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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going on holiday without the kids

65 replies

Cindy55 · 04/09/2019 17:29

I have three kids under five, and I’ve posted previously on how difficult I’m finding motherhood.

My DM has gifted me money to go on a holiday, it’s her way of saying I’m not supporting you with your kids but il send you on a nice break. My DM isn’t maternal and she dislikes kids, her mantra is that she’s done her time raising kids and now she’s living her life. I’m fine with this, I don’t ask her for support and she barely visits us, I accepted this a long time ago.

I’ve booked a week in Turkey with my friend, I’m really looking forward to it especially as I hardly get to see my friend and I get to sleep!

My husband isn’t hands on with the children and he doesn’t support me, lately he’s trying to change before I have a complete breakdown. He’s agreed to look after the kids all by himself for a week, he’s got no problem with this and he’s offering me spending money. I think he feels guilty and he is trying to make up for it.

My FIL has found out and he is having a go at me, how can a mother leave a baby for a week. My DS is nine months, he will be fine with his dad for a week but now they’ve said I’m a bad mother. My mil even asked won’t I miss my kids? My friends said they could never leave their baby and go abroad for a whole week. Of course il miss the children but I need this desperately.

Am I selfish for wanting a week to myself? Or a bad mother?

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/09/2019 18:21

The baby will be with their own Father. hmm

Who the OP admits isn’t very hands on and presumably doesn’t have much of a bond.

I’ve had to send time away from my babies/toddlers when I’ve been in hospital. DH has had to spend time away with work. It’s very unsettling for babies. They don’t know what’s going on, it distressing for them.

I get that the OP is at the end of her rope, I just don’t think going away for a week will necessarily solve anything. She might be better using the money to buy some childcare once a week.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/09/2019 18:23

And this is AIBU, if the OP doesn’t want a range of opinions, she shouldn’t be posting on here.

Drum2018 · 04/09/2019 18:24

Shower of fuckers. Tell them it's better you take a week away than end up 6 foot under from the stress you've been under. Your Dh is on board. Nobody else's opinion matters one bit. I'd have no hesitation telling them all to fuck off and mind their own business.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 04/09/2019 18:24

So you'd be a "better" and less selfish mother if you struggled on, knowing you were struggling and close to breakdown, but too guilty to change anything, than if you were proactive and took positive steps to look after your own health? (Mental and physical)

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Go. Absolutely go. (I had three under five at one point and would happily have left them if offered a holiday, I wouldn't even have stopped to pack a bag Wink)

Also, love how people are judging and castigating you (yes, even the well I couldn't do it but you go types) yet totally ignoring this

"My husband isn’t hands on with the children and he doesn’t support me, lately he’s trying to change before I have a complete breakdown."

Perhaps people who want to judge some shit parenting should start with the father instead of OP who is struggling and still doing her best.

I hope you enjoy the break and it gives you a bit of space to make things easier, plus it will probably be the best thing you can do to make your H step up and be a better parent and spouse.

PS. take the offered spending money too.

Benes · 04/09/2019 18:25

You are not selfish or a bad mother. Does your FiL's opinion stretch to both parents or is it just women who aren't allowed to leave their children??

He's being unreasonable. Go and enjoy yourself.

countrygirl99 · 04/09/2019 18:28

Your baby will be with one of his parents. Just like he is when your DH oscar work. Go and come back refreshed.

countrygirl99 · 04/09/2019 18:28

Oscar? Is at

Carrotcakeforbreakfast · 04/09/2019 18:31

Go and enjoy yourself. You're leaving them with their father... who will have to learn to be more hands on rather than letting you pick up the slack

Ignore the " I couldn't do it" posters.
They remind me of Helen Lovejoy from the Simpsons " won't somebody please think of the children"

I've not been away without mine but not because I wouldn't, because I haven't had the opportunity other than work.
In fact I went to Saudi for 5 nights with work last year with a single childless female and a Male who has 4 children. He looked at me one evening and said " I find it strange when mothers leave their children and go away overnight, don't you feel guilty?
I kid you not.
What a prick Hmm

MyDcAreMarvel · 04/09/2019 18:31

I wouldn’t leave a nine month old to go on holiday for a week. You are your babies primary carer.

Thehouseintheforest · 04/09/2019 18:36

I ABSOLUTELY would (and did) leave 3 under 5 , one of whom was a 6 month old baby. I went for a week and dad (who wasn't hands on) soon became very much more appreciative of what motherhood is all about .

Best choice I ever made.

MozzchopsThirty · 04/09/2019 18:36

Not selfish at all

Currently I have about 6 holidays a year
One I take the dcs
The other five with my boyfriend

Do I fuck feel guilty

mindutopia · 04/09/2019 18:39

No, that sounds wonderful. Go and enjoy! I go on holiday every year by myself if I can - not for a week as I can’t spare that much annual leave, but this year I’m going for 3/4 days. I’ve been away for 2 weeks before working.

It was a lovely time for my dh with our dc. Everyone survived. I had a great time.

Tumbleweed101 · 04/09/2019 18:42

Having a break gives you much needed breathing room and a chance to sleep/relax. You’ll start to miss them and enjoy them more when you get home too. Easier to see what changes might need to be made to make life easier when you’ve had a bit of distance.

SRK16 · 04/09/2019 19:06

I think it’s fine, if you are happy to go then you should do it! It’s not like you’re leaving baby with a random person. You sound like you need a break and it will do you all some good.
Enjoy yourself x

chinateapot · 04/09/2019 19:08

I hope you have a lovely lovely time Flowers

AE18 · 04/09/2019 19:12

The fact that you say your husband is having to help out more so you don't have a mental breakdown is just why you should go.

You have been doing all the leg work and deserve a break, not to mention your husband should have a reality check in parenting and your kids would benefit from proper attention from him and a happy, refreshed mother.

relax2 · 04/09/2019 19:15

Your FIl is probably half the reason your DH is crap with the kids!! Go and enjoy yourself, you deserve it :)

speakout · 04/09/2019 19:22

I wouldn't go because I would be fretting about whether my kids were OK- especially as the OPs OH does not seem the best at caring for the kids.

Also the week will be over in a flash, OP will probaby come back to chaos and within a few days feel no benefit from the break.

I would use the money in other ways, a few hours of babysitting here and there, a few deep cleans of the house, a couple of nights out, some takeaways, some massage.

user1496146479 · 04/09/2019 19:29

I would go, enjoy the break & recharge. DC will then benefit from your being energised.
I've had to leave my kids for periods (mainly for work) all were fine & I enjoyed them even more when I got back!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/09/2019 19:33

Speak is right. Odds on the OP will come back to chaos; laundry not done, no food in, house messy and grumpy out of routine kids. Any destressing she gets from the holiday will soon disappear.

When I had to be in hospital my baby threw an absolute sulky wobbler and refused to even look at me for days afterwards. It was very distressing.

Bouledeneige · 04/09/2019 19:33

It sounds like it won't just be good for you but for your DH too. He can bond with the children and learn how hard it is. It should be a real eye opener for him and good for the kids too to see that they can enjoy kindness and care from someone other than you. He will do it all in a different way to you - that's good too.

I remember my dear Ma saying to me 'but who will look after the children?' when I was going for a weekend with my school friends and my kids were wee. Their father obviously! (She never looked after my kids either). Just because other generations did not trust men to care for their own progeny it doesn't mean we should infantilise them too. And to do so we need to remove our martyrish assumptions that only we can do it well.

You need a break - you know it. Your mum knows it as does your partner. Take it. Your kids deserve a mother who is well.

Nappyvalley15 · 04/09/2019 19:36

Go and enjoy!
Don't worry if you feel a little guilty. That is natural. I would feel guilty until I hit the champagne at the departure lounge and then I would realise that this is the best thing to do for everyone concerned. I haven't seen your other thread but if you are on your knees then a week's holiday is well deserved. Look after yourself. Your kids will be fine with their dad and you can always Skype them. It will be good for them to be looked after by him for a change.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/09/2019 19:39

I couldn’t leave them that little and I would feel very selfish fo having a week away knowing DH couldn’t and was having to take annual leave to facilitate it. Why can’t you go as a family and share the parenting so both get a break not just one?

Passtherioja · 04/09/2019 19:49

You'll miss them but they'll be fine!! I've been holidaying once a year without my children for 8 years and it's hard the first couple of times but then it gets easier...the key is to do it every year so everyone gets used to it!! Enjoy x

TheNoodlesIncident · 04/09/2019 20:09

This holiday is simply a period of respite. Lots of parents take advantage of respite and nobody says to them "But how can you be away from the kid(s)".

OP needs a break. Her OH who knows her firmly believes it's desperately important for her. Hopefully he will be more prepared to muck in more when she gets back recharged.

Ensure your own oxygen mask is in place before assisting others, etc etc.