open with him. Even if that means I'm being snappy or just in a bad mood. If he's irritated me and asks me what's wrong, I tell him! It's just this secretive attitude that I find hard to deal with.

Anyway, AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
LissieJess · 05/09/2019 22:25

He's not scared of me! He does back away from arguments, whereas I don't.

No - it was in a text message I sent afterwards asking why he'd stopped talking. Direct question.

His response - I didn't have anything to say.

What he later said on the phone - The reason I stopped talking was because you had a vicious tone.

The two are very different.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 05/09/2019 22:26

“DH was getting quite cross, I felt, during a conversation last night so I withdrew. He asked if I was still listening and I said yes I just didn’t have anything to say. Today when it had cooled down I texted him to say I thought he was getting vicious so I just stopped talking. Now he’s really angry and telling me I’m a liar and I’ve lied to him.”

LTB. He sounds abusive. Is he always like this? Are you scared of him?

Caucho · 05/09/2019 22:28

Mind you and rambling now, sometimes entirely passiveness can irritate. I once has someone come to me at work to want to discuss about something in my mind was fairly innocuous but they found offensive. I wouldn’t have minded but they said this 5 days after the conversation! If they’d had said something at the time or even a few hours after I’d like to think we’d have cleared it up quickly but it made me feel very awkward and defensive having to explain what I meant a week later.

Original poster
LissieJess · 05/09/2019 22:29

The text afterwards said "Are you ok? You didn't sound very happy."

Him - "I'm fine!"

Me - "Why were you grumpy and stopped talking then?"

Him "I had nothing to say."

It was a long, abnormal silence. And I feel like he didn't tell me the truth. Whatever it is, I'd rather have it.

OP posts:
0lga · 05/09/2019 22:29

It’s sounds like you have very different communication styles, and that could be a major issue.

How are things apart from this ?

Original poster
LissieJess · 05/09/2019 22:31

CAUCHO - exactly that. If you have a problem with something - FFS deal with it at the time!

OP posts:
Caucho · 05/09/2019 22:37

Where I agree and disagree with you is that I don’t see a problem with removing yourself from the middle of a heated debate but at the same time take issue with sitting on something for a week!

TrainspottingWelsh · 05/09/2019 22:59

From your later posts, if I was your dp I’d feel you were trying to pick an argument, especially as it comes across that you were trying to catch him out. And although I have no problem with having a full on row when needed, I object to being railroaded into having one just to gratify the other person.

I’d also really resent it if I made it clear that I didn’t want to discuss something, and the person then followed it up with a text like yours.

It would also be interesting to know exactly how his real feelings came to light. Was he trying to broach the subject in a tactful way? Or were you rehashing the same thing for the third time?

ShirleyPhallus · 05/09/2019 23:03

You sound very intense, I can’t believe you interrogated him like that

No wonder the poor guy doesn’t tell you his innermost thoughts

1stmonkey · 05/09/2019 23:21

He clearly just wanted to end the conversation and avoid further ear bashing. Can't blame him! And no, it's not lying.

MildThing · 06/09/2019 06:49

Sometimes being spoken to in a vicious tone of voice makes it hard for you to speak.

Especially if you think your answer will invoke more anger / viciousness.

You sound happy with confrontation, maybe he is less so.

Maybe he wanted to de-escalate the heat.

Original poster
LissieJess · 06/09/2019 06:54

I do see that I'm in the wrong here. And yes, our communication styles are very different.

OP posts:
user1474894224 · 06/09/2019 07:15

This could be me and my partner. He will do anything to avoid confrontation,while I on the other hand want to go in head first. We've been together years and now he lets me rant to a point (rather than walking before I start), then when he refuses to engage, I have to accept that. What normally happens is that I calm down and we discuss it later on more rationally.

Bluntness100 · 06/09/2019 07:21

I think accusing him of lying here is too much.far too much and fairly unpleasant behaviour.

Many people would do the same thing, and saying why would just Inflame the situation.

Instead of focusing on what you feel is his wrong doing and how to attack him for it, maybe focus on what he's telling you. You'd got to the level you sounded so vicious he no longer wished to communicate with you.

Thrashing something out or a heated discussion is not going at someone so hard they withdraw.

In this context I'd focus on my own behaviour rather thinking desperately about how else to fuck with him.

Sorrywhat · 06/09/2019 08:34

Did it not cross your mind that maybe he was taken aback by your tone and hence had nothing to say because of it? You sound fairly controlling: wanting him to be 100% honest about every little thing. Sometimes our minds are overcome with emotion that a reasonable, and in your view ‘honest’, response is not thought of until later when processing what had happened.

I think you need to unclench if I’m perfectly honest. You’ve accepted you are in the wrong here so think about your actions in future as in how somebody else may have a different viewpoint to you and that does not necessarily mean something bad.

boymum9 · 06/09/2019 08:39

I think you need to be able to start noticing if he's doing that with bigger more important things, my ex h over our 12 year relationship did this, he never saw anything he did as lying if he just didn't tell me. The day to day things were INFURIATING, but it got to the point where there were bigger things, an emotional affair etc, I still think in his heart of hearts he didn't see if as lying because he was just omitting information....!! Yet since we've split there have been times where I haven't told him certain plans I have (because we're no longer together) and if he finds out he causes a whole drama about me lying to him!

WhatsMyPassword · 06/09/2019 08:39

If the boot were on the other foot, you'd be called one of those controlling men, who always provoke an argument, then always call their partner a liar, tie them up in words and be little them.

What you're actually tring to do is reignite the fight so you can be right

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 06/09/2019 08:49

I think YABU. People do stuff like this all the time to stop an argument. Would you prefer he kept on and made it worse?! He's not lying at all. It's called being a grown up and not making problems worse.

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 06/09/2019 08:49

You do come across as a bit aggressive to be honest ... like you'd rather he told you there and then that he thought you were being aggressive, so presumably you could have continued being aggressive!

ginrummy1 · 06/09/2019 08:59

I think you've accepted that you were BU, but you still sound quite angry about it.

I wouldn't consider what he did as lying, he just decided that he didn't want to continue the conversation. Whatever his reasons, he's entitled to them and to be fair he doesn't need to justify his reason.

steppemum · 06/09/2019 08:59

I agree with pp I'm afraid, YABU.

This wasn't lying by ommission at all.
Not everyone wants to deal with everything in the heat of the moment. Some people need to back away and think.

So he ended the conversation, and when asked, gave a neutral answer.
Then later, presumable in a context where you were both calm and he felt able to express something he found hurtful, he told you you had a viscious voice.

That all seems perfectly normal, and quite sensible from your dh.

You like to deal with everything right then in the heat of the moment. he finds that too much, too in your face, to overwhelming.
In a good relationship, you recognise those differences in each other, and give him some space, and then later when he is ready, he will talk.

But only you know if there is a bigger picture, this may just be a poor example.

Original poster
LissieJess · 06/09/2019 09:12

It is representative of a wider picture. But perhaps I need to look at the way that I tackle things and think more about he feels than I have been doing.

OP posts:
jesuschristwtf · 06/09/2019 09:15

He picked his battle - you obviously sounded very angry and whatever so he was smart and just decided replying would just make you angrier - so didn’t. I would do this too - why bother replying when someone is already so angry, won’t help.

wombat1a · 06/09/2019 09:38

You sound rather like a bully to me and I can see when confronted with you, who sounds rather like you must always be right/have a last word he's learnt there is no point in reasoning with you and it's better just to give in early.

If that is the case then I think you have some serious thinking to do about how you treat him.

NeatFreakMama · 06/09/2019 10:32

I know for myself I'd get really defensive and quiet if someone was talking to me in a tone I didn't like because I don't see it as being part of a healthy conversation. The undertone in what you're saying is that he needs to tell you every thought he has and I'd find that really controlling and it would make me leas inclined to say anything.

Ultimately he didn't have anything to say because you were being agressive in your tone. I'm not having a go but just so you see my perspective would be the same and I'm a woman in case you're thinking it's a guy thing.