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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fed up with travelling to visit family

57 replies

SpikeLeesLeftKnee · 05/09/2019 15:12

DS is 18 months. DP and I live in another part of the country from my family. I’ve lived here 10 years.

Since DS was born I’ve been travelling up and down the country to visit my side of the family; sometimes with DP and sometimes without. I’ve been about 12 times in 18 months staying for between a few days and a couple of weeks at a time. I’m going because I miss them and I want DS to know that side of his family but it’s a five hour train journey and it’s long, and starting to feel even longer doing it solo with a toddler.

I’m taking DS up soon for 3 days for my niece’s birthday. All three of us will be going for 2 weeks at Christmas too. I told my mum that I was coming up for niece’s birthday because I wouldn’t be coming up for nephew’s early next year. My mum said she thought I was being unfair to his mum (my sister) by not coming up. Nephew’s birthday is 2 days after DS’s. I don’t want to plan DSs birthday celebrations around travelling for my nephew’s birthday.

My parents came to visit a few times after DS was born but after that didn’t visit until summer a year later. Not one of my siblings has visited. I don’t mind this, I know people have busy lives but I’m starting to find the expectation of me bringing DS up to visit is beginning to grate and if I’m being honest, I’m starting to feel a bit resentful. I’m working full time, I’m tired and I've used the majority of my annual leave travelling back home so we can see everyone. I don't know if we would see anyone if I wasn't doing this.

I don’t know what my AIBU is; I think I’m just ranting because I’m tired of feeling guilty if I don’t visit and equally tired of feeling like I’m arranging our lives around our next travelling session.

OP posts:

Purpleartichoke · 05/09/2019 15:20

I try to visit my family once a year. For all
Who are well enough to travel, I also expect them to reciprocate. admittedly, even our closest relative is a longer trip away than yours, but even with the shorter distance, your schedule is ridiculous.

Windydaysuponus · 05/09/2019 15:23

Imo yanbu to skip birthday visits and just go for Christmas. There is some cheeky fuckery going on if it's you always travelling...
As a toddler my ds got travel sickness.

Just an idea....

HugoSpritz · 05/09/2019 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmeraldShamrock · 05/09/2019 15:26

Has your DM ever done the journey by train.
It is a lot with a toddler.
Did they all travel to you for your DC 1st birthday.
People has no idea of distance and effort plus travel costs, put your foot down.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/09/2019 15:27

That would be a twice a year trip for me, I can't believe you have travelled that often since your child was born!! As it is your family have no incentive to come and see you because you are there that often, and now they have an expectation you'll travel for every family event.

AmIThough · 05/09/2019 15:30

YANBU! Why do you have to travel to your nephew for his birthday is your sister isn't travelling to you? Your mom is unreasonable!

I'd reduce the visits, a lot. It's unfortunate but if people want to be involved in your sons life they have to make some effort too!

Ginfordinner · 05/09/2019 15:33

I feel your pain. We always travel to visit OH's family because they won't travel to see us. We do it on our terms though.

BlueJava · 05/09/2019 15:33

As PP I'd also reduce the visits to a couple every 12 months. You've moved away from home, DS needs to make local friends. I know family is important but it works both ways! If they don't come to you why are you travelling up to them all the time? We are also remote from family, twice a year, maximum and never at Xmas or Easter!

Minai · 05/09/2019 15:34

Yanbu. I am 200 miles from my family and I have visited maybe 4 times since ds1 was born 2 years ago. It’s just a nightmare journey and now we have ds2 it’s worse. My mum visits every 6-8 weeks and other family come maybe 1-2 times a year. I miss them but I just can’t travel that much with small children

DungeonDweller · 05/09/2019 15:43

That is a crazy, unsustainable amount of running around you're doing in terms of time & distance & expense with a toddler... not to mention using up all your annual leave. What happens when you need rest and time together as a family unit, just you? You don't have anything left.

Frankly, your family has been indulged long enough. It's more than most families could expect - normally, work patterns or money would make this situation go away (it simply wouldn't be possible for me to go what you've been doing, even if I really wanted to)... It's time for your family to step up.

And it's shocking that they've let you do this for so long really.

Skittlenommer · 05/09/2019 15:46

Stop visiting!

kateandme · 05/09/2019 15:57

do you feel ableto have this convo with your mum.just let her know what you have us.its not horrible what you've said here hun.its perfectly reasonable.do you haev this type of relationship with your mum to talk about that.
"i see what your aying there mum.but im finding this hard.im always doing the traveling and im getting so tired.and wonder why knowone comes to me,and why its different?i love you all so much so want to be with you but im finding it harder and harder???

Chamomileteaplease · 05/09/2019 15:58

Why would you do this??

Cut it down to what you actually want to do and can manage.

You have now got your family's expectations up - hence the ridiculous idea of you going to your nephew's birthday celebrations so soon after your own child's birthday.

You need to cut back hugely and let them get used to the new deal.

If you want to and only if you want to, you can invite them to yours and then they can't complain about not seeing you.

BeyondSea · 05/09/2019 16:07

That sounds far too much - I know it's not the same, but would they Skype? That way you're still getting 'face time' without having to do all the travelling.
We're about 300 miles away from my family, and we've just decided to drop down to twice a year because visits are never reciprocated and it was making us all tired and cranky.
Your family should accept that it's a difficult journey - particularly with a toddler to entertain the whole way!

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 05/09/2019 16:10

Yanbu. Invite them down. Do 2 visits a year. 1 x summer and 1 x christmas(but not necessarily for xmas if that doesnt suit)

NabooThatsWho · 05/09/2019 16:11

If it is too stressful then simply stop doing it.
Your mum will try and make you feel guilty but just ignore that. She’s not the one looking after a toddler on a 5 hour train journey (how the hell do you manage that btw?!).
Set your boundaries and stick to them, no guilt. You are an adult now and can choose what does and doesn’t work for you.

ChangeItChild · 05/09/2019 16:14

I think it's reasonable to start visiting a bit less, you have set a precedent now by visiting so much and they expect it to continue, I would gently ease off the visits, explaining each time why it is difficult.

Have you properly invited your siblings to visit, maybe they don't feel like they could just invite themselves?

If you had a second child, it would be near impossible to manage frequent 5 hour journeys alone with a toddler & baby, so your second child would not be as close to your family as your eldest, so again, setting a precedent is a little unfair to any future children (sorry, I've no idea if you plan to have another)

SunniDay · 05/09/2019 16:16

Invite your nephew and family over for your sons birthday and plan to do something nice for nephew’s birthday while they are over.

TequilaMockingbird0 · 05/09/2019 16:18

That's so much travelling! We live 3.5 hours from my inlaws and go up once a year, sometimes twice. The DC hate car journeys so it's not fun at all getting there.
I wouldn't even consider making such a long journey for a niece or nephews birthday!

HJWT · 05/09/2019 16:21

We visit SIL once a year and meet half way once a year, I think that is more than enough xx

Butterymuffin · 05/09/2019 16:22

They've come to expect you to do all the work now. You'll have to break that. Tell your mum that instead you will invite her and your sister and nephew etc down to see you just after his birthday and then they can all be present for your DS's birthday. I would bet on her saying that won't be on, but you can then reasonably point out that you always do the travelling so this time it's their turn.

TerrorAustralis · 05/09/2019 16:22

I've lived away from my home city more than half of my adult life. Some of that has been within the same country and some abroad.

I used to get upset that nobody visited. What really hurt was my mum spending two days with me, then a week with my brother (in another city). These days I try to let it go.

The other side of the coin is, you were the one who moved away. I don't think this excuses the expectation that you are always the one to visit and nobody reciprocates, but it might go some way to explain your family's expectations.

Now, we visit when it suits us, or when there's a family emergency. We haven't been back for Christmas in years, but that's another story.

Troels · 05/09/2019 16:26

How many of them came for your Ds's 1st birthday?
This is all becoming very one sided.
If anyone tries to make you feel guilty for not going to them. Make sure to mention that the trains run in both directions should they want to visit you.

Loopytiles · 05/09/2019 16:32

That is way, way too much travel IMO. costly in money, time and energy. Assume you’re a SAHM. Probably won’t be sustainable once DC starts school.

And it’s not reciprocated.

I live hundreds of miles away from my family (we have good relationships) and have a disabled parent who can’t travel, I go around three times a year, and my sibling visits once or twice a year with their family.

picklemepopcorn · 05/09/2019 16:37

Bear in mind that you moved away, and that when you go back you see several sets of people, whereas when they come to you they only see one set, IYSWIM. When I visit my parents, I catch up with my aunts, my sis, my bro,and my grandparents. When they come to us, there's only us!

However, what you are doing is unsustainable, financially as well as time and energy. Start planning what works for you- Christmas, Easter and summer holiday for example.

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