Friend being insensitive or me being over sensitive?

[FriendMind]

I have a friend with a same age ds both of whom have just got GCSE results. I've known them since both boys were tiny.

My ds is quite vulnerable and has special needs. He had some pretty shit times in the education system and towards the end it was just amazing that he was still in school at all.

Her ds is a straight A student, has always found academics easy and was lucky enough to be able to afford a top prep school through to a selective grammar.

My ds did really poorly at GCSEs which was not unexpected, so poorly that his sixth form who said he could stay refused to take him following a change of head.

Every conversation or message I've had from friend since results day is how wonderful her son is and how amazing he has done and how the world is his oyster but it's a shame they can't be all straight A students like her son (I agree) but its always followed again by how he got all 9s, how he is the top scorer from his prep school, how the world is his oyster now. How he has achieved above anyone at his grammar school. How he can literally do anything with his life now.

I'm genuinely really pleased for him. He's a lovely lad but the constant messages and talk of how everything is going to be wonderful for him is getting me (and ds when he has been there) down a bit if I'm honest.

I'm prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable and over sensitive.

She sounds like a dick. Even if your son hadn’t done badly, she would be massively annoying but in the circumstances she is horribly insensitive.

It's fine to be proud of her DC but real friends don't rub stuff like that in. That's not pride, it's unkindness.

Also, at my Grammar school there were a couple of children who did really well at their GCSE's, the world was their oyster, everyone expected Nobel Prizes and the likes and they've gone on to lead very normal, humdrum lives much to their parents dismay.

You can't find all of your glory and happiness through your DC's exam results; some of it has to come from other places. Anyone whose sole conversations revolves around their DC's achievements is a pretty dull person. I'd distance myself from her and leave her braggy-messages well alone.

I'm petty. I'd stress that 'yes HE'S done so well. HE must be so proud.' Take some of that wind out of her sails.

She is very insensitive and naive. If she honestly thinks his life will be easy because he has done well at his GCSE's she is in for a big shock. One day her son will be in a class where he is not the smartest, and he will at some point have a job he feels is not quite right. I hope she is preparing him for this.

she's really insensitive.

I have ds who has just done GCSE. he did really well, we are really pleased for him.
I have a friend whose son struggled massively through year 11 due to PTSD. I know she and her husbadn were just coaxing him along to the end of the year in one peice. As she said - he can do exams at any time, at the moment I have to put his mental health first.

He made it and finished school, and we rejoiced together that he had got through. On results day I would not have dreamt of sharing ds results or crowing or anything. In fact when she asked we just said - he did well, got his sixth form place and can do the subjects he wants so he is happy.

It takes 2 seconds to think about another person's feelings. I can crow to my hearts content with dh and grandparents. No need to rub someone else's face in it

She's no sort of friend. She's a twat. And honestly, doing well at GCSE's doesn't mean her DS won't end up on drugs or wasting his life anyway. Just because people have the opportunity to do well in life, doesn't mean that they will. I'd stop being in touch with her tbh or tell her to stop harping on about it. You get it - her DS got good exam results. It's GCSE's, not rocket science.

Yes , she is insensitive. Fine to be proud of her son, as I am sure you are of yours, but mentioning his results more than once when your son has had such a tough time is not very kind.

Not over sensitive at all.
Had something similar when dd took her 11+ with a friend. Dd over the last few years has proved herself since and braggy mum has been very quiet over the summer......it’s very refreshing!
A set of grades is nothing though in my eyes. What matters is being a good person - and no set of grades can show that. Your son will also know resilience and also to cope with disappointment. And with hindsight, the ones that I was as school with hundreds of years ago? It’s ones like your son that appear to have had the most success - the ones that are adaptable and are happy to look around for their niche, and also appear to have the best work/life balance. Let’s just see what the next few years have in store, eh?

How would she react if you say something like, I am glad your DS did so well, but we are really struggling with my DS's results, so at the moment it feels as if you are rubbing salt in the wound? Does she actually know the detail of your son's situation? You would be justified in saying something to her to stop the bragging, it sounds boring as well as insensitive.

This. As parents I think we all know that another child doing something sooner/better can stoke our fears (legitimately or not). In her shoes I'd say something about DS's grades once, if you'd asked, but it wouldn't go beyond that. It's unnecessary and boastful.

YABU. Insensitive would be if she boasted about her kid in front of you once. Her going on and on about how wonderful he is makes her an absolute cunt. Unless she is totally and utterly stupid she must know how hurtful it must be for you to have to listen to her going on and on. She's a bitch, tell her to piss off.

it's a shame they can't be all straight A students like her son

She may consider herself a super-Mum, schools rarely get credit for success only blame for failure, but she knows rock-all about Statistics! What use would 100% getting A grades be in differntiating ability?

She is really bragging, and unkind and its particularly mean to do it in front of your son. It sounds like you will have to put up with this gloating until you call her out on it and ask her to stop.
In the meantime, your son has done really well to get through a tough year and to cope with the disappointment, particularly horrible of the new head to do that. Have you looked at local sixth form colleges? they often have a much much wider range of courses and a more inclusve approach. it might give him a fresh start. Try a quick look at UCAS website, its not just for uni students, they have a lot of information on sixth forms and sixth form colleges too.
This is a hurdle for your son and means he has to look for a different path, but often this can be very successful because it might be less ridgid Its not all about taking exams. I hope you can get some good advice and find something that he will flourish in. He is lucky to have such a thoughtful mother backing him to the hilt.

she found out he had the top results in his school

I found that out about my son. I never told anyone! (except my parents ).

Very insensitive of her.

Wow she's really rude and insensitive. As a mum with a child with learning difficulties I know how awful it feels wen other parents are like this.

On the other side yes the world could be his oyster but that doesn't mean he's going to take it and run with it. He could of done too well meaning he doesn't know what it's like to have to work hard and really try.

So yes the results are good but he still has to prove him self. Just because you get good results doesn't mean everything's handed to you.

She’s being insensitive.

And she’s wrong. Anything could happen to her ds. He could flunk his a levels or degree. He could develop mental health issues or another illness that limits his opportunities. He could have a top job and be really really unhappy. Let’s hope not. But they’re 16, it’s ridiculous to think their life trajectory is set in stone. It’s also really unhelpful and a lot of pressure for her DS.

Not one of my friends whose kids did their GCSE’s this year has told me what grades they got. Just ‘yes, he’s really pleased thanks’ or ‘he’s a bit disappointed’. Using dc to show off isn’t good and isn’t healthy for parent or child.

She’s being insensitive. Why is she labouring the point over and over, with you, someone who has genuine worries over your son’s education? She could do this with someone else but is choosing you.

I’d ask her why she keeps on repeating herself, you’re well aware.

YANBU. It doesn't mean that the world's his oyster, it means he's worked hard, and made a good start, but A levels are another level, and he will need to sustain the hard work. I'm not detracting from his achievement, but I know plenty of children who sailed through GCSE and then struggled at A level and/or university.

Next time she starts doing it, stop her and say how proud you are of your DS - that his achievement is far greater than most, and that he was amazing to even stay in school when he has special needs and has had such a difficult time. Explain that education and achievement are so much more than grades on a bit of paper. Repeat this until she stops being so upsetting.

She's insensitive. DS has a friend who has SEN. His friend has to try hard for every mark. DS has always been academic, read early, finds maths easy etc.

I've always made sure I find something to praise my DS's friend for. When DS passed his 11plus of course we were proud. His friend's mum asked how DS had done and we told her. But I also knew her son had done well in a football league around that time so I praised him for that. We can't all be straight A pupils.

Stupid woman. She is very insensitive. I hope you get something sorted.

Does she know about your ds’s situation right now? I hope you get something sorted. Is there a college or school around which caters better for teen kids with sen? I know there is one as my dds friend was accepted and her dd could have gone at 14 but she didn’t realise until her dd was in yr11.

She sounds awful and insensitive.

She's banging on and on about her ds's success when she knows your ds hasn't achieved as much academically. Bitch.

I'd be seriously reducing contact. Tell her to wind her neck in. See how she reacts.

You are not over sensitive. As I get older I get more intolerant of this sort of behaviour. I would just be telling her now to stop, you are happy for her son with his results, but enough about it and keep saying that 7ntil she gets the message

She's being completely insensitive. Also, she'll be in for a shock when she realises that top GCSE grades don't actually mean very much in the long term. He then needs to get top A Level grades, then go to a top university and get top grades, and get top experiences and make top contacts.. and then be lucky as hell to get a job at the end of it, because nothing's guaranteed these days.

In many cases with my group of friends, the kids who were considered "non academic" have gone on to do better, as they got an entry level job straight from school, so by the time we'd finished another 5 or more years in education, they were already higher up in their jobs.

Academic achievements are great, but those who think they are everything are in for a nasty shock.

I would hate to have a friend like her, she sounds awful.

Frightful woman. I’m sure that the lad worked hard but those results aren’t quite so stellar for someone who has taken the prep school to grammar route.

I was about to post that when I rule the world I will ban Grammar school from taking prep school pupils. Then I remembered I’m going to abolish Grammar schools

What does your DS want to do next?

Some friend!

Congratulations on getting your son through the year 🌷

I wouldn’t say she’s being insensitive, I’d say she’s being an absolute bitch.

There’s just NO need & NO excuse for her behaviour. Of course she’s proud of him & pleased for him but fucking hell, there are better audiences for her gloating. Nit to mention that GCSE’s are not opening the world’s oyster to her son, her crowing is many years and many exams and life events too early!! But that’s immaterial really

Either tell her what an insensitive —bitch— person she’s being or distance yourself. You don’t need this salt rubbed in every 5 minutes.

I really hope you & DS find somewhere that suits HIM for his next stage of schooling. IF you think that’s his current school then take it above the new Head.

But it may well be that a new opportunity would be better for him

Best of luck 🍀