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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going on holiday without the kids

65 replies

Cindy55 · 04/09/2019 17:29

I have three kids under five, and I’ve posted previously on how difficult I’m finding motherhood.

My DM has gifted me money to go on a holiday, it’s her way of saying I’m not supporting you with your kids but il send you on a nice break. My DM isn’t maternal and she dislikes kids, her mantra is that she’s done her time raising kids and now she’s living her life. I’m fine with this, I don’t ask her for support and she barely visits us, I accepted this a long time ago.

I’ve booked a week in Turkey with my friend, I’m really looking forward to it especially as I hardly get to see my friend and I get to sleep!

My husband isn’t hands on with the children and he doesn’t support me, lately he’s trying to change before I have a complete breakdown. He’s agreed to look after the kids all by himself for a week, he’s got no problem with this and he’s offering me spending money. I think he feels guilty and he is trying to make up for it.

My FIL has found out and he is having a go at me, how can a mother leave a baby for a week. My DS is nine months, he will be fine with his dad for a week but now they’ve said I’m a bad mother. My mil even asked won’t I miss my kids? My friends said they could never leave their baby and go abroad for a whole week. Of course il miss the children but I need this desperately.

Am I selfish for wanting a week to myself? Or a bad mother?

OP posts:
dontcallmeduck · 04/09/2019 17:32

Lots of parents do it. Your children will be fine and you’ll probably come back rested and even more ready to be aren’t again.

However I’ve never been able to leave for more than 2 nights and that was when my youngest was 5.

There’s no right or wrong answer just what’s right for you.

StealthPussy · 04/09/2019 17:37

No you are not selfish or a bad mother. It will do you all good. You will recharge and be better able to deal with life when you get back. He will realise how hard you work and will bond more with the kids. Win win. Ignore the judgemental people. They are jealous. Go and have a good time.

Ylvamoon · 04/09/2019 17:43

I couldn't leave baby for a whole week, but everyone to their own.
However I have been on 3-5 day holidays without the kids since youngest turned 5.
Just do what is comfortable, if you need a break, go for it!

inwood · 04/09/2019 17:45

Your baby will be fine. Tbh a week would be too much for me, and I'm pretty unmaternal but if it works for you crack on and have some lovely sleep!

Mrsjayy · 04/09/2019 17:48

I think I may have read some posts by you before and you are on your knees go on holiday it is booked and it is feck all to do with your fil or any body else what you do.

LongtimeLurker29 · 04/09/2019 17:48

I would do it if I could get a babysitter for a week!

If you need the break then it will do you good!

OtraCosaMariposa · 04/09/2019 17:49

GO GO GO and have a FABULOUS TIME.

You did not stop being you the moment you pushed a baby out of your uterus. You have just as much right to have a week of rest and relaxation as anyone else.

Ignore all the "oooooh I couldn't possibly leave my baby for that long" bollocks. Congratulate yourself on having well-adjusted kids who know that mum will be back, that they are loved and that they are safe and secure. Not being able to leave your kids isn't about them, it's about the mother.

Can I come too?

TheFastandCurious · 04/09/2019 17:49

If you were the father no other father would be saying, ‘oh my god I couldn’t leave MY baby for a week.’

Nobody would be calling you a bad father.

Nobody would bat an eyelid at baby being left with just mum for the week.

No wonder so many mums break. We are expected to be martyrs. We are judged at every turn. So what if someone else wouldn’t leave their baby? That’s irrelevant. Perhaps they are not struggling as much as you.

If you want to go, go. Enjoy it. Take a break. Screw what anyone else thinks. Unless they are bringing up the baby with you they get no say. And as the other person raising the baby is happy for you to go then for the love of god go!

Enjoy 😉

MaryShelley1818 · 04/09/2019 17:50

You are absolutely not selfish.
You can’t be a good mother and look after your children if you don’t first look after yourself xx

I went away for 4 days when DS was 5mths old. He was with his father, who is an equal parent. Funnily enough no one batted an eyelid that DH was away with work frequently for a week at a time.
My DS is my world, I absolutely adore him, but I had a lovely time and came back totally refreshed xx

Mrsjayy · 04/09/2019 17:51

Are you meant to struggle on no support from them till you have a breakdown is that what the expect ? Giving you money is your mother's way of helping yes it would be nice if she helped a bit but ...

JudgeRindersMinder · 04/09/2019 17:54

Your FIL needs to butt the fuck out. I’ve been at the point of breaking that you’re at, and I’d have been on a plane without a 2nd thought if I could have left the kids with their dad.

Go away and have a fabulous break with your friend. You’ll miss the kids, but you’ll look forward to seeing them again, and maybe just maybe your dh will realise what you have on your plate with 3 young kids!

feathermucker · 04/09/2019 17:56

It doesn't matter what other people would or would not do.

It is your choice entirely and, hell NO, it does not make you a bad mother. How dare they?!

MrsL2016 · 04/09/2019 17:57

Exactly what @TheFastandCurious said. I went on a girls week to Portugal earlier this year for 5 days and I loved every minute. I missed my DS (1) a lot but knew my DH was taking great care of him. It was just what I needed.

Praiseyou · 04/09/2019 18:01

Ignore all the martyry patronising "I couldn't do it, but if you will be able to enjoy yourself *sniff sniff"
comments. Women talk all day long about supporting each other but when it comes down to it, they have to rain on someone else's parade to make themselves feel superior.

Before your in-laws gave their unwanted opinions, you were happy with your decision. Their opinion shouldn't change that.

Have they been admonishing their own son for not supporting you and not caring for his own children? I suspect not.

You are absolutely right to take care of yourself.

Trickedia · 04/09/2019 18:02

Yes go! Do not feel in the slightest bit guilty. We spend so much time thinking about our children’s well being we so often neglect our own. I bet a dad wouldn’t get the same stick you’re getting. Your husband will appreciate how hard looking after 3 under 5 is & hopefully step up more when you’re back & you will come back a happier, healthier mum. Enjoy yourself!

killerkoala · 04/09/2019 18:03

I agree with your FIL personally, sorry, and if you found motherhood so difficult why did you have more children with such a small age gap? 🤷🏼‍♀️

coffeeforone · 04/09/2019 18:03

I would absolutely leave my kids (3.5 and 10 months) with DH (their father!) for a week without much second thought. He has worked away for a week at a time too - it's fine as long as one parent is there IMO

I'd feel a bit guilty leaving with anyone else for that long if we both went away but we have done the odd weekend together and left with GPs and they've been fine.

TheFastandCurious · 04/09/2019 18:04

Women talk all day long about supporting each other but when it comes down to it, they have to rain on someone else's parade to make themselves feel superior

Bang on. And I also bet my bottom dollar they haven’t ever called their son a ‘bad father’ for being so uninvolved thus far.

Sexism is alive and well and it’s causing so many mums to break.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/09/2019 18:08

I think a week is a long time for such a young baby. Would you not be better having a couple of shorter breaks?

LagunaBubbles · 04/09/2019 18:11

think a week is a long time for such a young baby

The baby will be with their own Father. Hmm

Mrsjayy · 04/09/2019 18:13

So the poster who thinks the op is a bad mother what do you suggest she does ?

leomama81 · 04/09/2019 18:14

Loads of wonderful mothers have done this. You are leaving them with their father, not a stranger. If he was going away for a week no one would bat an eye.

Ignore the judgmental crap from others - it's either a) they are jealous because they can't do this or b) it's oneupmanship and they genuinely believe they are helping their children by never leaving their side. And they are wrong on that.

SimonJT · 04/09/2019 18:14

Go for it, I’m planning a holiday in January for a week, my son will stay with my cousin and he’ll be fine. He’ll probably be gutted when I get back as he’ll miss being so spoiled!

Crissy83 · 04/09/2019 18:14

Ignore all the martyry patronising "I couldn't do it, but if you will be able to enjoy yourself *sniff sniff"
comments

Yes!!

BigFatLiar · 04/09/2019 18:20

If you were ill and in hospital then you OH would have to cope for however long it was, a few days even weeks.
I think the only issue of being away is in your head, how you feel being away from the baby. A week away may seem a bit strange to you but may do you good in terms of having a break and speaking with another adult.
Perhaps having the child for a week will help your husband understand what its like to be looking after a child and become more supportive in future.

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