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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be hurt?

61 replies

Solly5472 · 05/09/2019 12:49

DD is 12 and has a best friend. BF family have 4 times our income, and Mum has been at home all day for 17 years, with lots of money and time.
Problem: Mum and BF seem to spend too much of their time telling DD how she could look better ('oh, your hair looks nicer after it's been washed/oh your skin looks better now you've used BF facewash/oh you'd look better if your clothes were ironed). DD says' they weren't being direct/i don't wish I was BF etc)
DH and i are older parents, both working full time for not much. Our home isn't a pristine palace like BF home (both BF and DD say they prefer to be at house). We are clean,happy and fairly tidy but not obsessive. Some days there isn't showering and hair washing. I don't iron clothes, especially as DD changes clothes a lot.
What hurts is the most is all the little comments 'Mum' suggested,mentioned etc etc. 'Mum' often says 'oh i just thought i'd mention.....
I never used to be this sensitive but it is really starting to hurt now.
DD says she doesn't even BF at all, and is happy at home, with what we have. We are close and get on fairly well.

OP posts:

Beautiful3 · 05/09/2019 13:38

I doubt they are trying to insult her & you. It's probably come from a good place. They can visibly see that your daughter has hygiene issues. They are encouraging her to wash her face and hair. That's your job to notice when she needs support and encourage her to stay clean. You're annoyed because people have highlighted it to your daughter. If my daughter went to school with greasy hair and a dirty body then that's my fault, not a friend who's encouraging her to wash?! Your daughter should be washing every day at her age. Her friend and her mum sound nice and obviously care about her.

bobstersmum · 05/09/2019 13:39

If your daughter feels bad about it all then she needs to make a new friend, because even if she isn't absolutely pristine they shouldn't be making her feel crappy. Teens can be stinky little buggers though they definitely absolutely need to shower every day and fresh clothes.

HaileySherman · 05/09/2019 13:41

She should probably shower daily, but if hair drying etc is too much, buy a shower cap and some dry shampoo for her to use. I understand that you're more concerned about hurt feelings, but it doesn't seem to be bothering your DD from what you said, so you could let it go. However if you think it may impact her self esteem, maybe discreetly mention something to the mom. There's no reason for it to be confrontational, but maybe it is something that needs pointing out to BF's mom because she doesn't realize what she's doing. If you think it could negatively affect your DD, then you SHOULD say something. But don't base it on your feelings, base it on your daughter's.

BloggersBlog · 05/09/2019 13:42

It doesnt take money to look clean and ironed so am not sure why you have said they earn 4x what you do. Just a bit of extra time. Maybe they are being a bit OTT and you are not happy with their opinions. But 12 year olds IME do need a shower every day and hormones increasing mean hair needs washing most days. So maybe they are trying to be helpful.

MumUndone · 05/09/2019 13:46

I don't think ironing is a must, but showering definitely is.

inwood · 05/09/2019 13:47

I think you need to get your daughter to wash her hair more often and teach her to iron. That doesn't take money.

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2019 13:57

"Ha ha! good luck to anyone who tries to teach DD anything. If you get through the arguing, refusing, sulking and storming off, it might work!"

Well then your DD will have to learn that people will make comments over hygiene, especially other teens.

You know the level that it's at. But lets face it, in every school there's a % of isolated, unwashed kids that don't reach their potential and it's usually down to family influences.

MummyJasmin · 05/09/2019 14:00

It doesnt take money to look clean and ironed so am not sure why you have said they earn 4x what you do. Just a bit of extra time. Maybe they are being a bit OTT and you are not happy with their opinions. But 12 year olds IME do need a shower every day and hormones increasing mean hair needs washing most days. So maybe they are trying to be helpful.

This.

ElizaDee · 05/09/2019 14:01

Problem: Mum and BF seem to spend too much of their time telling DD how she could look better ('oh, your hair looks nicer after it's been washed/oh your skin looks better now you've used BF facewash/oh you'd look better if your clothes were ironed).

I think they are trying to make kind hints.

Some days there isn't showering and hair washing. I don't iron clothes, especially as DD changes clothes a lot.

Now your DD is in secondary, you need to sort this out, or give her the means to do it all herself. There were kids like this in my school, one in every year, and they all smelled and looked grimy. They were bullied.

Lovelife2407 · 05/09/2019 14:03

Yes, i did change my name. It's still me.

Thank you all for your thoughts. DD has been adamant for some time that showering every other day (and washing her very long hair) is enough and I've told her a few times it isn't. We will talk about it again tonight, and ponder if anyone (..anyone at all...like) has hinted that every other day might not be enough.

Re the clothes ironing- I've always put the school clothes in the dryer and pull them out as soon as they are crease free, so will probably start ironing. Her causal clothes spend too much time on the floor to warrant any more attention that that. I could tell her that if she only changes clothes once a day, and hangs them up, then i could start ironing them for her.

Dementornator · 05/09/2019 14:05

Agree with others, it really doesn’t cost a lot to look clean and presentable. You should definitely be ironing as well. I think she’s giving you not-so-subtle hints.

EmilyStar · 05/09/2019 14:06

I think in your position I’d try to look at DD’s appearance objectively and ask myself if they’ve got a valid point.

Does DD’s hair etc look noticeably unwashed on days when she’s skipped a shower?
Do DD’s clothes look crumpled and scruffy?

And then act accordingly, whether that’s tightening up on hygiene etc, or having a word with / distancing yourself from BF’s mum.

kaytee87 · 05/09/2019 14:08

It sounds like they're trying to tell her that her hairs dirty, her personal hygiene isn't great and her clothes are crumpled.
Are you sure you're being completely objective?
I'm not sure what relevance their income has?

Mabelface · 05/09/2019 14:10

Fuck ironing and if you're not a sweaty person, then a shower every other day certainly won't hurt. If your dd doesn't look scruffy and unkempt and doesn't smell, then you've nothing to worry about. I personally think that bf and her mother should shut up and wind their necks in.

Bookworm4 · 05/09/2019 14:15

Maybe it’s your daughters way of saying she wants to be cleaner, ironed clothes etc. As her mum you should be encouraging good hygiene.

Lovelife2407 · 05/09/2019 14:19

One more thought...it just occurred to me that DD is always immaculately turned out and clean when she goes to school. BF doesn't go to her school so never sees her all clean, well dressed and scrubbed up! Nor does BF mum. They only ever see DD at the weekend after they have usually been out most of the day.

cranstonmanor · 05/09/2019 14:24

That could be it. My SIL once questioned me why I was always gifting nice dresses and hair accesoires for her daughter because she already has so much. Well, I only ever saw her in dirty trackbottoms and unwashed uncombed hair. Turns out that SIL does dress her nicely and does her hair for schoolsays but hadn't done so for years in the weekends and holidays, which is when I saw her. I'm a bit surprised that your daighter doesn't just shower every day if her own friends are commenting. Plus, if she wouldn't smell they wouldn't know, right? So she probably smells a little.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/09/2019 14:34

'Not ironing is low level neglect'

Bloody hell!

1ToughCookie · 05/09/2019 15:10

Slutty housekeeping - using the original origin of the word slut with no sexual connotations - is a badge of honour on MN. It's very much 'look at me, I don't iron, aren't I all empowered'.

Ffs. That's whole post is intentional misinterpretation and bullying.

There's a huge difference between being a little smelly and rumpled on the weekend and genuine neglect.

MamatoAnK · 05/09/2019 17:47

They sound shallow and seem to place value in all the wrong things imo. If you're daughter is genuinely happy with herself as she is then good for her I say! All you guys saying shower every day, she should wash every day, what a load of tosh, what matters is how she feels about herself. If she's happy in her own body as she is then I think she's a very lucky, clever, bright young lady, not to let other people's opinions influence how SHE FEELS. Which at the end of the day should be all that matters, right? As they say f**k the haters

wonderingsoul · 05/09/2019 17:53

Can we just go back to the OP who put

Not ironing is low level neglect.

Of coursing it fucking well isnt.

Give your head a wobble.

Atalune · 05/09/2019 17:59

I think you should prime your DD with some come backs.

Oh we don’t waste energy on ironing, we have much better things to do with our time.

Hair washing every day! That’s what dry shampoo is for!

If your DD isn’t bothered then help her shrug it off. If it persists then you might have to say something.

I also do think teens, especially girls do place a lot of value on their outward appearance. You don’t have to be rich to be clean and well presented.

Bouffalant · 05/09/2019 19:03

Not ironing is low level neglect

Oh dear.

I work with software developers, data analysts, international project managers and directors all of whom must be neglected as everyone wears joggers, slippers, leggings and dungarees, yet somehow they manage to earn huge salaries.

The last time I used an iron was in 2012 when DP thought he might need to wear an ironed shirt to a management interview. The interviewers were all in flip flops and shorts.

stayathomer · 05/09/2019 19:25

I feel for you op but hate that you have to mention that they earn so much and she does nothing. I'm a sahm, my kids aren't immaculate and you're saying she's saying this stuff because you think she's looking down on you and has all the time in the world and the money where's you work. Ergo sahm vs wm.

MulticolourMophead · 05/09/2019 19:32

I wash every day, twice in fact. I don't shower every day, not necessary. I wash my hair about every 3-4 days, something that came about after I tried shorter and longer periods to find what really suited.

As for ironing, well, again, not always necessary. I hang stuff up, or carefully fold, and rarely have creases. If anything needs ironing, I'll iron as needed, the board is always up in the utility room.

But yes, it's worth OP having a chat with her DD about what's suitable for her.

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