To be massively fucked off with my mother and my dead dog?

[hairychinsrus]

I've never had a good relationship with my mother. After a lot of therapy I've discovered that the issue is that she is a narcissist and out side of a therapist view a lazy cow.
Never hugged or felt loved as a child, her favourite sayings were "oh you will grow out of it" to basically any problem or issue. I learnt to never disclose anything to her as either it would be dismissed or used somehow against me. You cant critique her as she has the emotional intelligence of a toddler and screams at you or goes off in a huff
Final straw this week is we had our darling 15 year old dog pts which although kind of expected still awful. I told her and no oh I'm sorry or any words really of sympathy apart from she had a good life. She then went on to say "it's one less for you to worry about" (we have 3 other dogs)
I'm just so completely fucked off with her and wish she would fuck off. I don't feel like she's ever been a mother to me and I look forward to the day she's no longer in my life
Sorry for the rant but it's just really hit me how awful she is

Sorry about your dog, it was insensitive about the ones less to feed, but she had a good life I guess is half sympathetic?

Why do you bother contacting her? Do you do all that or does she contact you? Would she complain if you didn't?

I think your are over reacting because of the past history and upset about your dog. Completely understandable in the circumstances though. I don't think this is really about your Mum, you just need an outlet for your upset.

She sounds just like my mother. We are nc after she upset my dc on a special day, I’ve since been diagnosed with bipolar, and from what I’ve said my psychiatrist believes she is undiagnosed. Nothing to add, except I know how you feel, and I’m so so sorry about your dog, I’ve lost my two and I still shed a tear 5 years on.

Why do you still have contact with her?

My narcissistic mum died in March and I wish I had cut contact with her years before. I am going to be unpicking the mental damage for the rest of my life.

I don't think she would actually be bothered if we didn't contact her. However we live very close to her and my dad so it's harder to not have any contact. Most of the time I can kind of inwardly roll my eyes but this really got to me. I know most people will be devastated when their mother dies but I think I will mourn for what could of been and then feel relief

Ime some people shouldn't have dc. Me and my dc were mid massive crisis and dm told me I was cruel for only having one goldfish and how could I sleep nights....
We have been nc for many years..
Better than therapy also ime....
Sorry about ddog. We also have 4 and wouldn't appreciate her sort of comment either.

I wouldn't have rang her at all. My mother is the same. I see her once a month but always with my da as she is nicer when he is around. I know it hurts though but unfortunalaty this is life. You will need to learn to rise above it and not let it get to you, counselling does help with this. You have a good life and family with your dogs, enjoy it as you know yourself you are a much better person than she is. When mine finally dies i will also feel relief.

So sorry re your dog. From experience, don't expect anything & you'll never get disappointed. NC really can be a blessing & a relief.

sorry to hear about your dog you must miss her. My mum was narcissistic too she passed away a while ago after about 10 years of having dementia. I was no contact for a while, but saw her again once she was in a care home. I do feel some regret that i missed out on a good relationship with her, but i know that realistically she couldn't be any different and there was nothing i could have done to change it. Life is to short, you should concentrate on your own life and the people that deserve your time and attention. If i had the time back i would have had less contact with her. People like that are incapable of normal empathy and in my opinion it's a waste of time trying to make them understand.

My mother is very similar, definitely NPD.

I have been NC for years now.

It's total bliss.

Don't talk such shit, Doomsday.

OP, no real advice except solidarity - I have a narc mother as well, and a lot of what you wrote about yours rings true.

It was just a dog. I think you’re a bit narcissistic moaning not about the death of an animal

What a vile thing to say, DoomsdayCult. I don’t think you’re in any position to accuse others of attention-seeking. Are you the OP’s mum?

DoomsdayCult you are wrong on so many levels, I hardly know where to begin.

Doomsday Cult that's a bit unnecessary.
Sorry about your dog OP. 15 is a good age to get to. You must have been really close to her
Your DM being unsympathetic is her problem. If she's always like this I would cut down visits at least.

@Doomsday Ah, the the mother found the thread. Aren't you a peach...

It was just a dog

Fuck off, Doomsday.

OP - I've had to have dogs PTS in the past and you never get used to it, even though you know it is the only thing you can do to save your darling pet from suffering.

Your mother sounds emotionally very cold - it may not be her fault, but it still hurts. Try not to brood on her response. Just comfort each other and your other dogs - they will be missing their companion and will not know what has happened and why s/he has suddenly disappeared. They will probably seek the other one for a long time, and perhaps even rush up to dogs that they see in the distance which look like him/her.

They'll need your love and comfort. Concentrate on them, and let your mother's reaction just wash over you.

@DoomsdayCult
Off you fuck to some other thread, what a heartless thing to say.

Sounds like my mum but I wouldn't have reacted badly as I expect nothing less from her. She just thinks that way and thinks anything that takes away from her is a waste of time. She also doesn't understand love/empathy so wouldn't understand how you could be upset. Sure have you less to worry about now? I understand you are annoyed but this is how she thinks and will never change. If you lower expectations it will work in your favour. you will get sick if you get upset by her behaviour so introduce boundaries/lc or nc. Sorry. Its not easy and sorry to hear about your dog.

Sorry about your dog

She sounds like my DM too so you have my sympathy. I don't have many words of advice (and have never had the courage to go nc but very tempted) except I hope you have some nice people around you to give you actual comfort. A narcissist will never be able to because your loss is not all about them.

Doomsdaycunt, piss off.
Yanbu op. I'm sorry about your dog it's heart-breaking when they die. My mother is like that- my last dog was run over by an ambulance and for ages after if she saw or heard an ambulance, my mother would say "Oh I bet that's the one that killed Vampires dog" and laugh.

It was just a dog.

How crass 😠😠

It was just a dog

OMFG!

You're mistake was looking to her for empathy. You won't get it, so every time you seek it you're going to be hurt. I know this because my mum is the same. I rang her seeking comfort when the midwife couldn't find my baby's heartbeat at 36 weeks. All I got was 'Oh no. I was at the doctor's earlier this week too ... cue ten minutes of every minor ailment in existence ... got to go now Beryl the neighbour has just popped round for coffee.' and then she put the phone down on me.

I'm no contact with her now as I finally reached then end of my tether and it is so much better. I should have done it years ago.