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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider this lying?

63 replies

LissieJess · 05/09/2019 20:43

NC for this.

Because I do and I want to know if others feel the same or whether I'm on my own with this one.

Dp doesn't actually tell outright lies (as far as I know) and I trust him completely. I think. What he does do is 'lie by omission'. For example: last night we had a heated conversation, I said something and he went totally quiet. For about 30-40 seconds. I asked him if he was still there and he was. The conversation finished shortly after that.

Later, in a text message, I asked why he had just stopped talking. He said "I didn't have anything to say." Fair enough. Can't argue with that. Then tonight he lets on that he stopped talking because he thought I had a 'vicious' (wtf?!) tone of voice and further talking wouldn't help. I consider this to be a lie - I asked what was wrong and he clearly said, 'I just had nothing to say.' He doesn't see that deliberately withholding pieces of key information is lying, when the person is asking you a clear-cut question. Just for the record, if he'd told me what was bothering him, we could have discussed it, I could have apologised if necessary and we could move on.

I ended the conversation shortly after this revelation because it wasn't going to be helpful. But I told him that before we ended it!

I now feel like it's quite possible that I wouldn't get the 100% truth of anything because of him skirting around it, but not actually lying to my face? I feel quite hurt because I am 100% open with him. Even if that means I'm being snappy or just in a bad mood. If he's irritated me and asks me what's wrong, I tell him! It's just this secretive attitude that I find hard to deal with.

Anyway, AIBU??

OP posts:

Fallofrain · 06/09/2019 10:43

This is sometimes the difficulty with text communication, the way you have written here in regards to him comes across as confrontational and if i was him i would feel you were trying to pick a fight.

73Sunglasslover · 06/09/2019 18:54

That's not a lie and I think you need to give him a break in all honesty. I think you probably were talking in a vicious tone of voice and to expect the hurt associated with that to be mopped up in a quick apology is not very realistic. I wonder why him not sharing all of his own thoughts is so challenging for you?

73Sunglasslover · 06/09/2019 18:56

*His response - I didn't have anything to say.

What he later said on the phone - The reason I stopped talking was because you had a vicious tone.

The two are very different.*

I don't see them as different. "I didn't have anything to say" doesn't mean I had no thoughts and feelings. Most of us think a lot more than we say. I really think you are reading things into this that don't really exist.

Butchyrestingface · 06/09/2019 19:11

YABU. You sound a bit controlling and aggressive to me.

He might very well have had nothing to say, because you sounded unpleasant to him. The two things are not mutually exclusive.

LemonPrism · 06/09/2019 20:55

Withholding information such as where someone was or that something happened is a lie.

Not telling you straight away how he felt is frankly his own prerogative and is not a lie.

dollydaydream114 · 06/09/2019 21:44

YABU and you sound like bloody hard work. You're massively overreacting and over-analysing and seem to desperate to start another row with him over nothing.

He was exercising a bit of restraint and trying not to escalate an argument which was getting nasty, which is the sensible and mature thing to do. He wasn't 'lying by omission'. I suspect he finds your approach to confrontation quite exhausting and is walking on eggshells.

CSIblonde · 06/09/2019 22:06

Going silent because you don't want a heated discussion to escalate isn't a lie or omission. It's a time out to calm down tactic that's all. The fact that it's infuriated you & you are picking apart every sentence is what I don't get. You can't dictate how he communicates. Unless you're one of those people who love to argue & thrive on the huge highs & lows of constant arguements (my ex thought constant arguing was fine , but I just found it exhausting & proof we weren't compatible).

gilliansgardenbench · 06/09/2019 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCanyon · 06/09/2019 22:35

How is it lying? You were being a dick and he tried to avoid it... and you carried it on. Your vicious tones not relevant though eh? Nah course not, on here all men are grade a cunts eh? Yabu and you should know it.

Feelingstupid123456789101112 · 06/09/2019 22:53

He sounds scared of you.

BraveGoldie · 06/09/2019 23:33

Op,
thinking about how you contribute to your communication dynamics is really important.

While you say you want openness, it sounds to me like your husband has learned he will pay a price if he is open - and that makes it safer to say nothing. It sounds like he was paying a price with your 'vicious' tone of voice in the original argument. And now, when he has shared his feelings with you about your tone of voice and feeling unable to speak, you are now attacking him for how/when he shared this information instead of actually hearing him and the concern he is talking about.

So you are frustrated that he shuts down, but so suspect your behavior is at least partly causing that.....

Original poster

LissieJess · 07/09/2019 17:24

Thanks for all the responses. I've read and considered every one. And then I rang him and apologised and said that I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. Luckily for me, he's very laid back and forgiving!

OP posts:

BraveGoldie · 07/09/2019 18:40

Good for you! Thanks for the update!

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