In thinking this was pretty bad parenting on dh's part?

[karenbokaren]

Quite happy to be handed my ass and told I'm a mean cow.

It's ds's third day of school today. The other two days he's been excited to go. Today not so much. Not for any particular reason I don't think, he loved it when he came home yesterday. He just woke up in a stink.

I came down to make him breakfast and pack lunch.

After five minutes he strolls happily downstairs. DH has just ordered him a Thunderbirds toy (for him agreeing to go to school.)

I'm pretty annoyed. I've told dh I thought it wasn't his best parenting move ever and that it's setting the wrong idea that a: school is negotiable. B: that he gets bought things if he's having a wobbler.

DH thinks I'm being mean.

I agree with you but there are SO many worse things he could do.
Just have a chat with your dh and ds together about the importance of school and it not being a choice.

Dh is the same with the cat. If he’s naughty dh buys him skinless & boneless salmon to cheer him up

And Asbo still ignores him?

Ds already sees me as the mean one. Dh buys him lots of toys. His parents were, and still are, extremely generous (the amount we all get at Christmas is ridiculous) and we were strictly a one present for birthday, one present at Christmas family (my Dad was a single parent and we were skint).

When we go out for dinner with friends dh will always offer to pay. We're not in a monetary situation to do that!

There are far worse traits to have in a partner than being over generous though!

Anyway, I told ds as he got on the bus (happily) that I'd buy him an ice cream after school. In trying to be the parent that doesn't spoil him I'm afraid I'm always the bad guy!!

I'd be pretty annoyed if OH did this if I'm honest.
I get that starting school is tough but bribery to attend probably doesn't set a very good precedent.
I'd have a word with your husband and explain this to him in a no-blame way.

Then make sure you set your son some mummy time each evening to talk through what he has enjoyed each day to make it exciting.Also, plenty of down time this weekend he will be tired.

I don’t think kids project as adults do. Next time they want a toy they cry about school. Most of the time their reactions will be genuine. And there are ways of speaking to the child if they want another toy.

There is no perfect way of parenting and this doesn’t register in the scale in the realm of bad parenting.

@Fluffycloudland77
Dh is the same with the cat. If he’s naughty dh buys him skinless & boneless salmon to cheer him up.

This made me laugh!

The principle of what you're saying is right but in this situation I think getting him to school till hes used to it and enjoys going and is excited to go take priority

TBH, the social media is full of memes of Mums rewarding themselves with wine after a hard day.
We "treat" ourselves too after or before hard times. For children, school can be as inevitable and scary as an interview for us or a very difficult and stressful job or day at work.
Give a little. Don't make it a rule but don't turn a midge into an elephant.

Well it's not ideal and I'd be pretty annoyed too - but a lot depends on whether your DH does it again.
A one-off isn't so bad - and he can hold off on giving it to DS until a few days, or preferably at least the second week, has gone by.

I'm always the discipline person in our family too - when DH is left alone with the boys, he tends to give them tablet time, chocolate, pretty much whatever they want to stop them whinging or annoying him - this is very fucking annoying. It's Disney parenting, not actual parenting. All they learn from it is that if they whinge to Dad, he'll give them whatever they want. NOT helpful!

There IS a happy medium to be found - but your DH needs to get on board. Sounds like he's using his generosity to get people to like him - is he insecure underneath it all?

You say there are worse traits, and there are - but being the "big man" and showing how generous you can be to others while leaving your family in financial difficulties is a pretty bad fucking trait to have if it carries on.

Definitely have a chat with him along the lines of "and what will it be next time, and the time after that, and so on?" and see if he can see the problems he's setting up.

Definitely sets a bad precedent BUT there have been days I'd have done ANYTHING to make the morning go smoother. Threats, promises.....anything. My kids are generally reasonable, pleasant, well behaved and good students. But there's been times....lol. I sent my 16 yo old with no shoes because she was late and had an attitude. It was winter, as soon as she stepped outside I demanded she get back in and put some damn shoes on.....i had completely lost the plot that morning. My point is, mistakes have been made. Not the end of the world.

I would have been annoyed initially too

School isn’t a choice & rewards for going when they are this small is setting up a bad dynamic, but I’m like you, firm!

I’d have told DH why it wasn’t a great idea, but 🤷🏻‍♀️ at least he’s listening and trying his best not just telling him off and shouting.. I know that’s setting the bar low, but there are many men like that and sometimes it’s ok to be grateful that yours isn’t one of them!

Whilst stil explaining that bribing DS to go to school isn’t the way forward!!

Your dh is a delboy showing off when he cant afford it-thats in relation to buying dinner for all not your son

He cant bribe him with a toy everytime he wont do something-or he'll know how to get what he wants

Is the thunderbirds toy for DH too I wonder?

And is it actually bribery or had the toy already been discussed and DH used it as a hook/distraction?

I would have thought a toy for completing his first week at school would be OK as long as it is framed a reward for good behaviour going to school etc.

You're definitely not mean, the husband did the wrong thing 100% and it sets a bad precedent that should be broken immediately.

Stick to your guns.

DH has only just discovered Thunderbirds with ds so it's very possible the toy is for him too!

OP YABVU to offer your DS an icecream after school - you should have treated him to skinless and boneless salmon!

School IS indeed non-negotiable but it doesn't sound to me like you're showing much sympathy about your child doing something very big and scary and emotionally draining.

I'd buy myself something to say well done at the end of my first week in a new job - even if just a cake or glass of fizz or new paperback.

overthinking it

the bus driver at dd school bribes the kids in all grades with lollypops at least twice a week

A little bit of cheering on and encouragement for the first week of school is no bad thing. A dad and his boy chatting about thunderbirds and maybe the son being able to talk about school in this situation and also having a nice ice cream with his mum on the way home today and doing the same thing. This must surely be helping him feel loved and supported?
After two days of excitement he's woken up to realise some of the realities of school and not surprisingly finds it all a bit daunting.
I think all the talk of bribes and setting precedents is a bit of an over reaction. He will never be a first timer at school again. He will soon get used to it and will learn as he goes along that it is not negotiable, but I don't think there's any shame in making his first week or so a bit easier or more pleasurable for him.

I'm sorry, I assume that DS is his child. His parenting style might not follow yours 100% but that's not to say it's wrong.

It looks like a well thought out strategy that has worked for a long time - what did he buy you just before he proposed, OP?

I don’t really see an issue here. Your four year old was stressed about going to school and kicking up a fuss so DH said he’d buy him a gift he was a brave boy. Parents do this all of the time, surely.

Mine are older and yesterday was their first day back. They’re not usually allowed their iPads during the week but I made an exception after school yesterday because they’d all done extremely well despite being worried about going back.

Yes YABU

Your DH is your DS's father .

As for somebody who would be "livid" over this , well ..

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Mostly, yes.

the husband did the wrong thing 100% and it sets a bad precedent that should be broken immediately.

hyperbole 101.

I'm with your H. Your DS is still very little. He has plenty of time to learn that the world is full of officious, authoritarian wankers who believe that those weaker than them just need to submit and obey, and expecting any reward for their obedience is morally wrong. Let him enjoy his toy and remember that you will always parent better if you rely on carrots, not sticks.