To be annoyed that only I can save

[vraimentnul]

Myself and DH are on v low wages. He earns 18k a year. I work 2 days a week and on top of child benefits etc I get £900 a month and pay all bills. After an left with around £450. I pay for all of the food, entertainment, kids clothes and still manage to save around £100 a month.
Dh pays rent and ends up with about £600 after. He only has to pay for himself. Can't save and ends up borrowing from the joint savings every month. If I even try to talk about money he just shuts down and it irritates the life out of me. I'll be say something like 'shall we work out a budget for the month between us' or 'why don't you put £50 in the joint savings at the start of the month then if you need it at the end you can get it out' and he'll act like I'm being controlling. I'm also going down to one day a week next month as it's over 2 jobs and I've handed my notice in on one ready to pick up more hours at my new job and will be £200 less off a month for a couple of months.

Yanbu

It's not fair that you've got to take all responsibility for the family having some financial stability while he takes none

It's not fair that he expects you to sub him but wont do the same the other way round

Its not fair he wont talk to you about an issue that is causing you stress and worry that he is contributing to

It's not fair he gets to buy treats like fags and booze while you don't

It's not fair that you have to buy second hand and go without while he doesnt.

@PleaseSirMyGoat that's brilliant I'll have a little look into that. Thank you

It's so difficult because he just point blank refuses to talk about money. There's nothing I could do apart from leave him but I can't do that because I can't afford to live with the kids and I'm starting my dream job which I've been working for so hard and couldn't do it on my own so I'm just stuck

I am not normally in favour of those on low incomes saving for the sake of saving - life is miserable enough when you are poor, and the little you are likely to be able to save is barely going to make a difference to your lifes in the future.
But that's not the issue here - this man, who is the higher earner, is spending the majority of his income on himself and trying to get his hands on your income as well. I think you need to go back to a separate savings account and refuse to let him access it - and if he starts becoming aggressive about it then you know where you are and can throw him out.

So you have £450 a month after bills and out of that you pay £100 savings, kids clothes, food and entertainment.

He has £600 left after rent and spends that on small sundries and himself, and still runs out and raids the joint (your) savings each month.

Fuck that OP. If he refuses to discuss finances then get those savings put back in your own account and deny him access until he's willing to be a bit more mature and discuss and agree finances like an adult. You're subbing him and enabling him to be irresponsible and it needs to stop now.

Another vote for emptying the joint savings and keeping all your saved money in your name. And I would ask him to pay a specific bill or item that would keep your outgoings exactly even, at least, and not give him any extra spends ever. He has his own.

From another perspective, I am hopeless with money. I literally still can’t save a penny and sometimes borrow money or pawn my ring until payday. I have been brought up badly in terms of finance management by my parents but I also genuinely am at a loss as to how to live cheaply. I know you are after advice, but could you give me some advice on how to manage on £400 a month? I spend at least double that I think after bills if not more. It just seems to go and I don’t really understand it, but I think it is partly because I shop quite badly. Any top tips would be amazing. On my salary I know I shouldn’t be broke all the time.

Also maybe your husband can’t help it. Not everyone is so disciplined!

@Mummadeeze oh I know that his parents never showed him how to save money. They finance everything and don't worry even if the baillifs come, it's always difficult. In regards to saving. All of the bills money plus whatever savings for the month plus a little bit of emergency money gets put away. £50 a week on food shopping (cheap multiple shops, batch cooking, lots of packed lunches). I buy all of my kids clothes on eBay you can get some lovely things if you look carefully then buy a couple of nice things every month or other month. We sell anything we don't need on gumtree and I only buy stuff if it needs replacing ie. if I rip a pair of trousers illl buy a new pair which is accounted for in the savings at the start of the month. If I end up a bit skint at the end of the month I just get out the emergency that I put in to start and we do lots of free activities. One of the best tips that I learnt was getting cash out instead of using your card all of the time. It's the £1 or £2 coffees and sandwiches which have the most impact And not being able to eee how much you have really has an impact sometimes. Hope that's helped a little bit x

OP, you're being a mug. You're letting yourself and your children down.

Do you even know what he is spending the money on?

Even if you do, this can't go on. Spend on yourself, if you have to, so there isn't any money left for him to take.

Stop putting any money at all into the "joint" savings.

From your OP I thought you meant they weren't his kids - as it doesn't sound like he's taking and financial responsibility for them.

It sounds like your entire financial situation needs a complete overhaul and if he refuses then that says it all really. It could all be joint money then you have an equal small amount of your own spending/personal saving money each the month - that's how a lot of people do it. However you'd need to be careful with his access to the shared money account if he's liable to spend it. Though how he could without a massively guilty conscience I've no idea!

Don't have any joint accounts. Just don't.

My husband earns more than me, he's appalling with money, I am very good with money. He won't discuss money either (not without much nastiness and making me wish I'd never brought it up) so I just worked out all of our outgoings and said we each pay half, we separately do what we like with what's left over - that's not ME asking for money, it's a fact that our outgoings are that much and as the two parents in the household it it OUR JOINT RESPONSIBILITY to meet those expenses.

vraimentnul that has really helped me. Thank you. I know I am being wasteful. Hope you get things sorted with your partner. Spending money is a bit of an addiction that he might not even really want to break deep down. Maybe if you have a savings goal with a nice treat (obviously something he would love to do but can’t afford to) planned at the end of it, it could help his willpower. Also, maybe try approaching him with a sympathetic and understanding style as it is really hard to change such a fundamental mindset. Or if he is competitive, maybe add an element of challenge in there. Thanks again for your advice!

Can I just say vraimentnul that you are brilliant with money and planning? If you continue with this, and keep on moving forward at work if you can, you’re going to be in such a great position in the future.
I’m very worried about your DP though, please listen to the warnings, don’t jeopardise your hard work. It sounds like he’s been brought up very irresponsibly, he’s probably insecure about it. Keep your savings safe. They’re your security.

@vraimentnul wow your a great food shopper! I need more info on what meal plan looks like batch cooking ideas .... how you get the best deals! Seriously I know people that do it but I hugely struggle with food bill it’s one of my largest outgoings

Regards isa you can only have one help to buy isa but if your bank that you have the isa allows you can always have another isa but only with the same provider. Not all banks permit this though ... it’s to ensure people are not getting too much tax free savings .. that being said you can earn upto £1000 worth of interest tax free on your income rates as they are if you want another savings account the world is your oyster you won’t need to worry.

The help to but isa was amazing when we brought our property the government bonus paid our £1500 solicitor fee and gave us £1000 cheque we had saved £5000 in each of our isas to get that.

I suspect your partner is in bad debt ... credit card debt etc ... my husband had some a few years back ( he didn’t shut me out when I spoke to him about it ) upside I found out because he was useless with opening letters and I had a filing system I asked permission to open and sort and file his stuff as was fed up at looking at the pile... found he was averaging £300 a month on unarranged od charges ( before they were capped ) and had massive cc debt... the charges where just because he didn’t keep an eye on things

He felt terrible he had so much debt but we worked on it together, it was more miss management ... came up
With a plan ( it was a super lean 4 years but 4 years letter he was debt free) ... I know he still occasionally slips up on charges but mostly he keeps an eye on things and his credit rating is better than mine now... could your partner be swimming in debt he has shot credit and thinks there is no way out ?

Try and book you both in for a free financial health check at the bank a lot of information can come out at those ... tell him you want to review the joint savings to make sure it’s the best deal get an idea of how much more you both need to save for a mortgage / what you can borrow so you know how far away you both are from your dreams

Natwest do the reviews I am sure other banks do x x x

You are doing a good job OP. What does he actually bring to the table? When I read your OP I thought they weren't his kids. Does he shoulder any responsibility or is he just another mouth to feed and another arse to wipe?

The Help to Save account is detailed here. I think you can still have one if you have a Help to Buy ISA as it's a totally different product.

He's being appallingly selfish. It sounds like you have next to no money to spend on yourself and he has close to £600 pm, which is a fortune, especially for someone on a low income. He's acting like a teenager, which is ridiculous when he has a family to support.

You do need to save something so you can cope with peaks and troughs in expenditure (Christmas, insurances, broken washing machine, car expenses etc).

He's also spending the money that could pay for a family holiday on himself, so make sure he knows that. Your food shopping money is also very low for a family and you're having to put in a lot of work to manage, while I bet he buys ready made food while at work?

What would be fairest would be for you to have more money available for food shopping, a good chunk of his spare £600 (say £200 pm) be saved for an annual family holiday and then you each get around £150-200 pm for personal spending and he'll have to manage on that.

@Newmumma83 thanks for the message. I really appreciate the info On the help to buy. It seems like the best way to put money away and I didn't realise about the fees.

My partner doesn't have a credit card and we've sat down before a couple of months ago when we made the joint accounts about our credit and he literally has none at all. Doesn't have a cc or even a phone on contract so I'm not worried there. Well get one before we buy to get our credit up and I'll monitor the bills haha.

With food shopping. I buy all of my food from Aldi's and meat from Lidl. I have 2 toddlers so I like to do £12 on fruit and veg £12 on meat (chicken thighs, turkey mince, pork chops, mackerel, bacon ham etc) lots of rice, pasta tinned tomatoes all the cheapest so never more than 40p and loads of spices. I always do breakfast cereal or toast and fruit. Lunch finger foods (sandwiches, crackers, raisins, fruit, chicken nuggets sometimes, houmuss and cucumber and yoghurts. Or homemade soup Tea is always hot. We have veggie day once a week. I use mince over two meals with beans or veg to top it up. Party food is great for kids because you can get big packs for £1 then cook one or two for finger food with lots of fruits and veg. Frozen peas and sweet corn save a fortune. Big packs of stuff that you can use over lots of days is great x

@SignedUpJust4This I didn't even realise how bad it sounded until I wrote it down. It's because I have the kids All if the time apart from the two days that I'm at work and my partner has them there's definitely going to be some changes from now

@Herocomplex thanks ever so much. I've just alway let's him off the hook because everyone says that men don't mature as fast as women and we're 21 but it's not fair when we've got the kids they're missing out

21? My god, you’re awesome - had your kids young, you’re ambitious and organised. You’re going to have an AMAZING future! Be very firm, you can absolutely fly!

@Herocomplex that's so nice to hear thank you so much. Usually when I tell people I have 2 kids in my teenage years it's just comments about 'ruining my life' or 'not wanting more for myself' or the worst is the dreaded eek face people pull. I hate that haha

Glad you’re proving them wrong so far. Just watch out for people ‘hitching a lift’. 💐

Someone correct me if my maths is wrong but I think

He - £1500 pcm pays rent at £900 leaving him with £600 purely disposable income

Op - has £100 left over after all bills and household & children's costs paid

There's a "joint" savings account that he never or very rarely pays into but withdraws from

Does what he pays in rent equate to the same amount as you're paying out in bills etc op (Excluding your personal non-necessity expenditure) INCLUDING the kids expenses (he is equally responsible for them)?

I suspect there's a huge discrepancy there, frankly this all sounds like financial abuse.

You say you couldn't afford to live without him but have you actually checked that?

Check what expenditure you WOULDN'T have without him (reduced grocery bill, reduced utility usage & similar and anything you cover that only he uses eg sports tv package type thing, his phone?)

Check what benefits you'd be eligible for and and things like council tax discount.

You might find, certainly if as hoped you get more hours in your job, that you could manage financially without him. Could prove enlightening and make you less willing to put up with his selfish nonsense!

You're doing amazingly well with all you manage. Nothing wrong with having kids young there's pros and cons to being a parent at all ages.

@Graphista I earn £400 a month from working 12 hours a week at 2 jobs. (He works mon-fri I work sat-Sunday). Including tax credits I get £800. I have £360 on bare necessity bills, £200 on food, £150 on savings and emergency, ££30 on buses for the month and £50 on taking the kids out and £10 in Isas for the kids so it's tight but it works. I have been offered 18 hours a week at my newest job over 4 days as long as I can still work sundays and handed my notice in at my old one.

If we broke up he'd move back in with his parents 150 miles away and quit his job here. It's too expensive to go there and back every weekend to take the kids and I need to work sundays, I really don't want to have to give up my job as I've been working towards it for 6 months and I don't have any family or friends who would be able o watch the kids so it's just a bit of a sticky situation