to be fed up with travelling to visit family

[SpikeLeesLeftKnee]

DS is 18 months. DP and I live in another part of the country from my family. I’ve lived here 10 years.

Since DS was born I’ve been travelling up and down the country to visit my side of the family; sometimes with DP and sometimes without. I’ve been about 12 times in 18 months staying for between a few days and a couple of weeks at a time. I’m going because I miss them and I want DS to know that side of his family but it’s a five hour train journey and it’s long, and starting to feel even longer doing it solo with a toddler.

I’m taking DS up soon for 3 days for my niece’s birthday. All three of us will be going for 2 weeks at Christmas too. I told my mum that I was coming up for niece’s birthday because I wouldn’t be coming up for nephew’s early next year. My mum said she thought I was being unfair to his mum (my sister) by not coming up. Nephew’s birthday is 2 days after DS’s. I don’t want to plan DSs birthday celebrations around travelling for my nephew’s birthday.

My parents came to visit a few times after DS was born but after that didn’t visit until summer a year later. Not one of my siblings has visited. I don’t mind this, I know people have busy lives but I’m starting to find the expectation of me bringing DS up to visit is beginning to grate and if I’m being honest, I’m starting to feel a bit resentful. I’m working full time, I’m tired and I've used the majority of my annual leave travelling back home so we can see everyone. I don't know if we would see anyone if I wasn't doing this.

I don’t know what my AIBU is; I think I’m just ranting because I’m tired of feeling guilty if I don’t visit and equally tired of feeling like I’m arranging our lives around our next travelling session.

Cut back on the visits. You have your own family now.

Cut down on the visits. FaceTime and lots of invitations for them to come and see you. If you get mopey faces and "little X will be so disappointed!" about it, feel free to point out repeatedly how hard it is wrangling a toddler on a 5-hour train journey and how you're spending all your annual leave doing this.

I have a similar situation and there's a definite "well, you moved, so you should be doing this" feel about it. Yes, I moved, but I don't therefore owe it to them to spend all my free time on trains so I can spend just as much time there as if I hadn't, that's not how it works.

Yanbu.

I eyeroll the “ you moved so suck it up” mentality. Many places do not have the opportunities many people need for their profession nor are those places always the best to live or raise a family. Plus, both sides should be traveling if they are able not just leaving it to one side to do it.

My husband is in this situation. Him and his brother moved to North America for years, and both moved back. Both have specialist professions and have gotten to a point in their careers where to succeed it is better for them to live around certain places. Luckily, BIL was able to get a job near his family, my husband could not because there isn’t a high level of employment for what he does and involves international travel so he has to be around London. We go up 5-8 times a year while his parents visit twice a year for our sons’ birthdays. His brother has visited once and his sister has never visited. We understand because she works in the medical field.

After four years of this and some other issues he has noticed, my husband decided to limit the trips. It’s exhausting for him and me (trying to get the boys settled afterwards) to take these 4.5-10 hrs drives (depending on traffic) with two small children (4yo SEN and a 23 month old) up North to see his family.

He made the decision of going up for Christmas but instead of staying for 10 days, we’re staying for four in a hotel and spending the rest of the holidays at home for once. I agreed but compromised the days. He wanted to move those days before Christmas and I thought that would be a bit unfair for the boys and them seeing their cousins.

He talks about how much he thinks some of his family would enjoy different things here, but doesn’t hold his breath.

You chose to move away from the family, it wasn't them, you can't now expect them to be traveling up and down to see you at their expense, it should be you.

If you like your family then i think you would make some effort, yes, why wouldn't you? The OP isn't even demanding that they visit anyway if you actually read her OP properly, she said she understood peoples lives are busy, her issue is them demanding she visits so much

I think most people are right and that I’ve made a rod for my own back with the frequency of visits. I agree with that but there always seemed to be a reason to have to go; weddings, big birthdays, baby showers, christenings. This was fine when I was on mat leave; I love seeing DS with my family and for the most part enjoyed being there but being back at work full time, I’m struggling to juggle it all and the expectation is still there.

My mum does know how hard it is travelling withDS or at least she acknowledges it and tells me she doesn’t know how I do it. This is why it grated when she commented about not being there for Nephew’s birthday. Add to this my sister saying she wouldn’t come down for a visit without our mum coming with her to help with the journey, it just made me a bit pissed off. My mum knows that I’m capable of doing it but can’t see that it would be fair for me to not want to do it, if that makes sense.

I don’t expect people to visit although I would love them to; there is a spare bedroom and always an open invite. It was my choice to move away and I agree the onus should be on me to do most of the legwork but I do realise I need to readjust my own and family’s expectations and find a way to not feel guilty about it.

Thank you to everyone for their advice- ill cut down on the visits and see how it goes.

I suggest inviting your sister for a specific visit rather than a general open invite which is easily forgotten. How about starting with inviting her the weekend after your DN and DS birthdays so you can all celebrate together?

You work FT too! How on earth

I wouldn’t regard baby showers, christenings or DCs’ birthdays as big enough reasons to travel 5 hours with a tiny DC.

The onus is NOT on you because you moved away.