In thinking this was pretty bad parenting on dh's part?

[karenbokaren]

Quite happy to be handed my ass and told I'm a mean cow.

It's ds's third day of school today. The other two days he's been excited to go. Today not so much. Not for any particular reason I don't think, he loved it when he came home yesterday. He just woke up in a stink.

I came down to make him breakfast and pack lunch.

After five minutes he strolls happily downstairs. DH has just ordered him a Thunderbirds toy (for him agreeing to go to school.)

I'm pretty annoyed. I've told dh I thought it wasn't his best parenting move ever and that it's setting the wrong idea that a: school is negotiable. B: that he gets bought things if he's having a wobbler.

DH thinks I'm being mean.

It's not great parenting but it isn't bad parenting.

But have a talk about it not happening again.

It’s not ideal, but not bad.

He's 4 years old and school is still a hugely scary concept to him given its only day 3.

Whilst not amazing parenting buying the toy which will probably arrive at the weekend will give your son something to focus on for completing his first week at big school.

I would be happy that he had made what could have been a horrible morning for your son where he was miserable which could have made settling into the routine even more challenging a positive experience.

I think this is pretty bad but not awful. It's first week of school and if somehow it does make your son think school is negotiable then it's going to be easy enough to put him right in future.

I guess things like this are just about being on the same page as your DH. It's no good when parenting decisions cause friction, even if it's minor and fleeting. If you will mainly responsible for getting your child up and ready for school then I'd say he should maybe have run it past you first but at the same time, these things tend to just happen and a decision is made.

Talk about it and move on.

So I am a miserable old boot.

Dh is so soft with ds and I'm so much more roguish that it's hard to find a happy medium sometimes!

I’d say it’s pretty stupid of your DH to set that precedent. Had a friend who did this sort of thing a lot in Primary and it didn’t end well. School is non negotiable and bribes are not accepted in our house.

Rigid!

I don’t think it’s bad or awful 🤷🏻‍♀️

Honestly I think your being a bit mean and uptight

I don’t think it’s ideal as a bribe, but could you reframe it as a reward for doing so well in his first week?

Just spin it as a 'well done for starting school' present when it arrives. Keep everything light and encouraging. I mean maybe DH was wrong but I don't think putting the words 'non negotiable' and 'school' together after just 3 days is going to help either (even just in your own mind).

Hmm. I'd be livid too.

Could you renegotiate the terms of the toy e.g. it's a reward for being so great at going to school in his first week and settling in so well (rather than a bribe for throwing a wobbly)?

You can then always follow up if he throws another strop that unfortunately the new toy will need to go away for a little while?

And I would speak to DH about dialling down the treats - a promise of a pancake or something for special breakfast would probably have been as effective?

how many times in his life is he going to start school for the very first time? None. So no, it's not setting a precedent. It's doing something nice for a little child who's going through a big transition.

I hope all saying it's wrong never treat themselves to something nice when they're finding something difficult? Struggling at a new job? Better not treat yourself to chocs or a glass of wine, then.

So I am a miserable old boot.

Not miserable but please try to remember he is still so little. He has years of going to school ahead of him and today is probably the first day he's really made the connection that this is what he has to do for what feels like the rest of his life.

He wont need constant presents or bribes or feel he can negotiate. It's 1 toy which he will probably get after completing his first full week of school which could be a nice little memento/story in years to come.

The worlds a very daunting place when you are 4 and to be honest adults do the same thing. Even now I sometimes treat myself with the promise of a takeaway or nice bar of chocolate after a long week of work to get me through the week.

'livid'. FFS.

My son was sick from crying on the way home from day two of school yesterday, I most definitely bribed him today with the promise of an extra half an hour at soft play if he could walk to school nicely today (he has been virtually carried every day so far).

He still cried and had a grumble, but he held my hand and walked nicely the whole way.

Meh, as a one off I see nothing wrong with this, he's being very sweet. Doesn't mean he plans on doing it every day unless he is thick,

Don't think it's bad. Think it's actually quite a nice way to focus on for ds. If he did it everytime he had to go to school there would be an issue but as a one off fine.

Really livid how ridiculous

What's he going to do when he doesn't want to go tomorrow?

It sends out entirely the wrong message, what a stupid precedent to set. Your DH is short sighted from a number of angles. There's no way that should be repeated. School is negotiable? Bribes will come if you kick up a fuss and hold out long enough? The materialism?

There's nothing wrong with buying your DC a toy to make him feel more settled at a time of change... But you don't link or frame it in the way your DH has. It's not healthy or sustainable in the long term, and kids need consistent parenting at times they're feeling unsettled more than ever!

Can't your DH understand that? It's not the toy, it's how it's been messaged.

Dh is the same with the cat. If he’s naughty dh buys him skinless & boneless salmon to cheer him up.

I can totally imagine him bribing a 4yo with gifts to go to school.

What's he going to do when he doesn't want to go tomorrow?

You remind him that the toy is on his way and it will arrive when he finishes his first full week of school and tell him how proud you are because he is so grown up. There's no need for it to turn into a drama.

I wish mine had bribed me to go to school. Every.Single.Day. Hated it from the start to the finish!

But you are right, of course.

You are correct, mother. What the hell???? Father has made it very easy for himself.

Haha! I'm the one who would be "livid" - OP is merely "pretty annoyed" so all good for the poor little boy. I am easily annoyed by my DH doing a hypothetical thing, I guess

What @HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone said.