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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that our sex life will improve

68 replies

Kidsrock28 · 04/09/2019 12:04

Nc for this as active on here regularly. I won’t drag it out but bf of 1year+ and I have a shit sex life . He has very low libido .he says there are medical issues but hasn’t and won’t explore . I have attempted to seduce him in so many different ways but nothing works .my drive is high . There is intimacy in cuddles and hugs and deep talks but sexually I am frustrated . Hope it’s not tmi but he doesn’t get turned on much and never first thing in the morning which I find odd ..he says he doesn’t have spontaneous erections ever .he is happy not to have sex at all . I miss it. Any Hope here? Is it ever enough to have emotionally and physical intimacy but it sexual ? Can it work? I am a frustrated 28 year old .

OP posts:

Original poster

Kidsrock28 · 04/09/2019 12:06

There aren’t medical issues

OP posts:

Windydaysuponus · 04/09/2019 12:07

Unless he is willing to seek medical help you are flogging a dead horse -
He isn't committed to making the relationship work if he won't imo.

ADUTT7 · 04/09/2019 12:10

Not In this case. You will have to end it and start again with someone you are more compatible with

managedmis · 04/09/2019 12:13

Walk away

Babdoc · 04/09/2019 12:14

OP, he doesn’t sound at all motivated to seek treatment, or much bothered about the effect on you. He may be asexual, a porn addict, or gay and in denial. It doesn’t really matter which.
I’d cut your losses and find a more sexually compatible partner.

MrsPellegrinoPetrichor · 04/09/2019 12:14

I'd walk away,very unlikely to get better as he's clearly not interested in getting checked out and improving things.

RushianDisney · 04/09/2019 12:16

Dump. It will only get worse and ruin your self esteem.

Original poster

Kidsrock28 · 04/09/2019 12:19

This is the problem for sure. He won’t get checked and says he happy but I am still here still in love and don’t want to leave as he is fantastic in other ways

OP posts:

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/09/2019 12:21

Sorry I dont think it will get better. Why would it change? Only circumstances i would think things would get better, would be if he was going through a rough time eg bereavement or redundancy that means he might feel differently when he came out the other side, or a medical issue which could be treated.
It sounds like he just doesn't enjoy sex.
Unless there are issues like historic abuse that he can unpick then I dont think it will improve.
Sorry.

Original poster

Kidsrock28 · 04/09/2019 12:23

So there is nothing I can do?

OP posts:

SamStephens · 04/09/2019 12:24

How can he claim it’s a medical issue if he won’t get it checked?! If he’s always been like this walk away, it won’t improve and he’s considering his needs (or lack thereof) above yours and what the fuck is the point in that? Sex and intimacy aren’t the be all and end all of a relationship but it sure is a deal breaker if someone isn’t happy and the other party doesn’t care to make an effort surely.

AmIThough · 04/09/2019 12:26

Have you told him how much it's affecting you?

How often do you have sex? Is it always when he initiates it?

Cath2907 · 04/09/2019 12:27

Of course there is nothing you can do. The penis is attached to him! He needs to accept it is a problem and then seek help for the problem. It may be that it is not medical and he is in fact gay or asexual in which case there is no treatment that will make him want to have sex with you more. If it is an erectile dysfunction issue (which seems more likely if he doesn't get a bit of morning glory) then HE needs to want to seek help from the GP. You can't force him.

The best you can do is say "no sex life, no relationship". If he wants you he needs to sort out his dick otherwise you will leave him and look for someone more compatible.

FlashAHHHH · 04/09/2019 12:29

Does he enjoy blow jobs, hand jobs? Does he enjoy doing things to you?
Is penetrative sex the problem or is it all sex?

SarahTancredi · 04/09/2019 12:30

Life is too short for this. If he wont seek medical help hes either happy to stay like this or hes actually lying and doesnt know how to tell you he just doesn't want sex with you.

That's up to him. Obviously you cant force someone to have or to want sex. But clearly sexually you are.just incompatible.

I'd walk away tbh.

Whenaretheholidaysover · 04/09/2019 12:33

There’s nothing you can do if he doesn’t want to do anything about it himself.

Bunglefromrainbow · 04/09/2019 12:35

I guess you need to discuss what is realistic and what would help you.

I (male) had a period many years ago where my libido disappeared and I had some ED issues, it was only a couple of months but I was in a very sexual relationship (It was medical, don't know why I feel the need to say this to a stranger but hey ho). I performed when I was able and the rest of the time we agreed to sensual touching etc and me going down on my partner.

This meant we had the closeness and she was able to orgasm with me there rather than on her own.

No it's not PIV sex which I get is a big thing but it was "sex" and my medical condition didn't affect my tongue.

If it's just PIV that he won't do regular and that's a deal breaker to you then it's up to him to resolve or for you to move on I'm afraid. Good luck.

Original poster

Kidsrock28 · 04/09/2019 12:39

Ok to answer some questions. He never begins anything. In fact if we are getting steamy kissing and I am getting into it, he will pull away. He doesn’t ‘do’ morning sex ( my favourite ) he doesn’t like womens anatomy . He didn’t say it but I know by the face gestures he makes . Hand jobs don’t work. He’s not hot on blow jobs either. He like boobs though but I think he is reluctant to do anything to me as he feels it might lead to something more . He doesn’t masturbate as he doesn’t feel urges . Hates porn . I think he just doesn’t like sex or the messiness if it and if on the rare occasion it is possible, it’s over before it’s started almost

OP posts:

walksen · 04/09/2019 12:43

I take it he is not on anti depressants? These can reduce libido, make it harder to get hard and almost impossible to finish. This can be very embarrassing and frustrating which might lead to avoidance.

Has he had his testosterone level checked?

AndBeholdAWhiteHorse · 04/09/2019 12:48

It sounds like he may be a-sexual or something similar. I don't know much about it but he sounds similar to one of my friends. He just doesn't "get it". He is happy how he is and he is single.

Long term the rejection could cause you to have very low self esteem. I have seen this happen and tbf at 28 you shouldn't give up on a sex life.

AlexaAmbidextra · 04/09/2019 12:50

Why do you think it will change? Where’s his incentive to seek help? He’s not bothered and you’re still there.

Original poster

Kidsrock28 · 04/09/2019 12:53

Not on antidepressants and has t had testosterone checked . I want kids

OP posts:

Original poster

Kidsrock28 · 04/09/2019 12:58

He tell me anyhow ? He hasn’t had a visit to his gp about this

OP posts:

TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 04/09/2019 12:58

I could've written your post a few months ago, same age & everything. Ex-DP was under a lot of stress but refused to address it plus or look at other issues until it was too late, essentially. No sex unless I initiated & it felt like a duty on his part. It had a disastrous effect on me, my confidence and my connection with the sexual side of myself. Honestly? I'd say leave now before he has a real, lasting impact on you, because it sounds like he's getting you down. Also- those cuddles he still wants, does he spoon you? Hold you? Hug you back? Or are you just there for his support and for him to lean on?

You do sound like you mighy
Fwiw I am kind of seeing someone now and he is incredibly patient, but it's hard.

TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 04/09/2019 12:59

*might have different wants, needs and desires, too- which is a separate compatibility issue.

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