To be annoyed that only I can save

[vraimentnul]

Myself and DH are on v low wages. He earns 18k a year. I work 2 days a week and on top of child benefits etc I get £900 a month and pay all bills. After an left with around £450. I pay for all of the food, entertainment, kids clothes and still manage to save around £100 a month.
Dh pays rent and ends up with about £600 after. He only has to pay for himself. Can't save and ends up borrowing from the joint savings every month. If I even try to talk about money he just shuts down and it irritates the life out of me. I'll be say something like 'shall we work out a budget for the month between us' or 'why don't you put £50 in the joint savings at the start of the month then if you need it at the end you can get it out' and he'll act like I'm being controlling. I'm also going down to one day a week next month as it's over 2 jobs and I've handed my notice in on one ready to pick up more hours at my new job and will be £200 less off a month for a couple of months.

Dont have joint savings. Have your saving and his savings

And why on earth isn't he paying for food etc

@Waveysnail I do the food shops so end up paying. I have separate savings too which the money that I save goes into but we have one joint savings account that has a set amount of money in for emergencies.

Don't have a joint saving account when they're not joint savings - they're your savings. Open an account in your sole name & transfer all that money into it.

He’s not interested in saving. He’s proved that by shutting you down when you even try to just discuss it. You can’t change him.

So I’d just make sure he contributes his half of the expenses for the family and continue with saving on your own so you have some financial security. He’s a grown adult and you can’t force him to save.

YANBU to be annoyed though. I’d find that really offputting in a partner. And don’t go bailing him out with your own savings, I know you’re a partnership but given that he’s just unwilling to even consider it or try he shouldn’t be shielded from the reality of what happens when you’re up shit creek with no money to fall back on when something breaks for example.

Did you know he was like this about money (avoidant, won’t discuss) before having kids and moving in?

I agree with the PP suggesting moving the savings into your own name. Whilst it's all marital money, if he can't budget himself then he's risking your family's financial stability by constantly dipping into the savings.

He sounds exhausting though being unwilling to discuss finances.

@GammaStingRay he's always been bad at money. So's his parents (thinks finance is best for EVERYTHING) we were teenagers when we had the kids and not far out of it now so everything was really rushed.he likes to say it all our money and has a huff if I ask to borrow money off him if I'm short or forget my card but will never discuss his finances.

It's just frustrating because he always talks about nice holidays and not being able to afford nice things but I'm going without most things for myself to get the kids nice things and experiences. I buy pretty much everything second hand just to have a little bit of money to put away for a holiday

@EileenAlanna it was originally in my money but he guilted me into getting an appointment to make it joint mentioning it everyday and booking Time off to go even before I had the appointment. I put my foot down at the help to buy because I'd already been saving in that one and said he'd have to open his own (hasn't as far as I know)

Keep your money separate. Let him sought his own mess out. What is he even spending money on if you're covering most of the important stuff, except rent?

You'll find you stash away a nice little nest egg without him tapping your savings.

If you can't communicate properly about money then it's not going to work in the long term

Hang on you pay for everything except rent and your funding him and saving?? Wtaf?
This manchild has no respect for you or your family and there's no way in god's green earth I'd be letting this carry on. I'd also be considering if I even wanted to be with a man who is so controlling and rude and has no aspirations for the future security of his family

What on earth does he spend £600pm on if bills, food and kids stuff are already covered??

Child benefit and tax credit is not your money, it's joint money. It should all go in one pot, all bills paid, include something towards a holiday and what's left is halved and spent as you both wish.

Personally I'd be putting the kybosh on the joint savings to force him to talk about it. You may as well just give money straight to him OP. He's got a nice little set up and won't want it to change. Either do something about it or suck it up, nothing will change on its own.

Ha @swiftofthings! Have you missed the part where the OP pays for everything?!!! Of course that’s her money as he has £150 more than her a month and doesn’t pay for anything out of that apart from for himself and still helps himself to her savings every month!

@swingofthings I already use all of the child tax credits and child benefits and some of my £400 wage to cover the bills. It just comes out of my account because It goes into mine. There is never anything left over

What gamerchick said.

it was originally in my money but he guilted me into getting an appointment to make it joint mentioning it everyday and booking Time off to go even before I had the appointment. I put my foot down at the help to buy because I'd already been saving in that one and said he'd have to open his own (hasn't as far as I know)

So he’s very willing and enthusiastic to discuss finances (booking time off work, raising it daily, insisting on an appointment) if it means he gets access to the money you’ve saved, but when you want to discuss something that might mean he can’t just spend willy nilly and actually has to have some self discipline (saving), he’s all evasive and avoidant and shuts you down. Is that right?

He sounds like a knob sorry OP. He has children to support and he won’t even sit and have a conversation about finances (unless it’s getting access to YOUR savings of course) with his wife. Normally in a marriage you’re both in it together and share money but I wouldn’t risk being that way with him personally.

Make sure you save your money into a sole account where he can’t touch it, or get him removed from the account he got himself added to.

Finances are one of the main things couples divorce over. You’re not even remotely on the same page and he’s not showing any willing to be a team with you.

@BeanBag7 buses, I'll ask him to pick up some shopping on the way home sometimes like bread or milk , cigarettes, Xbox games, alcohol he'll sometimes do a big declaration and take us out for a meal at the start of the month apart from that not much.

Write it all down, do a budget spread and send it too him.
Add in things for both of you, so he sees them, and do one for your pay decrease.
Then use the savings account to pay for shopping or something so your both paying equal.
Play him at his own game and say but you have the extra £150....I can take that from savings too if you want.

Open a help to save account and save your money in there. If you take it out it lowers your bonus and he won't be able to touch it anyway. You should be eligible if you're getting tax credits.

@PleaseSirMyGoat is that an isa as I've already got a help to buy and don't think I can have two at once. I've got savings for the kids Christmas and trips out that he can't touch that he doesn't know about so at least there's that

Oh for God's sake get rid of him. MN really makes me despair sometimes.

I don't believe it's an isa, the money is held with national savings and investments, and I think you can have both. Not 100% sure though as we only do help to save, but in everything I've read I've not seen anything saying you can't do both

You're a wise,mature adult and mother but what you don't realize you are raising your shared children and your man child. If he's so immature and selfish then he is no example for your children to witness. I'd sit him down and tell him he's on his last chance to still be with you in a relationship