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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I made a huge mistake? Divorce

60 replies

boymum9 · 04/09/2019 08:25

I've linked below another thread I made, in which is my original thread about my relationship from January (both long, I'm sorry! But just to save going back over everything!)

Is this stalking? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am iibeingunreasonable/3610331-is-this-stalking

I'm really struggling the last couple weeks with whether I have made the wrong decision for our family, ex dh and I have worked through some of the issues we were facing the last few months, a lot of apologies and changed behaviour, we've been working extremely well together co parenting our two ds and get on well in these times and it's making me so incredibly sad that we are no longer a "normal" family unit.

I'm seeing someone new and have been for a few months, he's a wonderful man and we get on so well and have amazing chemistry, he's been so understanding and accepting of the situation, never over stepped the mark with what I feel comfortable doing, always encourages ex h and I to spend more time together with the boys, has been loving and supportive and just "gets me" like dh never really did even after 12 years.

Ex h is also seeing someone new, not for as long and they get on well and she sounds lovely, also very understanding of the situation, but it's early days and he has said he'd rather try for us as a family even though our relationship was much more up and down. My new partner has said that if I felt like I needed to try for the sake of the boys, he'd (with a heavy heart) walk away, but you can see it pains him to say this.

There was never really trust from the get go with ex h, there is complete trust and openness in my new relationship, I'm so confused and lost and sad, I don't think I want the actual relationship side to being with ex h, I just miss the family, have I made a huge mistake?

OP posts:

Myriade · 04/09/2019 09:07

He has been loving and supportive and just "gets me" like dh never really did even after 12 years.

Dont go back. Even if your ex is trying, you are solving alot of issues etc, what on earth makes you think he is going to 'get you' of he hasnt in 12 years??

I agree about the grieving process and I think you would benefit from counselling too.

TrueRefuge · 04/09/2019 09:08

Have you had any counselling to process your separation? The sexual assault combined with your childhood history of abuse must have been so triggering for you, I wonder if you need to process some of that trauma with a professional?

Certainly please don't go back to him. You've made a huge decision and of course it's normal to have doubts, but just because you have doubts doesn't mean it was the WRONG decision. You found your self-worth and bravely left a man who yes you had built a family with, but who abused you and took advantage of your trust. He does not deserve you at all. Your new man sounds great and I hope your new-found happiness continues

mummmy2017 · 04/09/2019 09:08

Don't fall for the lies.
Just tell ex you are glad you can now be friends and stay with the new man who seems too care about your needs...give him a kiss and hug and hold tight.

Myriade · 04/09/2019 09:09

Sorry just realised you ARE seeing a counsellor .

Please carry on and maybe also raise the issues you exposed on this thread with her too.

DerelictWreck · 04/09/2019 09:13

This is a man who sexually assaulted you, stalked you, abusived you, coerced you, controlled you, used your children as weapons and pawns to get to you.

DO NOT GO BACK. You, and more importantly your children, deserve better.

VulcanRay · 04/09/2019 09:13

Getting back with your ex would be disastrous for your children.

Blackcountrychik83 · 04/09/2019 09:16

Maybe you're keeping your new guy at arms length... Just incase. I think if you finally accept that your life with your new man will be your new 'family unit' your relationship will thrive and you won't miss what you had so much.

Your ex is an ex for a reason but atm you're clouding over that. Imagine you do go back to him then 6 months later you're back at the beginning again but this time without the wonderful guy you've given up on...

The grass is definitely not greener on the other side in this case. It's been replaced with artificial for the moment.

Move on your relationship you're in now, build on your new family unit and actually start letting yourself get closer to this new man and you will find your exs true colours will be back again shortly....

NearlyGranny · 04/09/2019 09:18

The huge mistake would be going back to your creepy, abusive ex. I know distance lends enchantment to the view, but do sit down and read back your comments on previous threads in one sitting and ask yourself whether it's likely you could play happy families with the man who assaulted you in your sleep, lied to you, twisted your words, was unable to hold up his end of an adult conversation, lurked around your house at night making intruder noises to terrorise you and, when he rode in to 'rescue' you from the fake intruder proceeded to search your house without permission for a man who wasn't there! Not to mention dragging little children from their beds to check up in whether you were at home or still out.

I'd be questioning whether he should even have contact with the children after that, not daydreaming about getting back with him.

I think these feelings may be a natural part of letting go of the dreams you had for the relationship at the start, but they were just that: dreams. He wasn't capable of being half of an equal, loving, supportive relationship back then and he isn't now. He hasn't changed. You'd have it all to do again and you'd have lost the man who sounds like the best thing to have happened to you relationship-wise in a very long time!

Give yourself breathing space, sit in your hands and think long and hard about what you really want and what can realistically be had, I say.

Clangus00 · 04/09/2019 09:23

Please don’t.

Wehttam · 04/09/2019 09:28

You have both moved on. You both need to let go and concentrate on the children and your new partners. A leopard never changes its spots.

Original poster

boymum9 · 04/09/2019 09:38

@Myriade I actually had to stop the councillor because I couldn't afford it anymore and although ex h initially offered to pay for it he changed his mind because he didn't like her....

OP posts:

Span1elsRock · 04/09/2019 09:42

He's playing a game, that's all. It's all about "winning" for him, it's not about you and the DC. He wants you right back where he can control you - nothing more, nothing less.

Don't do it to yourself. Live the life you deserve to have

Original poster

boymum9 · 04/09/2019 09:44

Thank you @NearlyGranny you're right.

Thank you everyone for your replies too

OP posts:

ShippingNews · 04/09/2019 09:44

I fully understand - you're mourning the family unit , not the man. I mistook one for the other when I got divorced - longing for the comfort of "just us" which we'd had with the children for so many years. I even went back....well for a few days anyway. But I soon realised that "just us" didn't exist any more, and that if I went back I'd have to live with this man who'd cheated and lied to me for years . I soon turned and walked back out of that door again !

I'd recommend taking a long hard look at your ex. Whatever he did to you in the past, he'll do again , and in fact it will be worse for you because you'll realise that life could have been so much better if you'd stayed away.

Best wishes - I hope you make a decision which will make you happy.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 04/09/2019 09:50

After reading both your previous threads I would say that you're well rid of this man.

I remember being appalled by the stalking one particularly.

I am struggling to understand what you could be missing about the relationship you had with your husband - he sounds awful and you've had a lucky escape.

Does he still put the children in the car and come over to your house in the middle of the night?

Is he still smoking weed then driving?

Please don't get back together with him, OP.

beanosdaddysex · 04/09/2019 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SBD1 · 04/09/2019 09:51

@boymum9

My ex husband assaulted me in my sleep after we split. I woke up to my leggings under my arse, my bra undone and had clearly been penetrated. I met someone a couple of months later and he is so kind and understanding about it and doesn't push me. I wish I had met him before my ex.

Don't go back to him. Please have respect for yourself. You've found someone who clearly loves you.

AnnonniMoose · 04/09/2019 09:53

My abusive ex and I co parent very well now as well, and the reason we can do this is because we aren't together any more. I would never ever ever in a gazillion years go back to him and put my DC through seeing their DM being treated like that again.

Please don't go back - your new guy sounds like a gem, and they're hard to come by.

ADUTT7 · 04/09/2019 10:02

One day the family side of things is gone and you are left alone with your DH. Think about that! Is that really what you want? He leant sound very nice to be honest and I think you can enjoy your life more apart

Original poster

boymum9 · 04/09/2019 10:02

Thank you everyone, this is giving me a lot of perspective and a bit of a wake up call as to how I'm feeling

OP posts:

Kaddm · 04/09/2019 10:03

He only wants you back because he sees you happy with someone else. I am generally all for keeping families together but he is just jealous.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 04/09/2019 10:07

Honestly OP, your husband is only showing what you perceive as a "good" side because he is trying to regain control.

Don't be fooled.

Pollypenguin01 · 04/09/2019 10:07

Can you speak to your GP and see if you could get anymore counselling on the NHS because quite honestly it sounds like it is very necessary for you to have some more therapy.

He sexually assaulted you at least twice, he was stalking your partner at the time and yourself but you didn’t want to phone the police and just wanted to wait for him to ‘get over it’, before the sexual assault he had an affair with someone else, he was gaslighting you, he would creep round to your window at night to watch what you were doing, he ransacked your house and you allowed him to, he took your phone for 4 hours until you gave him your passcode, he spread lies about you, he uses your children to still control you (the excessive FaceTiming) and these are only what you have written in your past posts, I’m sure there’s more!

I hate to say it but I think you have a really huge problem with your judgment.
I think you really need to try and prioritise therapy for yourself, is there anything you can cut back on to save some money? Could you borrow from family? Do an extra few hours overtime?

I think it’s great you have got this far but your post is really concerning that you haven’t truly digested everything that happened in the relationship, nor dealt with the issues bound to arise from being in an abusive relationship.

fruitbrewhaha · 04/09/2019 10:15

NO NO NO!

I remember your threads. Please don't go back to him. You are building a new future for yourself and your children. I think it's not unusual to wonder if you did the right thing, but don't go back to that creep of an ex.

Colouringaddict · 04/09/2019 10:16

He stopped paying for your counsellor, because HE didn’t like her! Abusive control right there, don’t go back. As for your new relationship, if you can’t let go of the past, you will carry the baggage with you. MIND offer counselling free, try your GP for other services in your area

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