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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that our sex life will improve

68 replies

Kidsrock28 · 04/09/2019 12:04

Nc for this as active on here regularly. I won’t drag it out but bf of 1year+ and I have a shit sex life . He has very low libido .he says there are medical issues but hasn’t and won’t explore . I have attempted to seduce him in so many different ways but nothing works .my drive is high . There is intimacy in cuddles and hugs and deep talks but sexually I am frustrated . Hope it’s not tmi but he doesn’t get turned on much and never first thing in the morning which I find odd ..he says he doesn’t have spontaneous erections ever .he is happy not to have sex at all . I miss it. Any Hope here? Is it ever enough to have emotionally and physical intimacy but it sexual ? Can it work? I am a frustrated 28 year old .

OP posts:
Original poster
Kidsrock28 · 04/09/2019 13:07

Sometimes i
Get the feeling that he loves the emotional closeness and the physical closeness but definitely not any sexual closemess. I enjoy
That too but I don’t know if it’s enough and my friend said if it’s bad now ,think of what it will be like on 5 years time or if
we want to have a baby together . To have a baby we would need lots of sex I’m guessing so that upsets me

OP posts:
Theredjellybean · 04/09/2019 13:11

You're very young... I lived for yrs like this, had no intimacy at all last 10 yrs of marriage.
My dexh.. Is gay.
I wish I'd had courage to leave earlier for me and him

TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 04/09/2019 13:12

With cuddles though- do you get snuggled and spooned and held and loved, or just him? If you're constantly being used to give hugs etc but don't get hugged back, you're not really getting a cuddle.

Original poster
Kidsrock28 · 04/09/2019 13:16

No he hugs me and spoons into me very tightly . He needs lots of physical attention . It can be quite suffocating sometimes

OP posts:
TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 04/09/2019 13:22

It sounds like it's for his benefit though, not yours?

Original poster
Kidsrock28 · 04/09/2019 13:29

Do you think so? He is a very huggy person with everyone he’s close to. Maybe he needs a lot of physical touch and that satisfies him? His hugs are claustrophobic sometimes .

OP posts:
Gustavo1 · 04/09/2019 13:30

I’m sorry but I don’t see this as something that can improve. If you want the sexual intimacy that he doesn’t crave or enjoy, you simply won’t get it. You can’t change how he feels and, I think eventually you will stop enjoying the sex you do have as it will feel like he is doing a duty rather than enjoying the intimacy.
I just don’t believe this can or will improve.

Isadora2007 · 04/09/2019 13:33

Seek sexual relations therapy with a qualified practitioner. Relate should have them or be able to refer you on. If he won’t go then there is your answer, and no the relationship won’t work out.

Original poster
Kidsrock28 · 04/09/2019 13:38

He won’t go but thanks

OP posts:
AmIThough · 04/09/2019 13:50

Things definitely won't change then OP. I'm sorry but you need to speak to him. Either things change or you accept your relationship for what it is.

TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 04/09/2019 13:56

If he won't go... you've got your answer, I think. I'm sorry. Leave before he impacts your sense of yourself. Take it from someone being put back together by a very patient man and looking up sex therapists.

livefornaps · 04/09/2019 13:57

Has he ever brought you to orgasm?

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 04/09/2019 14:01

So basically, you're asking "my boyfriend has very little interest in sex. This isnt something he sees as a problem, and has no interest in changing it. How can I make him change, even though he he doesn't want to?"

OP, I'm afraid you can't change him. All you can decide is whether you want to stay with him, knowing that the relationship will be intimate but not sexual.

Original poster
Kidsrock28 · 04/09/2019 14:01

I haveorgasmed with him but really it was more mind over matter. It doesn’t take much especially when it’s so rare

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 04/09/2019 14:07

I think you need to either accept little to no sex or move on

ahughes20 · 04/09/2019 14:09

Have you tried googling "Reddit dead bedrooms". That's a great subreddit for this exact situation and you'll see lots of women are in your position (as well as men). I have had relationships like this and they're horrendous - they can really cause your self esteem to take a huge blow.

To be brutally honest, he won't change and suddenly give you the sex life you want. I'd understand if your DP was tired a few nights a week (work related stress really affects my DHs libido), but this just seems like a man who doesn't actually really like sex.

I'm not sure how serious your relationship is, but you have to strongly consider that this will more than likely not get better. Is this something you can see yourself living with for the rest of your life?

formerbabe · 04/09/2019 14:13

You haven't been together that long and you're still young....walk away now and move on. He won't change.

DoomsdayCult · 04/09/2019 14:17

He’s probably asexual. No your sex life will not improve. If you can’t love him without the sex, then just cut him loose.

LemonBreeland · 04/09/2019 14:19

Your sex life could improve if you'd had a good sex life to begin with and then a drop, but since you've never had a good sex life then I think you are seriously flogging a dead horse. You are not compatible.

Wallywobbles · 04/09/2019 14:25

Dead horse territory I'm afraid. Unless you are both 16 it's downhill all the way from here.

Branleuse · 04/09/2019 14:27

It sounds like he is asexual. I dont think you can work with that to be honest. Maybe youd be better as friends, or negotiating an open relationship?
There is no shame in needing an active and healthy normal sex life though. I think if you choose to stay with him, you will be frustrated forever. This can have major effects on your self esteem

livefornaps · 04/09/2019 14:29

Oh god, bin him

Skittlenommer · 04/09/2019 14:59

He sounds asexual. You’re not sexually compatible I’d say it’s over!

Branleuse · 04/09/2019 15:24

Its as likely to work as a homosexual having a relationship with the opposite sex. Its a basic and fundamental incompatibility. Its not a failing on either part, but him wanting a non-sexual companionship is quite a big ask of someone with a normal healthy sex drive.
I dont see why you should have to give up such a huge joyful part of life for the sake of one man.

LenoVintura · 04/09/2019 15:34

He's gay and in denial. He doesn't want medical attention or counselling because he doesn't want to face it. Leave him.