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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fed up with travelling to visit family

57 replies

SpikeLeesLeftKnee · 05/09/2019 15:12

DS is 18 months. DP and I live in another part of the country from my family. I’ve lived here 10 years.

Since DS was born I’ve been travelling up and down the country to visit my side of the family; sometimes with DP and sometimes without. I’ve been about 12 times in 18 months staying for between a few days and a couple of weeks at a time. I’m going because I miss them and I want DS to know that side of his family but it’s a five hour train journey and it’s long, and starting to feel even longer doing it solo with a toddler.

I’m taking DS up soon for 3 days for my niece’s birthday. All three of us will be going for 2 weeks at Christmas too. I told my mum that I was coming up for niece’s birthday because I wouldn’t be coming up for nephew’s early next year. My mum said she thought I was being unfair to his mum (my sister) by not coming up. Nephew’s birthday is 2 days after DS’s. I don’t want to plan DSs birthday celebrations around travelling for my nephew’s birthday.

My parents came to visit a few times after DS was born but after that didn’t visit until summer a year later. Not one of my siblings has visited. I don’t mind this, I know people have busy lives but I’m starting to find the expectation of me bringing DS up to visit is beginning to grate and if I’m being honest, I’m starting to feel a bit resentful. I’m working full time, I’m tired and I've used the majority of my annual leave travelling back home so we can see everyone. I don't know if we would see anyone if I wasn't doing this.

I don’t know what my AIBU is; I think I’m just ranting because I’m tired of feeling guilty if I don’t visit and equally tired of feeling like I’m arranging our lives around our next travelling session.

OP posts:

ILearnedItFromABook · 05/09/2019 16:37

Definitely cut back on the travel. Let them know you're open to hosting them (when you are), and make use of Skype, FaceTime, etc. It's not the same, but it's better than nothing! Once your son is a bit older, talking regularly to family over some type of video chat can keep them more closely connected between visits.

mumofbun · 05/09/2019 16:42

oh lots of messages but i wanted to say that i grew up with family far away - my dad's parents and siblings in one place and my mum's in another. We went to see them once a year, maybe twice some years. My grandparents came to us a few times. The only time i ever remember going to a cousins birthday was her 30th when we were all grown up so no toddler on a train situation.

Unfortunately, living away from family, this is the sort of thing you have to sacrifice. It's not realistic for you to travel for neice and nephew's birthdays (and parent's and sister)? How about every second time you would normally go see them you invite them to you. If they don't come then you've tried to arrange something.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/09/2019 16:43

I don't understand how she can justify it being unfair of you not to come for your nephews birthday but it's fine for your sister not to go for her nephews....or ever for that matter

Shoxfordian · 05/09/2019 16:45

Do they come and see you though?

dinosaurtin · 05/09/2019 16:47

YANBU we live away from both our families. The kids have recognised family members from FaceTime from a young age. We do travel for important events but this doesn’t include every DN/N birthday. For the first time this year I said we were going to stay at home for Xmas as packing the car is awful and actually I just want to be at home. Non of the family mind, some of them are visiting us instead. Just tell them how you feel and what you will be doing.

Mammylamb · 05/09/2019 16:55

I actually thought that I had written this a couple of years ago!!!

I’ve lived where I am for 16 years. With my mum, pre DS, I visited her more often. Since then she visits me more. My young brother visits 2/3 times a year. Which is fine. My dad has visited less than a handful of times, (arranging to come up and then cancelling at the time he is supposed to arrive is his specialty). My older brother and sister have never visited me. In 16 years.

Since having DS I only travel down to visit 3/4 times a year, staying at my mums. We always arrange to meet my little brother and his family. But rarely my dad or older siblings. If they can’t be arsed, then neither can I

KingKillerKvothe · 05/09/2019 17:30

My situation is similar. My train journey is a little shorter, 3ish hours. 2/3 changes. I used to do it all the time before I had my DS. then still quite regularly once I had him 8 years ago. But then I went back to work when he was about 3, and then he started school so I didn't do it so often. Now I've got an almost 2 year old and I've been back twice. I find it annoying because they are always on at me for not visiting enough. How I always miss birthdays etc. But they hardly ever come see me. My mum does every couple of months or so, but my younger siblings only do if my mum gives them a lift. And my older sister has been one time since my DD was born.

It is actually quite stressful going on public transport with two children. With all the luggage that requires. And they always make snid comments about my DP having a car and could drive me. But he doesn't like doing the drive (I can't drive, don't need to. Don't care)

I made the decision a long time ago that I couldn't be bothered anymore. They would always say 'you're the one that moved away' yeah, I did. But that was 12 years ago now. This is my home. I was actually speaking about this to dp the other day. How if I went to all their birthdays etc I'd be back at least once a month. And I just can't afford that. ESP as it's apparently too much bother for them to visit once or twice a heat for their niece and nephew. But whatevs.

You've done more than enough travelling and if they can't be arsed to come to you once in a while, and try and guilt you for missing one birthday, then they are pretty selfish.

(I feel I have waffled)

TinklyLittleLaugh · 05/09/2019 17:42

I live four hours from my family. As the years have gone on, visits have declined; I go once, maybe twice a year now. My mum comes up about every two years. No one comes for birthdays or Christmas.

What really cheeses me off is that my family are always off somewhere but never come to me. It really pisses me off to be honest. My eldest lives four hours away and we see him at least once a month.

Daddylonglegs1965 · 05/09/2019 17:52

This is too much.
Try FT phone calls, maybe meeting up for a weekend half way between so you minimise your travelling time, inviting them obviously not all at once if you have space.

MinnieMountain · 05/09/2019 18:29

I live 4 hours from DM and 6 from DF.
My visits have gone down to twice a year due to DS being at school and me working.
DM tries to vist but normally cancels (I think she's agoraphobic). DF never visits. They're both retired, so it's up to them really.
FIL manages to visit from Spain 5 times a year.

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/09/2019 18:38

A cautionary tale.

My friend moved here (with her ASD DD) some 300 miles away from her parents. She has visited them (by train, with DD) every year, two or three times a year. They have visited her twice. In over twenty years. Parents are now too old to make the trip but INSIST that she still does it three (or more) times a year. DD (who is not welcome at their home, due to disruption) now has virtually no contact with GPs.

As a PP said - it's the same distance in both directions. Get your stall laid out now, before expectations are set in stone, otherwise you'll find yourself travelling with a school age DC on a packed train, while they all sit at home and wait for your arrival.

TabbyMumz · 05/09/2019 18:57

Who moved away?

MinnieMountain · 05/09/2019 19:23

Presumably OP TabbyMumz.

Drum2018 · 05/09/2019 19:34

I have never travelled specifically for a niece/nephews birthday. If there happened to be a birthday when i planned to travel then it was a bonus. I have never expected family to come and celebrate my kids birthdays because i think it is ridiculous to expect people to travel the 2 hours it would take them just to see kids blow out a few candles.

You really need to stop feeling guilty about visiting so often. 12 times in 18 months is a bit excessive for such a long journey. I'd be cutting way back and I'd invite them to visit you if it suits you. If they decline then don't go running to visit them as they will see that you will drop all and they won't have to make an effort. There really is no obligation to visit. There are so many methods of communicating so it's not as if you're missing out on any big news if you don't go home so often.

TabbyMumz · 05/09/2019 19:40

That's what I was thinking....in which case, the onus is on the op to do the travelling.

Loopytiles · 05/09/2019 19:42

OP having moved away isn’t exactly unusual and doesn’t mean she should do the legwork.

TartanCurtains1 · 05/09/2019 20:32

That's a visit about every 6 weeks which does seem an awful lot. My family are only about 2 hours away and we don't see them that much even.

You could meet halfway somewhere for a weekend?

TabbyMumz · 06/09/2019 07:25

Loopytiles

OP having moved away isn’t exactly unusual and doesn’t mean she should do the legwork.

It does....it really does. Nice for family to visit her too, but ultimately, she moved.

Aannnaa · 06/09/2019 07:53

Moving away can be hard. I moved literally to the other side of the country when I was 17 - visiting was tough - I as a student with no money and my folks weren't rich and had caring responsibilities - long story is that I didn't get to see my family as much as I would have liked but in all I travelled more because I was the one who moved away

HiJenny35 · 06/09/2019 07:55

You chose to move away from the family, it wasn't them, you can't now expect them to be traveling up and down to see you at their expense, it should be you.

SallyWD · 06/09/2019 07:56

I also live a 5 hour train journey from my family. I've been three times this year and they've visited me twice. I thought we were doing well but 12 times in 18 months! Wow. I can see why it's tiring. Can't you go less often and ask them to visit more?

ShirleyPhallus · 06/09/2019 07:56

Interesting people are saying YANBU to not want to travel and family should put more effort in, when on the wedding threads anyone who has moved away gets the “they moved, they should travel” judgement

MinnieMountain · 06/09/2019 08:23

It really does not. People move for all sorts of reasons. In my case it was being a solicitor and DH.

There needs to be a balance in visiting, which OP clearly does not have.

ChangeItChild · 06/09/2019 08:35

12 times in 18 months!?

It doesn't sound like you are very settled where you are currently living, how can you be making friends and socialising (for you and your toddler) when you are always on a trip back to your old hometown?

RomaineCalm · 06/09/2019 08:43

I think there comes a time when you have to prioritise the needs of your immediate family - DH and DC. All family is important but with FaceTime, Skype, messages and photos there is no reason why your DC can't continue to have a good relationship with grandparents, aunties etc.

Just cut down on the visits. Pencil in some time when it would be convenient to visit and make some polite excuses why you won't be up every 6 weeks.

As DC get older they'll have things that you want to do as a family during weekends and holidays. I certainly wouldn't be using all of my annual leave to visit - what about time for the three of you to do things together.

Finally, start thinking about Christmas - as DC get older they may want to be in their own home with their presents and toys. I'd try to stop it becoming the expectation that you pack up and travel across the country every year. Fast forward 6 weeks and MN will be full of those threads.

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