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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so sad for this middle child,

77 replies

RoryGlory · 04/09/2019 18:04

Older and youngest have the same dad.

Middle has to watch both his siblings leave to go stay with their dad at the weekends.

Mother doesn’t even know who the middle child’s father is.

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 04/09/2019 20:06

I feel sorry for the whole family....

I'm not sure why you would post this either.

dollydaydream114 · 04/09/2019 20:08

Save this for a passive-aggressive Facebook status instead, OP, and then say 'I'll PM you hun xx' whenever anyone replies and have a good old bitch about the woman you're judging. It's clearly what you're desperate to do.

Ilikethisone · 04/09/2019 20:10

I don't think ops issue is that she has kids with different dads.

It's the fact that she wont find out who the dad of the second one is. Which means that child could be missing out. Ans the fact that the woman uses the kids for attention on social media, despite not finding out who the dad is.

I mean what does she want to gain by posting that video? The dad, may be involved, if he actually knew. Maybe not. But maybe he would and that child is missing out because of decisions the mother is making. Then the mother is playing out the childs upset for everyone to see.

Lisamac28 · 04/09/2019 20:13

And absolutely no one would tell a woman that she should take on a baby that her husband had with someone else, if she was no longer with the husband. If that's actually what happened

Not really the same thing though is it? Assuming the father lived in the same home at some point with the other child. A woman who has split with a partner and he then goes onto have other children would presumably never meet the child/ren???

Ibiza2015 · 04/09/2019 20:15

I’m struggling to make sense of this. So if the mother is posting a picture of the child crying, is she trying to strongarm the Dad of 1 and 3 into taking 2 as well, even though he’s not the father?

That’s not on for either her ex or the children. It’s really manipulative.

If a man decides to take on a child who isn’t his, that’s wonderful. But there is no obligation on him to do it, particularly not for the convenience of his ex wanting a free day.

Butchyrestingface · 04/09/2019 20:26

My youngest has to watch her siblings go off with their dad and shes perfectly fine..Stop judging

Yes, I did wonder whether the order was somehow relevant to @RoryGlory. I mean, if the two ELDEST kids have the same father but not the youngest, or the two YOUNGEST but not the eldest, are they deserving of the same sympathy?

Or is there something about eldest and youngest kids having the same father that piques OP's sympathy especially?

TanMateix · 04/09/2019 20:29

Frankly, you are right to be sorry for the kid, I agree wholeheartedly with this:

The idea that the absence of a father is compensated for by 1:1 with mother is quite
bizarre

Those of you married people with three siblings, send two out with a relative for a fun day out and force one to stay behind. You will see that no matter how much attention and love you throw onto the kid, you will find it difficult to make him feel happy about being left

It is the adventure with their siblings they miss, they already know how much their mother love them and take her for granted.

katseyes7 · 04/09/2019 20:31

My OH has a stepson (eldest) who is half brother to his own son. He's been in his life since eldest was about three.
Eldest's dad works offshore, and has only ever seen him two or three times a year. To all intents and purposes, my OH has been his dad. And eldest totally understands and acts as if this is the case.
When l met my OH, on the weekends and holidays he had (let's call him) youngest, he also had eldest as well. Always treated them both the same. And so have l. l'm actually closer to the eldest, l call them both my stepsons, but l have more in common with the eldest, and he actively keeps in touch with me more.
Eldest's dad is a decent bloke, and very appreciative of how my OH has been there for him. They all get on very well together.
l appreciate not everyone is/can be like that, but as my OH said when they were young, "No way could l take (youngest) at the weekends and holidays, and leave (eldest) at home." They're very close as brothers, and always have been.
lt very much depends on the people and situations involved.

QualCheckBot · 04/09/2019 20:32

How can she not know who the father is? Can anyone explain? She must have some idea. Perhaps that's why she's putting photos on FB of the upset child.

TanMateix · 04/09/2019 20:40

I bet she knows but doesn’t want to discuss it with people and yes, she may be putting the photos in Facebook because his deadbeat dad is a friend of someone she knows.

Evertheconundrum · 04/09/2019 20:40

Totally agree @WhatsMyPassword

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/09/2019 20:53

If 'dad' was half a man, he'd take on no2 as his own anyway

I think this, too.

But dad is human and may not be able to face living proof of his wife's promiscuity (if she doesn't know who the dad is, unless she was raped, this is more than infidelity). Maybe it is just too painful.

Valanice1989 · 04/09/2019 21:11

If 'dad' was half a man, he'd take on no2 as his own anyway

Mind you I find the references to the father not having to take on another man's child pretty disgusting, frankly. Even if the mother was unfaithful, that is not the child's fault.

I don't believe for a second that a woman would be insulted on MN for not taking on her ex's child as her own. I think that's a crazy expectation, to be frank.

Valanice1989 · 04/09/2019 21:18

The only time I can remember hearing of someone taking on their ex's child as their own is when Bob Geldof adopted Tiger Lily Hutchence. That was a pretty extreme situation - she was orphaned at the age of four, and he's extremely wealthy.

Cryalot2 · 04/09/2019 21:23

There is nothing you can do. Its wrong of the mum to post such

user87382294757 · 04/09/2019 21:28

The ones I feel sorry for are ones whose dad (or mum) have left for another who also has children he / she lives with with another partner, and when the child visits their dad is with the other kids all the time...they hardly ever get time alone with their dad without the others - some I know really struggle with this

Lisamac28 · 04/09/2019 21:33

I don't believe for a second that a woman would be insulted on MN for not taking on her ex's child as her own. I think that's a crazy expectation, to be frank

Again that's a different scenario. An exes child would not be in the womans life would it? She wouldn't have previously lived with the child.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 04/09/2019 21:36

He;s under no obligation to "take the child on as his own" but if I were him, I'd want to do what is best for my children and that would very likely be creating as cohesive a family unit as possible under the circumstances, and that would very likely be taking the three children when possible.

But, that's a lot of hypothesising so who knows really

BarbariansMum · 04/09/2019 21:37

So if you live with a child you owe them an upbringing, is that it? Do you think partners should get automatic parental responsibility then?

GoneToTheDock · 04/09/2019 21:40

@WhatsMyPassword

If 'dad' was half a man, he'd take on no2 as his own anyway

What?

Anyway op is obviously judging the mum, who is she to you OP?

Banangana · 04/09/2019 21:41

Again that's a different scenario. An exes child would not be in the womans life would it? She wouldn't have previously lived with the child.

How do we know that this ex has lived with the middle child? Maybe it was a one night stand or their relationship was just sexual?

Valanice1989 · 04/09/2019 23:18

Again that's a different scenario. An exes child would not be in the womans life would it? She wouldn't have previously lived with the child.

Where does the OP say that the father previously lived with the child? The set-up sounds chaotic; I'm guessing the mother had an on-off relationship with him.

Even if a woman did live with another woman's child, I really don't think people would expect her to treat the child as her own even after splitting up with their father.

Ilikethisone · 05/09/2019 05:17

Not really the same thing though is it? Assuming the father lived in the same home at some point with the other child. A woman who has split with a partner and he then goes onto have other children would presumably never meet the child/ren???

I am talking if the woman was in the same situation. If she later left her husband after he had a child with someone else, she wouldnt be expected to be a mother to a child from another woman. If the mother decided she didnt want to bring the child up.

Do you think partners should get automatic parental responsibility then?

I am guessing the answer is no. It's another situation where people expect a person to take on responsibility (and build a relationship) but have non of the protections the law would provide if the biological parent decided to stop access.

x2boys · 05/09/2019 06:48

D though knowing the circumstances it's difficult to.say ,it's an unsual.situation definitely , love how it's always the man's fault on here even if the woman was to blame some people on here will.twist it round Hmm

slipperywhensparticus · 05/09/2019 06:54

I have two sons the refuse to go to their dads to get one on one time with me