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Original poster

Have I made a huge mistake? Divorce

60 replies

boymum9 · 04/09/2019 08:25

I've linked below another thread I made, in which is my original thread about my relationship from January (both long, I'm sorry! But just to save going back over everything!)

Is this stalking? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3610331-is-this-stalking

I'm really struggling the last couple weeks with whether I have made the wrong decision for our family, ex dh and I have worked through some of the issues we were facing the last few months, a lot of apologies and changed behaviour, we've been working extremely well together co parenting our two ds and get on well in these times and it's making me so incredibly sad that we are no longer a "normal" family unit.

I'm seeing someone new and have been for a few months, he's a wonderful man and we get on so well and have amazing chemistry, he's been so understanding and accepting of the situation, never over stepped the mark with what I feel comfortable doing, always encourages ex h and I to spend more time together with the boys, has been loving and supportive and just "gets me" like dh never really did even after 12 years.

Ex h is also seeing someone new, not for as long and they get on well and she sounds lovely, also very understanding of the situation, but it's early days and he has said he'd rather try for us as a family even though our relationship was much more up and down. My new partner has said that if I felt like I needed to try for the sake of the boys, he'd (with a heavy heart) walk away, but you can see it pains him to say this.

There was never really trust from the get go with ex h, there is complete trust and openness in my new relationship, I'm so confused and lost and sad, I don't think I want the actual relationship side to being with ex h, I just miss the family, have I made a huge mistake? Sad

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 04/09/2019 08:28

You'd be making a huge mistake if you got back with the abusive twat. For you and the DC.

sirmione16 · 04/09/2019 08:30

Your last sentence is your decision. You don't actually want a relationship with him, you just want a family unit. And where ever that's the case, youre not likely to be truly happy and will end up frustrated as you're sacrificing your happiness for the sake of being a unit. Resulting in eventually becoming resentful towards it all. Unfortunately it seems like a 'grass is greener' set up for you, and you need to take a step back, ask yourself at which points am I truly happy? And move forward in that direction. Be thankful you have a great relationship with him and the new girlfriend, and focus on that not on the past and the what ifs.

sirmione16 · 04/09/2019 08:31

PS it's normal to miss and mourn for the family unit you thought would be forever. But go through the stages of grief and let yourself feel it. But keep your eyes on the future.

hushnowthanks · 04/09/2019 08:33

Moving forward, only you can decide what’s right for you. I’m sorry that I don’t have any better advice to offer but I remember your OP and your sincerity and sadness made me feel like I couldn’t simply read and run. Whatever you choose, I wish you every happiness and success Flowers

JamOnTheCarpet · 04/09/2019 08:33

He was controling and abusive towards you... You got away so now he's being nice because he wants you back so that he can be controling and abusive towards you.

Don't fall for it, keep your nice man!

IncrediblySadToo · 04/09/2019 08:33

I understand how you feel, but thevreadins you didn’t work before haven’t gone anywhere you’re just not together all the time and have some respect for each other now you’re no longer a couple.

Stuck with the man that makes you happy & your children will be happy too

Campurp · 04/09/2019 08:34

I think you'd be making a huge mistake to get back with him. You've seen him at his worst and he's currently on his best behaviour as he's trying to win you back. If you take him back you'll just show him that you have no backbone and it'll be worse next time.
Accept that you have a good co-parenting relationship and move on with your new partner.

My mum was the woman who kept taking her husband back when he showed signs of bringing nice again... for the kids of course! This resulted in some very screwed up children who struggle with relationships, emotions and stability. Your children deserve more.

Campurp · 04/09/2019 08:35

*being, not bringing.

NoSquirrels · 04/09/2019 08:37

Don’t get back into a relationship with a man you do not trust.

Don’t fuck around with the new guy’s feelings either - if you’re not 100% ready for a new relationship be honest with him and yourself.

But don’t run back to someone you don’t trust.

WhatsMyPassword · 04/09/2019 08:38

Your new bloke sounds really nice - but you dont seem to be as invested in him as he is in you - you should let him go rather than stringing him along as a second best. Have some time on your own, be your own person.

NoSquirrels · 04/09/2019 08:42

Also

Ex h is also seeing someone new, not for as long and they get on well and she sounds lovely, also very understanding of the situation, but it's early days and he has said he'd rather try for us as a family even though our relationship was much more up and down.

Do you WANT to be with someone who would be seeing one woman (sleeping with one woman) and emotionally committing to a different woman?

He won’t change fundamentally.

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 04/09/2019 08:46

My parents tried again and again ‘for the sake of’ us when we were kids and it honestly caused untold harm to my siblings and myself. It was horrible growing up with two parents who so clearly had to try so hard, who were happy one minute and unhappy then next. As soon as they called it a day and settled down with new partners who they were actually happy with, our lives changed for the better. My biggest sadness about our childhood was that my parents didn’t end the mess that was their marriage earlier and settle down with new people so we could ALL be happy and relaxed. I really think that you owe it to your children to walk away from your husband.

Original poster
boymum9 · 04/09/2019 08:47

Thank you everyone for your replies, they're very helpful!

@WhatsMyPassword @NoSquirrels I think we the new man I'm seeing I'm just trying to be as open with him about feelings as possible, I think he's amazing and can see a happy future with him, I think these feelings have partly come up now and him suggesting he'd walk away because he can see I'm sad about missing the family side of things, I've tried to explain that I think it's just a grieving process of the end of the relationship. I think he's maybe just aware that I could use time and space to process my own grief, but we also at the same time don't want to walk away from each other, he's such a happy part in my life among so much mess!

OP posts:
Original poster
boymum9 · 04/09/2019 08:48

Thank you @Icantthinkofanynewnames that's really interesting to hear, I'm sorry you had to deal with that Thanks

OP posts:
fairislecable · 04/09/2019 08:51

No No No I have just read your previous threads - he is the same weird stalker from before. He has put a different front on to fool you.

You know the saying fool me once...

Say goodbye to your old life and build a new future, the past is past, move onwards and upwards.

LetsPlayDarts · 04/09/2019 08:56

What you are feeling here is completely normal. From the outside people can see your ex for what he is and at the moment you can't...but you will.

Whilst your new man sounds supportive, it seems like this is all happening a bit quickly for you. You need to focus on yourself and your DC's.

Original poster
boymum9 · 04/09/2019 08:57

I'd also just like to add if it helps with the context that we didn't have a bad relationship, we got on well and have the same sense of humour and had a lot of fun, we had trust issues from things he did, we clashed because he is very sociable and I have quite bad social anxiety, the bad things happened after I said I wanted to leave and I think he was shocked and I'm quite a bad place, he's been seeing a councillor since February

OP posts:
CharityDingle · 04/09/2019 09:04

I'm not familiar with your threads but read the first line of the one you linked. He sexually assaulted you while you were asleep. Shock and you say you 'didn't have a bad relationship.'

I have a bad feeling that you want to believe he has changed and you want to go back to him, regardless of what anyone here says. I hope I'm wrong.

Original poster
boymum9 · 04/09/2019 09:05

Thank you @LetsPlayDarts I do sometimes feel as though feelings between new partner and me are moving quite quickly, but we are also very much pacing ourselves, for example we never stay at each others houses or over night together anywhere, he hasn't met dc's and won't for a long time, I would say if we were still together next summer he would then, it's the same in that respect for ex h new gf, do you think that's sensible?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2019 09:05

No you haven’t made a mistake. He’s a stalker and he sexually assaulted you, doubly disgusting when he knows your history.

Keep seeing your counsellor. Just because he’s apologised and you’ve made peace with what happened, it doesn’t mean you can wipe the past away or he can change who he is.

Gatepost1820 · 04/09/2019 09:05

Do the online freedom programme, it will help you recognise red flags in your past relationship. It will also help you to reassert strong boundaries in your new relationship. I'd be wary of getting into a new relationship so quickly, I think it's important for you to have time for yourself & discover who you truly are. You've not had time to establish your own identity as you've always been in a relationship.

Gatepost1820 · 04/09/2019 09:06

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

IdblowJonSnow · 04/09/2019 09:06

Keep moving forward and dont look back.
Its normal to grieve and I think that's what you're feeling.
It's over for very good reasons!

CandyLeBonBon · 04/09/2019 09:07

This happened to me. I took him back. It got infinitely worse because he knew he could reel me in and exploit all the chunks in my armour all over again.

You had a reason to separate. Don't be fooled into thinking he has changed. He hasn't.

TatianaLarina · 04/09/2019 09:07

I think it was a mistake to get involved with someone new when you’ve still not moved on from your ex.

It would also be a huge mistake to get back with a sex pesty, stalky, abusive twat.

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