to be hurt?

[Solly5472]

DD is 12 and has a best friend. BF family have 4 times our income, and Mum has been at home all day for 17 years, with lots of money and time.
Problem: Mum and BF seem to spend too much of their time telling DD how she could look better ('oh, your hair looks nicer after it's been washed/oh your skin looks better now you've used BF facewash/oh you'd look better if your clothes were ironed). DD says' they weren't being direct/i don't wish I was BF etc)
DH and i are older parents, both working full time for not much. Our home isn't a pristine palace like BF home (both BF and DD say they prefer to be at house). We are clean,happy and fairly tidy but not obsessive. Some days there isn't showering and hair washing. I don't iron clothes, especially as DD changes clothes a lot.
What hurts is the most is all the little comments 'Mum' suggested,mentioned etc etc. 'Mum' often says 'oh i just thought i'd mention.....
I never used to be this sensitive but it is really starting to hurt now.
DD says she doesn't even BF at all, and is happy at home, with what we have. We are close and get on fairly well.

All of those are too do with hygiene and presentation are you sure they arent right?

I think you need to think clearly and dispassionately about whether they have a point.
They don't seem to be encouraging your DD to plaster herself in makeup or wear the latest fashions.
These are hygiene tips.
When I was 12, a daily shower was a necessity.
Look at her peers on the school run. How does your DD's hygiene compare?
This stuff becomes very important at this age and over the coming years. Not saying that it's right, but most people struggle to maintain friendships with people with poor hygiene, however lovely those people are.
If you are certain there isn't an issue, then I'd probably have a word with BF's mum and keep a close eye on the friendship in future.
But I think there is a very strong chance these people may be caring and trying to help your DD in a kind way.

@MamatoAnK Thu 05-Sep-19 17:47:07
They sound shallow and seem to place value in all the wrong things imo. If you're daughter is genuinely happy with herself as she is then good for her I say! All you guys saying shower every day, she should wash every day, what a load of tosh, what matters is how she feels about herself. If she's happy in her own body as she is then I think she's a very lucky, clever, bright young lady, not to let other people's opinions influence how SHE FEELS. Which at the end of the day should be all that matters, right? As they say fk the haters

I hope this is a pisstake. If it's not, haven't you seen the many, many threads on here by people that have to work alongside people with bad hygiene? Maybe you should look them up before posting the above.

Nope, not a pisstake. Just my opinion. The op never mentioned that her DD had bad hygiene nor that the her friend and mother were telling her she smells, it was all about how she looks. Yeah if you stink, get a wash, I work with children and have worked with adults who are genuinely not looking after their own personal hygiene and I'm the first to tell them delicately that parhaps they should wash abit more often. There's a difference between that and picking holes in a young girls appearance

Why not just teach your DD to iron?
Me and my mum both shared ironing duties from when I was about 11/12 years old (she was supervising me to start off with)

At 12, surely daily showering is a basic? Not necessarily hair washing every day, but a daily shower or wash down?

If it's her best friend and her mum who are mentioning it, I would rather hear it put kindly from someone close to me than kids being mean at school about it.

And I don't think their income is anything to do with it - a bar of soap and basic shampoo/conditioner/shower gel doesn't cost much

Daily hygiene is a must. And you should iron your daughter’s clothes, anyone who says they don’t iron, you look scruffy, there is no getting away from that. Working FT is no excuse.

It sounds as if your DD’s friend’s mum is trying to make (not so) subtle hints that your daughter’s hygiene / appearance is somewhat in need of attention.

Showering every other day is fine as long as it’s thorough and actually every other day (and occurs after PE/sport). My daughter has eczema and can’t shower every day; in fact the GP told her to shower less often. She doesn’t smell. Only a very few very unlucky people need a complete shower and hair wash every day.

Ironing is a pointless waste of time except for clothes made of 100% cotton or linen, and even then not all cotton needs to be ironed. Linen will crease again within 0.34 seconds of being ironed so arguably also pointless ironing it. Drip dry is the best approach for almost everything.

People who make regular negative comments about a 12 year-old’s appearance are rude and unpleasant and should be steadfastly ignored.

So many judgements here....... so what her daughter didn't wash her hair or did a quick that'll do wash before going out! As a mum to a 12 year old boy trust me trying to get him to do anything for his personal hygiene is an enormous task every evening and morning lol. I think this person needs removing from your circle of friends and find nice compassionate friends who are not so judgmental on your personal circumstances, I've only just started ironing literally everything because I have two toddlers aswel and I need stuff put away and ready for the day ahead as doing it daily would be a massive struggle for ME but for others not so...... Trust me my kids have looked dirty and unwashed on many occasions... so what no body is perfect. Keep doing you and let go of that so called friend good luck

Yes let's encourage a waste of resources in showering, washing and drying hair everyday and ironing clothes that don't need ironing 🙄

I do agree with taking an injective look at DD, or asking others who know you for honest opinions. But it's very unlikely that she does need to wash daily (which, btw isn't great for skin or hair!). She shouldn't be dumping her clothes on the floor though as they well get crumbled and she will look unkempt, but ultimately at that age it's her choice if she wants to look scruffy.

I dont iron however I mad iron my daughters uniform when she has one or try get shirts that are non iron so they dont crease. I used to get a shower every other day but I had greasy hair so o used dry shampoo on the other day. I actually found if I showed daily it made my hair worse. You can tell if she needs daily showers or not like if she smells or her hairs messy. I wouldnt like another mother telling child to wash themselves and face and I'd be confronting them. Your not neglecting your child you just parent and life differently and shes no right to say these things.

Sorry but I disagree, you need to start getting your daughter to wash more And you need to start ironing her clothes. things like this mean a big deal to some people and you do not want her to get bullied or lose friends. Can’t you make a bit of effort? It has nothing to do with money, just standards.