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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend being insensitive or me being over sensitive?

73 replies

FriendMind · 04/09/2019 10:24

I have a friend with a same age ds both of whom have just got GCSE results. I've known them since both boys were tiny.

My ds is quite vulnerable and has special needs. He had some pretty shit times in the education system and towards the end it was just amazing that he was still in school at all.

Her ds is a straight A student, has always found academics easy and was lucky enough to be able to afford a top prep school through to a selective grammar.

My ds did really poorly at GCSEs which was not unexpected, so poorly that his sixth form who said he could stay refused to take him following a change of head.

Every conversation or message I've had from friend since results day is how wonderful her son is and how amazing he has done and how the world is his oyster but it's a shame they can't be all straight A students like her son (I agree) but its always followed again by how he got all 9s, how he is the top scorer from his prep school, how the world is his oyster now. How he has achieved above anyone at his grammar school. How he can literally do anything with his life now.

I'm genuinely really pleased for him. He's a lovely lad but the constant messages and talk of how everything is going to be wonderful for him is getting me (and ds when he has been there) down a bit if I'm honest.

I'm prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable and over sensitive.

OP posts:

MrsNotNice · 04/09/2019 10:26

I think she is insensitive. But then again I’ve been called oversensitive.

Some people are just inconsiderate. Does she have form for not being emotionally empathetic?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 04/09/2019 10:27

Fucking hell she sounds insufferable! Who on earth brags like that? Does she not speak to humans regularly? That’s not how normal people behave. I bet she’s plastered the same shite all over Facebook too?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2019 10:28

YANBU. It’s great her son has done well and of course she’s proud but it sounds like she’s becoming a complete bore and while you’re good enough to celebrate her happiness, as your friend she should be equally supportive of the disappointment you and your son are experiencing. Friendship should be a two way street and she’s letting you down here.

2cats2many · 04/09/2019 10:29

You aren't being over sensitive and she needs to wind her neck in. Even if your son was a straight A student too, I'm sure you would be sick of her carry on by now.

It's great to be pleased for them and feel proud of them, but they aren't her results. They're his. She needs to cut the bragging now.

TixieLix · 04/09/2019 10:30

YANBU. Your friend has a right to feel proud of what her DS has achieved, but she should also be sensitive to the fact other children have not achieved the same. No one likes a boaster, especially if she is spouting off to that degree. Unfortunately not all children are academic or suited to the system of being rated by end of year exams (my own eldest DD included). I'm sure your DS will find something that suits his own abilities - maybe something more vocational? - and you sound like a very supportive mother who will help and guide him along the way.

Whitejasmine · 04/09/2019 10:34

No you’re not over-sensitive - your ‘friend’ sounds awful!
Also she is deluded if she things straight A’s mean her son will never struggle in life and the ‘world is his oyster’. I know oxford graduates who can’t find decent jobs. Being academic doesn’t automatically equal success!

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 04/09/2019 10:34

I think sometimes people get carried away with how pleased there are. Hopefully it ill die down soon. It does sound very insensitive. At the same time I think she shouldn't have to hide how proud she is about his achievement.

I received an award for something several years ago and I always remember how unpleasant a friend was as she'd not reached the same level. It was quite an achievement for me and I should have been able to enjoy my success.

Windydaysuponus · 04/09/2019 10:36

Bet your ds has got a nicer dm though...

ShadyLady53 · 04/09/2019 10:37

“Haha, yes it’s really great that he has achieved so much and that you are proud. Let’s hope he inherits your modesty too ”

She sounds bloody awful.

Reallynowdear · 04/09/2019 10:38

She's being insensitive. She has every right to be proud of her son however she isn't giving anyone else a passing thought which is unfortunate.

Howlovely · 04/09/2019 10:40

Urgh what a bore. I think I'd have to just start ignoring her messages. Who can be bothered with that. She's being really insensitive. Having different or difficult circumstances absolutely doesn't mean you can't celebrate other's joy and be happy for them but this bombardment is absurd and ridiculous. I'm guessing her whole life revolves around her son and her life is otherwise empty. Sad woman.

Chitarra · 04/09/2019 10:40

She is being insensitive. I hope your DS finds his path

WhatsMyPassword · 04/09/2019 10:41

She's just proud of her son.

What arrangements have you made for your lad? what will he be doing for college? have you found somewhere he will enjoy ?

Loopytiles · 04/09/2019 10:43

Bragging about DC’s is never good, and bragging to you in particular, at this difficult time, suggests she’s self-absorbed and insensitive, at best.

fishonabicycle · 04/09/2019 10:44

She is being pretty insensitive. Just remember each GCSE her son got cost them about £10,000 in school fees. Your boy is your priority - ignore her bragging.

CalmdownJanet · 04/09/2019 10:45

I think even besides the differences in your sons that would piss me off. One text to say he did great, she is proud and excited for his future yada yada, fine, more than one/two messages is overkill to anyone else but the parent anyway. She sounds annoying

Tonnerre · 04/09/2019 10:46

Yes, she's very insensitive.

Off the point, but does your son have an EHCP naming the school? If so, refusing to allow him into the sixth form isn't an option.

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2019 10:47

If she is really doing it to this extent then it sounds cruel at worst, lacking in empathy at best.

Is she really doing it to this extent?

PleasedToSeeYou · 04/09/2019 10:47

I don't think you are being sensitive. I know children who have sailed through exams but once they hit a problem they don't cope well because they have never experienced failure. Be happy for her, this is her moment to be proud
It's swings and roundabouts

maslinpan · 04/09/2019 10:47

How would she react if you say something like, I am glad your DS did so well, but we are really struggling with my DS's results, so at the moment it feels as if you are rubbing salt in the wound? Does she actually know the detail of your son's situation? You would be justified in saying something to her to stop the bragging, it sounds boring as well as insensitive.

StroppyWoman · 04/09/2019 10:48

It's nice he did well and she's proud, but it sounds she's really being an insufferable arse about it. Gloating, especially to a friend whose DS is in a very different position, is really lousy behaviour.

Ellisandra · 04/09/2019 10:48

Depends whether the constant messages really are constant, or you’re being over sensitive to every reference even when it’s not unreasonable.

I think if she told you about 9s on results day, that’s fine. If, say, a week on she found out he had the top results in his school - also OK, new info that she’s proud of.

However, if every day for a week she was texting “OMG ALL 9s!!!!” then she’s so insensitive that if drop her.

ThatCurlyGirl · 04/09/2019 10:48

She sounds like a dick. At best she's thoughtless rather than smug / uncaring. I could understand if she sent one message like that then thought oh shit that was stupid of me, so to then carry on is incredible insensitive and like I said, dickish.

Ellisandra · 04/09/2019 10:49

Just re-read: some of this boasting has been in front of your son?!
Ditch the bitch.

OtraCosaMariposa · 04/09/2019 10:50

Fucking hell she sounds insufferable! Who on earth brags like that?

One of the Mums at DS's school is JUST like that. Horrid woman. Her daughter is bright and was predicted all A grades, despite that she organised a tutor for every subject and timetabled every second of the poor girl's life.

DS is in the same classes as this girl and doing the same exams, but because of horrendous handwriting and borderline dyspraxia, he does his exams on the computer rather than in the hall with the rest of them. Met this awful woman in the local shop on the results day and she was all "Oooooh my "Sophie" got all A grades, she's so clever, medicine schools will be falling over themselves to have her, she's so smart, all the investment was worth it, yadda yadda yadda". Then she asked how my DS did and her exact words were "How did "Jack" do considering he couldn't manage to sit the exams in the hall with the rest of them?"

In fact, he did just as well as her darling daughter. She was most put out when I just said "fine", made my excuses and left.

For some mothers everything is a competition. Not every child is academic and exams are not the be all and end all. Hope your child has a plan for the future OP and finds something which makes him happy.

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