To be massively fucked off with my mother and my dead dog?

[hairychinsrus]

I've never had a good relationship with my mother. After a lot of therapy I've discovered that the issue is that she is a narcissist and out side of a therapist view a lazy cow.
Never hugged or felt loved as a child, her favourite sayings were "oh you will grow out of it" to basically any problem or issue. I learnt to never disclose anything to her as either it would be dismissed or used somehow against me. You cant critique her as she has the emotional intelligence of a toddler and screams at you or goes off in a huff
Final straw this week is we had our darling 15 year old dog pts which although kind of expected still awful. I told her and no oh I'm sorry or any words really of sympathy apart from she had a good life. She then went on to say "it's one less for you to worry about" (we have 3 other dogs)
I'm just so completely fucked off with her and wish she would fuck off. I don't feel like she's ever been a mother to me and I look forward to the day she's no longer in my life
Sorry for the rant but it's just really hit me how awful she is

Thank you all for listening to my ranting, well all except DoomsdayCult who can fuck off to the far side of fuck off and when you get there fuck off some more
I'm glad but not glad that others have similar mothers. I guess you just become used to it and then situations like this just highlight how weird they are

*Your mistake

OP that is exactly the kind of thing my mum would say. No empathy, no emotional intelligence and a dislike for animals. I'm sorry about your dog and sorry you have a mum like that.

Sorry about your dog OP. It’s bloody devastating losing a dog. Make sure the other three get extra cuddles, and one from me too.

My mum is also difficult. Everything anyone else has she has worse, any tragedy for someone else is worse for her because...

I went blind, actually blind, and all my mother could say was, in an exasperated voice, ‘oh, I do know what it’s like, you don’t need to tell me. last year the optition told me I had to wear my glasses while driving.’

We’re pretty LC now, which is at least easier to deal with.

Doomsday Cult will be extremely happy now. That sort thrive on attention, good or bad.

But did you really expect your mother to change? If she never had a good word to say before, she will hardly change now. Sorry about your doggy.

Funnily enough, the death of my 15 year old dog was the last straw for me with my mum too, so you have my sympathies OP. It's quite staggering how cold they can be sometimes isn't it?

You are bound to feel upset about your beloved dog. Sorry to say it OP but your Mum sounds toxic. I would cut her out of my life if she is so insensitive and concentrate on those who care about you, and your other dogs of course.

Oh, I understand as well, when I was very ill my mum accused me of being a drug addict! Talk about lack of empathy. We are NC now, not letting her affect my DC how she did me. Kind thoughts

I'm so sorry about the death of your dog OP.

They are part of the family and it is so hard when they have to be PTS.

Your mum doesn't sound empathetic at all. Just one more thing to add to the list.

Sorry for the loss of your lovely dog op .
[Awful thing to say Doomsday as you well know! A dog is a member of the family!]

Sorry to veer off topic, but I am often surprised at all the posts on Mumsnet about narcissistic mothers. (This is not aimed at you specifically op as of course some mothers are hideous.) I do wonder if nowadays we judge mothers by almost impossible standards. Mothers are not all maternal goddesses. And mothers of a different generation to us are perhaps not as outwardly demonstrative, sympathetic and tactile simply because that was the way then! Benign neglect was often the order of the day. I wonder if we will be judged so harshly by our DC?

Again op, this is not aimed at you. I am sorry you found your mother unsympathetic. Like a pp said, this is about a lot more than the dog (important though she was). It sounds as though her comments were the last straw

I'm so sorry about your dear dog.

Unfortunately, even some people who aren't narcs just don't get how a dog twines itself around your heart. And some people have no idea how to respond to a loss of any kind.

As far as your mum, I'm not faulting you for telling her and hoping for some sympathy, but you did say "I learnt to never disclose anything to her as either it would be dismissed...". So in a way, maybe just subconsciously, you knew what to expect. I hope this IS the last straw for you and you do cut her out of your life. Life is too short and can be too beautiful to allow such negativity into it. Cherish only those who cherish you.

Am sorry you had that thoughtless comment to deal with, especially while so very raw. I understand the type of mother you're dealing with and totally agree, you'll mourn what could have been.

Meantime, give yourself some love and remind yourself that you have the capacity to care and love for other people and animals.
x

You need to find a way forward which involves sharing nothing that matters to you, if you are going to have any contact. My mother is exactly like this, loves to find you hurting and twist the knife further.

I’m so sorry about your dog, it’s never long enough, however long we’ve had them. I lost my little dog 6 years ago, have been NC with my mother for 2.
I still miss my dog daily, unlike my mother, who I do not miss one little bit. Hug your other dogs, they are the best.

ImNotYourGranny That’s an awful thing for your mother to say. Some people are just unbelievable. I do hope your story had a happy ending. 💐
OP I’m so sorry about your dog, it’s so hard isn’t it? When people have felt unloved as a child it’s no surprise that they turn to dogs to give them that unconditional love. At least you can be sure that your beloved dog loved you very much, as you did her. 🌈

Your mum and my mum could bond over making children feel bad, although probably not as they'd have to listen to someone else to do that. I am now NC. It doesn't always feel good. But she doesn't get to make me feel any new hurt now.

I went blind, actually blind, and all my mother could say was, in an exasperated voice, ‘oh, I do know what it’s like, you don’t need to tell me. last year the optition told me I had to wear my glasses while driving.’

Oh my god. Mine has done some ridiculous competing for “most afflicted”, but this is spectacular.

That’s an awful thing for your mother to say. Some people are just unbelievable. I do hope your story had a happy ending.

Thankfully the consultant found the heartbeat as even the midwives at the hospital couldn't find it. Very scary times. DS is now 6.

Eeyore I'm not sure the narcissistic mothers on MN mentioned are all certifiably narcissistic, but I do think there is a generation of mums out there who brought kids up in a much less child-centric, child-friendly environment than it is now (ie anything before the mid 80s maybe when Childline started?!) and they were used to doing and saying what they wanted and never being questioned really. Their authority, actions etc were comfortably never in question and it's a habit that lasts.

The generation of current parents of children are all far more aware of how other people parent, there's more help/information/sharing of advice and experience (including this forum!) than our parents' generation had access to. Also shouting, smacking, humiliating etc more unacceptable and likely to be called out by passersby or strangers than it was, so people are more aware of how their parenting looks to others. Unlike our parents' generation who would pretty much do as they saw fit unhampered, and go with their feelings/tempers/way the wind was blowing. They just said what they felt and weren't used to sweetening it for any reason as it's only a child and they weren't really considered as that important to gain the respect of. Respect was expected, not earned in those days.

I have a mother like this. I understand why you went to her looking for words of comfort. Unfortunately she is incapable. I have had a lot of therapy. Before this therapy my dog died and she was the same. No words from her, my stepfather or fil and I was just expected to go on as if nothing had happened one Christmas hosting at mine days after he was pts.

I still even now cry and yearn for the mothering I didn’t get. From my therapy I learnt I got love of sorts and care very very young. But she couldn’t handle me not reacting as an alive baby doll so it stopped once I got a personality of my own. I pinpointed this to around 5 months.

I am sorry you are suffering. Ironically after my therapy and now that I have better boundaries with her when my last dog died, she said she was really sorry. This time I didn’t go to her for emotional support. I told her for information because I had changed the dynamic between us.

She just cannot support me emotionally. She doesn’t have the capacity. It sounds as though yours doesn’t either.

Does anyone know how I can move this to relationships and stick it under the stately home thread?
You've all been so supportive and truly thank you all for your kind words. For everyone who has a shit mother I salute you and really hope that you become the mother that yours just cannot be

Click on report on the top bar of your opening post, click on report for other reasons and write in the box asking for it to be moved.

Stop contacting her - see what happens

If she doesn’t notice or contact you, result.

What will the last straw be live?

Love not live

Very interesting post BirthdayDreamer. Yes I am sure the sharing of parenting information on-line and on forums such as this has been a huge help to our generation of parents. Before that was available, I think people tended to default to the style by which they had been parented themselves without much questioning as to whether it was acceptable or not.

Another factor in this I think is that as DC, we forget a lot of our very early childhood experiences but tend to remember adolescence - the years of conflict - much more clearly. That is not to undermine anyone on here who has suffered through having a truly awful parent of course!

I'd just block anyone who said that to me right out of my life. 'joke' or not its crass. Family does not give you that right