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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt?

61 replies

Solly5472 · 05/09/2019 12:49

DD is 12 and has a best friend. BF family have 4 times our income, and Mum has been at home all day for 17 years, with lots of money and time.
Problem: Mum and BF seem to spend too much of their time telling DD how she could look better ('oh, your hair looks nicer after it's been washed/oh your skin looks better now you've used BF facewash/oh you'd look better if your clothes were ironed). DD says' they weren't being direct/i don't wish I was BF etc)
DH and i are older parents, both working full time for not much. Our home isn't a pristine palace like BF home (both BF and DD say they prefer to be at house). We are clean,happy and fairly tidy but not obsessive. Some days there isn't showering and hair washing. I don't iron clothes, especially as DD changes clothes a lot.
What hurts is the most is all the little comments 'Mum' suggested,mentioned etc etc. 'Mum' often says 'oh i just thought i'd mention.....
I never used to be this sensitive but it is really starting to hurt now.
DD says she doesn't even BF at all, and is happy at home, with what we have. We are close and get on fairly well.

OP posts:
ThePhoenixRises · 05/09/2019 12:54

Great idea, will send my ironing over to you, thanks for the offer.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 05/09/2019 12:54

I think if people are noticing your daughter hasn't cleaned or washed her hair, you may need to make it a daily habit.

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2019 12:54

"DD says she doesn't even BF at all,"

Did you miss out, like?

If so distance yourselves.

Could you all do with being a bit cleaner and more put together though?

Your DD is getting to an age were she can iron her own clothes. If she wants to. It's fine for you to decide it isn't important for you, but if she wants to start then let her.

It's only because my mum was of the same mindset and prevented me from being more put together and I hated it.

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2019 12:55

Just to add, there should be showering daily. Especially for teens.

CleopatraTomato · 05/09/2019 12:58

It is obvious - distance yourselves from BF. Finf new friends. BUT make sure your DD washes more often as at 12 hair really cam start to get greasy.

QueefLatifah · 05/09/2019 13:01

I think it’s quite insensitive, however at her age, your daughters clothes should be ironed and she should be showering daily..

Templetonstunafish · 05/09/2019 13:02

I can't quite understand some of your post? I think you sound fine and this woman needs a hobby! That isn't your daughter! Hair washing is not needed every day. It's not even good for your hair to wash it that often.

Geminijes · 05/09/2019 13:04

It sounds as if your daughter's friend and her parents have noticed that your daughter doesn't shower daily and maybe mentioning that your daughter looks better with clean hair and her clothes ironed is a polite way of saying that she should be showering.

I can't believe that because your daughter changes clothes frequently that you use it as an excuse to not iron.

Your daughter obviously doesn't look 'polished' and her friend has noticed.
You need to stop being so sensitive and teach her to iron and to shower daily.

Lovelife2407 · 05/09/2019 13:05

oops, i chose all the hygiene issues which makes it look like we are a mucky bunch. Also true that in the hols she didn't shower every day. There was only one occasion when her hygiene was lacking.

There are plenty of other areas we get comments on, ie how we could alter our home/landscape our garden/refit the kitchen/ the attic/garage...All of which would be many thousands. We don't have debt, so it's all out of the question.(our house is fairly new and has been kept nicely).

Lovelife2407 · 05/09/2019 13:08

Ha ha! good luck to anyone who tries to teach DD anything. If you get through the arguing, refusing, sulking and storming off, it might work!

VladmirsPoutine · 05/09/2019 13:09

If your daughter was to cool the friendship then she should do so. Don't let the best friend take her hostage, so to speak.

On a separate note; 17 is a tricky age. Showering daily is a non-negotiable. As is brushing ones hair. If she is a bit scruffy then I'd even suggest scrubbing up a bit would work wonders for her confidence.

dollydaydream114 · 05/09/2019 13:11

If people are actually noticing that DD’s hair is unwashed and her clothes are a state, I actually do think that’s a problem and that you need to keep on top of it.

For people to a) notice and b) drop hints about it, things have reached an unacceptable stage.

Assuming you aren’t in a position where you can’t afford hygiene products like shampoo and soap, there is absolutely no excuse for your daughter to be regularly, visibly grubby. Nobody notices if a kid doesn’t shower every single day. They do notice when they haven’t showered for several days, and as a parent it is your job to make sure your child is clean.

Similarly, nobody notices when you don’t iron a sweatshirt or a t-shirt or whatever. They only notice if it’s extreme. If your child regularly looks as if her clothes have been scrunched up in a ball at the bottom of a heap, again, that is a problem.

Bluntness100 · 05/09/2019 13:12

Why does your daughter tell you this stuff. Is she making a point? Are you maybe a bit envious? It does sound like you're more sensitive and have bigger issues than your child.

Sammi38 · 05/09/2019 13:14

I don’t think there’s an issue with the friendship, I think the typo was meant to be ‘envy’.

If your daughters secure in herself as you say, then all’s ok. Do you think she needs to shower, wash hair more? Are her clothes scruffy? If not, then it’s just a difference of opinion.

boredboredboredboredbored · 05/09/2019 13:15

Did you name change? I'm confused Confused

Pollypenguin01 · 05/09/2019 13:16

I think at twelve your DD should maybe shower every day.
Obviously you know her best but I can imagine that maybe her hair is a bit greasy and maybe slight BO as hormones at that age can play absolute havoc and you don’t always realise there is a slight hygiene problem until it gets quite bad or someone says something.

Maybe the other mother is trying to be kind in a mishandled way and is trying to stop DD getting a hard time at school etc, maybe the other kids have said stuff behind her back to the BF and she has asked her mum how to let your DD know without actually saying it directly?

As for the ironed clothes, maybe it’s just everything together and not actually the creased clothes but more how she is presenting herself in general 🤷‍♀️

It’s not nice but I wouldn’t take it as a criticism of you or DD at all but maybe have a bit of a removed eye and see if you think there might be even slight merit in what they have said (even if it could’ve been conveyed better)

Bouffalant · 05/09/2019 13:16

Fuck ironing. I don't iron anything.

However, could they be trying to subtly tell her that she doesn't smell too fresh? I think teens should be showering every day. Is there a reason she doesn't?

Moomin8 · 05/09/2019 13:17

Anyone you spend time with, who ends up making you feel worse about yourself should be removed from your life. Life is too short. And that goes for you and your dd.

Nobody on here can make an objective assumption about whether the OP's dd looks unwashed etc. Whilst I agree that most teenagers need to shower every day, comments about expensive facial products, renovations to your house etc are not nice behaviour.

PurpleDaisies · 05/09/2019 13:18

If people are actually noticing that DD’s hair is unwashed and her clothes are a state, I actually do think that’s a problem and that you need to keep on top of it.

I agree.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 05/09/2019 13:19

I think they are trying to make a point in a not so subtle way.....lots of people work full time or even longer hours and manage to get then ironing done at least once a week....

Batcrazymum3 · 05/09/2019 13:25

@Lovelife2407 are you thr OP as well???

mnbvcxz098 · 05/09/2019 13:25

Washing every day and ironing clothes isn't 'being obsessive' but is having care and concern for your appearance. Also, not washing every day can become a slippery slope. It's up to you

PleasedToSeeYou · 05/09/2019 13:27

Your name change has failed
I think your child should be washing every day. It's important at that age. Many people work full time and manage to iron

RiftGibbon · 05/09/2019 13:33

Washing every day is a must. Ironing clothes - well it depends what they are. But at 12, if she wants ironed things, she could do it herself.

WhatsMyPassword · 05/09/2019 13:38

TBH Slutty housekeeping - using the original origin of the word slut with no sexual connotations - is a badge of honour on MN. It's very much 'look at me, I don't iron, aren't I all empowered'.

Yes people will notice if your child goes out looking like a spud sack tied in the middle. Yes it is low level neglect. I presume you could teach your daughtrer how to iron? Yes, not ensuring personal hygiene is also low level neglect. BTW name change fail

It originally meant "a dirty, slovenly woman",[2] and is rarely used to refer to men, generally requiring clarification by use of the terms male slut or man whore.[4][5] The first recorded use of the word was a reference to a man, in Geoffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales, in which he is referring to the man's untidy appearance.