Have I made a huge mistake? Divorce

[boymum9]

I've linked below another thread I made, in which is my original thread about my relationship from January (both long, I'm sorry! But just to save going back over everything!)

Is this stalking? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3610331-is-this-stalking

I'm really struggling the last couple weeks with whether I have made the wrong decision for our family, ex dh and I have worked through some of the issues we were facing the last few months, a lot of apologies and changed behaviour, we've been working extremely well together co parenting our two ds and get on well in these times and it's making me so incredibly sad that we are no longer a "normal" family unit.

I'm seeing someone new and have been for a few months, he's a wonderful man and we get on so well and have amazing chemistry, he's been so understanding and accepting of the situation, never over stepped the mark with what I feel comfortable doing, always encourages ex h and I to spend more time together with the boys, has been loving and supportive and just "gets me" like dh never really did even after 12 years.

Ex h is also seeing someone new, not for as long and they get on well and she sounds lovely, also very understanding of the situation, but it's early days and he has said he'd rather try for us as a family even though our relationship was much more up and down. My new partner has said that if I felt like I needed to try for the sake of the boys, he'd (with a heavy heart) walk away, but you can see it pains him to say this.

There was never really trust from the get go with ex h, there is complete trust and openness in my new relationship, I'm so confused and lost and sad, I don't think I want the actual relationship side to being with ex h, I just miss the family, have I made a huge mistake?

YY to Penguin, I think you need some help with this.

Whist as I said it's probably not unusual for divorced couples to wonder if they did the right thing, there was nothing normal about your relationship with your ex.

Yes he stopped paying because he didn't like her, he also cut the amount he was paying me each month and transferred the majority of the bills to me (he still pays the mortgage and internet, think that's it) so after bills I'm left with only £50 a month for everything else including food.

I know it sounds like "oh poor me" but we were not bad off at all, I went from not having to worry about money, very nice holidays, nice cars etc to now struggling quite a bit. I don't mind so much because I'm happy to budget and learn to be much more realistic with money, but £50 a month I'm really struggling with. All while he's just bought a new £80,000 car and spent a week in Vegas (although these decisions were fuelled apparently by him being sad and not thinking straight.....!)

And you don't think that him effectively pulling the plug on a counsellor who was helpful to you is controlling? Those are the actions of someone trying to cut you off from sources of support that will empower you to break free of his control.

This is a man who sexually assaulted you, stalked you, abusived you, coerced you, controlled you, used your children as weapons and pawns to get to you.

If you don't think this describes a bad relationship, what would? And if even this doesn't reach your threshold for being a bad relationship, how confident are you that you can spot early warning signs of controlling and coercive behaviour?

Please explore the Freedom Programme and therapy for trauma through the NHS. There is an awful lot for you to unravel and process, and there is no shame in needing time and support to understand how abusive the relationship was and what a genuinely healthy relationship would have looked like. You've jumped into a new relationship very, very quickly without pausing to do those things. Why?

It is very early days. You're grieving, adjusting, beginning to process your trauma. It worries me that you can't see how controlling and manipulative he is still being.

I don't know if it helps, but I'm writing this as someone who had a similar "have I made a terrible mistake, maybe I should go back?" wobble about the same time as you are.

Several years on I am so incredibly glad I had people to help me get perspective on why I felt like that so I didn't make the mistake of going back. For me, it was a mixture of guilt, grief, and the distance of not being controlled/ hurt for a little while making me doubt myself and questioning whether I overreacted like he had said. (I most definitely did not overreact and nor have you!)

If you take up the help and support that's there and keep plodding away you'll come through this stage too.

Your relationship was awful. AWFUL. I read your other threads. He sexually abused you. He stalked you. In the nicest possible way, you need to get a grip. He's putting on an act right now - see the performance for what it is. If you get back with him it'll be worse than it ever was before, because you'll have shown that he can do whatever the hell he likes and you'll just tolerate it and keep taking him back. You need clearer boundaries as well. Children of divorced/separated parents ideally need to see their parents being civil or pleasant to each other. That's it. You don't need to be spending time together pretending to be a couple with the boys. That isn't actually normal for divorced couples. He has his time and you have yours. Anything else in my view creates confusion for the children.

I'm left with only £50 a month for everything else including food.

...but £50 a month I'm really struggling with.

(although these decisions were fuelled apparently by him being sad and not thinking straight.....!)

Okay, two things here...

1. this is blatant coercive control, ie continued abuse. (Including the excuses for it that are designed to make you feel guilty)

2. what on earth about any of what you describe makes you think he has changed in any way whatsoever and that putting yourself tighter under his control is a good idea? (Other than desperation caused by the deliberate financial pressure he's putting you under)

You're being abused by him.

A family is not a "thing", it's a unit formed of the people within it. You can't do what's best for the family whilst not doing what's best for its members - including yourself. To stay in a horrible situation where you are assaulted and bullied, and generally not on the same wavelength even during the better times, for the sake of "the family" (i.e. the children's biological parents living under the same roof with them) is just not worth it. You and your ex are getting on and co-parenting well now you're apart. What a pity you wasted years being together with him when you could have been like you are now instead, and both, it seems, with partners who suit you better!

That's a point too: if your ex is with somebody nice, that'll be better for the kids when they go to stay with them. A helping hand with the co-parenting. Look on it as a positive, that they have an extra family member to look after them now. Two extras counting your DP, but that's not crucial. You don't do shit like driving them round to your ex's in the middle of the night, so you don't need a sane partner to stop you treating them like pawns.

Just don't be tempted by the might-have-been to go back to the never-was.

This new man sounds as though he really wants it to work with you but is willing to put your children before his own needs. He sounds a good ‘un.

Again thank you!

I think a lot of my issue is that i were young when we met (I was 16, he was 21) and I was 18 when we started dating, I was young and we moved quite far from family and friends quite quickly for his work, I only had him to rely on for everything, including finances because because of his job we have moved extremely frequently and I never had a chance to settle into a career, this really fuelled my anxiety, moving and constantly meeting new people, i was with him so long I think I struggle to see what is "normal" in a relationship, until I met my new partner and I was like "oh wait, this is what it's meant to be like!!"

I do agree that being in a new relationship when there are still messy emotions is perhaps not the most ideal situation, but it's so difficult because I didn't go out looking for anyone new, we met one day in a real life situation (as in a didn't do online dating or anything) and we just clicked, I don't want to say goodbye to someone amazing because of slightly off timing...? I think we're maybe doing the right thing in distancing our relationship from any involvement with family, my children for quite some time.

@ThirstyGhost thank you for your reply. Do you think how we are trying to conduct our relationship now is confusing for the kids? Genuine question, now I'm wondering if that's the case, children are 4 and just turned two, 4 year old is obviously aware we no longer live together, both seem well adjusted and happy, I'll outline how we manage day to day:

-Most nights he will come and read to them and say goodnight and put them to bed when he doesn't have them

-we occasionally do things together with the boys, dinner/ park/ a walk, usually something once a week if not more, even if just for an hour or two

-both dcs birthdays we have all spent together and with our families as well

I think we're just trying to show that we will both always be there together for them if needed, show them love together and make sure they see that their parents get on even if we are not together anymore?
Both of our respective partners are completely on board and encouraging of this, his partner had a similar childhood regarding the divorce of her parents and said because of this she had a happy childhood and now has a great relationship with both parents and they still to this day spend things like birthdays all together, even though both married (I haven't actually met her but apparently!!)

www.womensaid.org.uk/