Friend being insensitive or me being over sensitive?

[FriendMind]

I have a friend with a same age ds both of whom have just got GCSE results. I've known them since both boys were tiny.

My ds is quite vulnerable and has special needs. He had some pretty shit times in the education system and towards the end it was just amazing that he was still in school at all.

Her ds is a straight A student, has always found academics easy and was lucky enough to be able to afford a top prep school through to a selective grammar.

My ds did really poorly at GCSEs which was not unexpected, so poorly that his sixth form who said he could stay refused to take him following a change of head.

Every conversation or message I've had from friend since results day is how wonderful her son is and how amazing he has done and how the world is his oyster but it's a shame they can't be all straight A students like her son (I agree) but its always followed again by how he got all 9s, how he is the top scorer from his prep school, how the world is his oyster now. How he has achieved above anyone at his grammar school. How he can literally do anything with his life now.

I'm genuinely really pleased for him. He's a lovely lad but the constant messages and talk of how everything is going to be wonderful for him is getting me (and ds when he has been there) down a bit if I'm honest.

I'm prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable and over sensitive.

I suggest you start visiting further education colleges - particularly those who do vocational courses- they have all sorts of courses at different levels including pre-vocational which can give your dc extra time to gain confidence - I went with dd (years ago - she has asd & dyspraxia) dd did several courses which enabled her time to catch up & get decent qualification. Not all dc are academic & may flourish somewhere where there is opportunities for more practical skills. Check several nearby colleges ask for the Senco (or college equivalent) nb some further education colleges are more academically based. Getting good gcse's doesn't guarantee a rich & successful & happy future life - there are other roads to success - please for your own & dc sake don't compare -rejoice in their success & encourage them - this is not a criticism op - it is hard - my dc grew up to be vastly different people & I am equally proud of each of them but dd had a harder road but she is happy &that in itself is the greatest success.

I don’t consider myself remotely sensitive but people like this make my skin crawl. So very unclassy to brag to anyone let alone a friend in your situation.

I would create some distance. Say several thousand miles of metaphorical distance. And good luck to your sone with whichever direction is best for him. The world needs a mix of skills and abilities.

Unfortunately its just the way some people are, they are so wrapped up in their own lives, they don't give a toss how others feel or what others are going through. In your case, she's that thrilled with her sons achievements, (which anyone would be, but it needs putting in perspective and being aware of the effect you are having on others) your son has not even come into her head, she couldn't care less. Its a personality flaw more than a deliberate act, you will find she acts similarly when life kicks her in the teeth, no one else will matter just her and her offspring. It's hard to be friends with someone like this, they are certainly not my kind of people.

I wouldn’t ask her to stop because she is probably waiting for that reaction to confirm to herself that everyone is jealous of her darling son. Sounds pathetic and insensitive.

But what I would do is change the conversation. Perhaps to something she isn’t comfortable about:

“ sounds wonderful. I was wondering since your son is now old enough, what hobby clubs or exercises do you do .. oh sorry you don’t like talking about that it’s a sensitive subject right.” - for example if she has some sport injury and can’t do any exercise or has younger DC and has no time . Or any question that gives her overconfidence a reality check and sends her back in touch with her human side.

I wouldn’t be this nasty to people but I sometimes do think when someone is rubbing salt in someone else’s wound to that extent they deserve to have someone dwell on their vulnerabilities.

Going on the defensive will feed their behaviour because I think she knows how you feel but she thinks her feelings are more important.

However make sure she was actually gloating and repeating and it wasn’t just a one off. Is forgive a one off

I think that's very insensitive of her. It's just boasting really. I mean perhaps she doesn't mean to be - but she should think. I had a friend similar to this, every achievement her dc had was praised, anything my dc did seemed an annoyance or nothing. I praised her dc, but she never returned that. It upset my ds and we chatted about it. I put some distance between us, but in this situation perhaps it is worth having a chat with your friend?

She should be more pleased for you and expressing that - I would be. Your son clearly went through a huge amount just to take GCSEs, but did it and sat the exams. He should be made to feel proud, not have to sit for hours listening about how top marks are everything. I'd be inclined to ask if she'd mind toning it down around your ds.

A friend of mine went to a selective grammar like that and hated every minute. Says it ruined his life so don’t buy into everything you hear. Good for your friends son but saying it more than once is very insensitive and braggy. If it was me I’d say “glad things have gone well for you but we’re struggling here so please no more school/exam conversations if you still wish to remain friends” she needs a wake up call. Hope you can find the right path for your son. Top grades aren’t the be all. I’ve got top grades and zero career. My friends who got shit grades went on to be extremely successful in careers that they had a passion for such a beauty and plumbing. Most of them own their properties outright and have wealthy and healthy lives and not a single grade 9 amongst them. Unless you’re planning on being an astrophysicist or doctor what’s the point of a grade 9 really? What is your kid good at? Art? Music? Sports? Writing...find his passion.

Her saying it once would be you being over-sensitive. Her continually saying it is her being ridiculously insensitive!

I think I'd have to say "I know your DS has done really well and I'm honestly delighted for him, but could you please avoid saying anything in front of my DS. He's feeling down about his results as it is and although I know you're only saying it because of how proud you are, he feels like it's rubbing his nose in it."

She sounds very insecure. Her DS, If he’s got anything about him, will be very embarrassed.

Having great GCSE’s is terrific, but it’s her son’s achievement. She’s very foolish.

I hope your son gets through the next few weeks with a positive outcome, and finds a place where he can succeed. There’s some great options available. Much more out there than A levels that he might struggle with in an unsupportive environment.

shes insensitive. Shes allowed her moment, but this sounds like shes completely oblivious to everyone else, and she should save all that now for her own family

She sounds dreadful and I wouldn't be surprised if those whose DC did alright in their GCSEs are pig sick of her too.

I went to a selective grammar too and we were all encouraged to go to university, which I did. To this day, I wish I'd left at 16 and learnt a trade instead, I'd be in a much better position now.

Some things are a damn sight more important than academic achievement and these include: good manners, kindness and modesty. I bet your DS has these in bucketloads.

When I was a child one of my school friends' Mum's was like this. For some reason she'd decided I was her DD's main competition. I'd changed secondary schools when I was 13 and her DD had stayed behind. On GCSE results day she phoned my Mum to "see how Unfamous had got on", whereas in reality she wanted to brag about how well her DD had done and how she'd got the best results in the whole school.

Unfortunately for her, my DM (who was never up for this one-up-manship) had finally had enough of her after ignoring many comments over the years, told her with great satisfaction what my results were. Mine were good, but nowhere near as good as many of my other school friends, but were still better than hers. Strangely enough my DM's never heard from her since!

I agree with other PPs comments though. Just because you're good at passing exams, doesn't mean you'll be good at life. All it means is you know how to sit an exam. I also went to a selective grammar school and there are many girls I went to school with who are in very normal jobs, not setting the world alight with their "intelligence". On the flip side, one of my most "successful" friends is someone that was the class joker at school and came out with very poor grades. He just found what he was good at a bit later in life.

All that really matters in life is if DCs are happy and have tried their best. Is it really worth the stress of passing exams if you end up living a miserable life?

@GibbonLover same at my grammar. I was one of about 5 out of 180 girls who didn't go to university despite them pressurising me to go. I don't regret my choice for a second.

All that university guarantees you nowadays is a big debt. I firmly believe that apprenticeships are the best way in to a career nowadays. They're available in so many different trades and professions.

she is being very rude in the way she is talking about this, but I feel sorry for her son. She is putting him on a pedestal and adding extra pressure on him.
I have a cousin who went to a grammar school, got all A then A at Alevel, then a PHD at Oxford...and is now unemployed. He has never held down a full time job and struggles with social interaction. His sister is also unemployed and had very good grades. My aunt does not speak of them at all, its so sad.
My sister has dyslexia, failed all GCSE's but went onto a college that supported her and she passed with distinctions. Has a full time job and just been promoted and works part time at the weekends,as well as raising 2 children. Your son will walk his own path to find what he will do in the world.x

How awful. She is a dick. The absolute most needed by a parent to volunteer about results (without answering specifics of course) is something along the lines of "their hard work paid off we are very proud" any they got x many A''s is a prime dick. Exam results are pretty private, up to the person who had to sit them to divulge not for some parent thinking their child's success is their achievement. The woman is embarrassing herself.

If she'd just told you once and/or posted on Facebook about how proud she was, that would be fine - I don't think anyone should be stopped from celebrating their child's achievements because other children might not have got the same results. However, if she's making a point of going on and on about it, she's a massive arsehole and no, you're not being over-sensitive. And the fact that your son WAS THERE when she was doing some of her bragging is awful - there was absolutely no need for her to discuss this in front of him.

Regardless of all that, well done for helping your son get through what sounds like a really tough time at school. I hope he finds his niche and has a bright future ahead of him in whatever he decides to do. FWIW my nephew did very badly at his GCSEs and is now an apprentice carpenter and it's been the making of him - he really enjoys it and is very good at it, and is certainly enjoying having his apprenticeship wage while his mates are still having to ask their parents for pocket money.

You have every right to be just as proud of your son as your friend is of hers.

She sounds downright odd and extremely insensitive.

Good grades arent everything. I know two young women, now both in their mid twenties. They both did great in their GCSEs, one went on to get a Bsc , the other a Masters in Pyschology. Both have struggled for work since leaving Uni. One is currently doing temp work and can be unemployed for months at a time. The other (the masters graduate) is working in a bar. Whereas my cousin who left school after taking is AS Levels to do an apprenticeship has a good, full time job which he has done for years, has bought his own house etc.

So there is no guarantee that her son's good grades have any added benefit to his future at all.

Thank you everyone.

Like a post mentioned above our priority was to get him through in one piece by that point and any grade at all was a bonus. The local college has been lovely about vocational courses at entry level so he is going to go to one of those with core subjects.

It hasn't just been one post or one message. It's been several and also in person twice. I've done all the wow well done him, I'm so pleased for him, he's done so well you must be pleased type of talk. She knows fully well about my ds situation. In fact I posted my frustration at the school sixth form being a pain looking for advice as i have several FB friends with children with special needs who have been through similar on FB and everyone else replied asking if ds was okay and how they could help where as she sent me Facebook message immediately telling me how her DS was top of the school and it was a shame not everyone could be like that.

She can be tasteless but she is never useless so thoughtless to be honest.

She's insensitive, massively

If she went the prep-school-to-grammar route, she has probably spent a lot of the past 10 years being surrounded by some pretty insufferable educationally-obsessed parents and overachieving kids, many of whom will be a lot cleverer and even higher-scoring than her own son. This has probably warped her view of normal and made her extremely chippy and highly-strung on the subject. Her insecurities are showing. When she's banging on about "the world is my son's oyster!" she is not really talking to you---she is talking to herself and trying to frantically reassure herself that a) her son CAN compete with all the other even-cleverer kids from his prep school and b) that the eye-watering sums she spent on the prep school were really worth it.

None of this makes a difference from your perspectiveit must be so bloody hurtful and horrible to hear such insensitive comments, and must make it very hard to find joy in the fact that your son HAS achieved somethinghe stayed on at school and did his GCSEs even when it was touch and go. I hope you will follow some of the advice here about some routes that he might take going forward. Don't give up!

As for your friend: If this is a one-off and she is not usually as insensitive as this, I would keep the friendship BUT shut down this topic of conversation pronto. "Sorry, I know Ben is a clever boy and has done well, but I'm sure you can appreciate that exam scores are a very sore topic with me at the moment. Can we please stop talking about academic achievement? It's making me feel quite unhappy."

If she has form for being like this, I would reconsider the friendship. Comments like, isn't it a pity they can't all be straight-A students, really are almost beyond parody, aren't they?

She's a CUNT

Really glad to hear about the local college! Hope your ds has a great time there and finds something he loves doing!

That comment is really insensitive. I would consider rethinking the friendship over it. Ignore my earlier comment.