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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Night shift issues again

77 replies

Raspberryfrog · 03/09/2019 18:58

I work night shifts. At the moment I am doing two 12 hour shifts Monday night and Tuesday night. It’s a caring role and last night I was really really busy as the girl I care for was quite poorly
This morning I got in and got to bed about 10.

DH works 6 hours a day term time only as a teacher. He finished at 1 every day
He woke me at 3 and asked if I wanted to go and get Ds from school. I said I was shattered still after a busy night and please could he do it.

Usually I am up by 4 but when 4 came around I had a seizure (epileptic) so I asked if I could stay in bed a bit longer. I asked if Ds was ok and DH said he was being no trouble but I could tell DH was a bit annoyed but I am working tonight so had to recover.
I get up at 6 and come down. DH barges past me and says Ds is all yours I am going to bed.

I go upstairs and ask what he problem was and he says I have been in bed all day. I point out that the time is 10 past 6 and he was up at half seven this morning so he has not even been up for 12 hours yet. Yet I had done a 12 hour shift last night and was about to go on another.
Over the holidays I have worked 50 hour weeks to cover staff leave. Ds has been at holiday club most days and a couple of days DH took him out.
Aibu to think DH is not hard done by. I think I need to give up this job and find a day job it has caused nothing but trouble

OP posts:

ohmysoul · 03/09/2019 19:01

YANBU to be annoyed at his lack of understanding at you being tired and unwell. He should definitely not be resentful of you sleeping after a night shift.

YABU to think he works 6 hours a day as a teacher. That might be his contracted hours but he probably works many, many more than that.

It sounds a bit like a tiredness competition in your house which never ends well. Have you discussed this properly together?

Original poster

Raspberryfrog · 03/09/2019 19:01

I just get the feeling if I worked 12 hour days shifts it would be different and because I was at work that would be ok but because I work nights I am expected to also be up most of the day

OP posts:

Original poster

Raspberryfrog · 03/09/2019 19:02

He is a teacher but he is currently working at a TA sorry I should have said that. He does no planning at all. His home time is his

OP posts:

ohmysoul · 03/09/2019 19:03

In that case he needs to be supporting you a lot more. You should discuss it with him at a time when you're not just getting up or getting in from work and without the DC around.

AngelOfDeathNix · 03/09/2019 19:05

People who don't work night shifts don't understand how exhausting it is, he should be supporting you. Maybe he should try getting up at 3am and then carrying on as normal.

Original poster

Raspberryfrog · 03/09/2019 19:08

Tonight was I one off. I am usually up by 4 at the latest. Tomorrow I will be up by 2 or 3 as I don’t have a night shift to go on to.

I have the option to swap to 12 hour days so I am thinking that would work better. DH would actually be worse off in terms of me being around but that’s his fault

OP posts:

rookiemere · 03/09/2019 19:09

You shouldn't need to spell it out because he's an idiot, but tell him that him waking you at 3pm is the equivalent of him being woken at 3am etc . Are your epileptic fits triggered by lack of sleep, if so he's bordering on abusive.

I'd get very angry about this.

FrenchBoule · 03/09/2019 19:09

YANBU OP. Most people seem to think nightshift is a walk in the park and after coming home you have all day to yourself. Ahem, actually I need to sleep sometimes?

rookiemere · 03/09/2019 19:09

Yes swap to days. He does not appreciate you or the fact you need sleep to function.

Tippety · 03/09/2019 19:10

I used to work nightshifts and slept most of the day between them, you are right though, people expect you to do things because you are 'off' during the day- but if you worked days you wouldn't stay up all night.

TinyMystery · 03/09/2019 19:10

I’m awful after nights. Can’t cope with less than a full 8 hours sleep between nights and still have to sleep until at least lunchtime after my last night. I’ve been known to sleep 9-5, have dinner and be back in bed by 7! It’s part of the reason I moved into a community role and now only do them very occasionally.

I think your DH IBVU to expect you to function on so little rest.

HelenaDove · 03/09/2019 19:12

wake him up at 3am

FormerlyFrikadela01 · 03/09/2019 19:13

I just get the feeling if I worked 12 hour days shifts it would be different and because I was at work that would be ok but because I work nights I am expected to also be up most of the day

People who don't work night shifts never understand. My mum used to "nip in" during the day despite my telling her I was asleep, she'd say I wouldn't want to spend all day in bed. She stopped when I started ringing her at 3 in the morning, she finally understood what I was getting at.

Cherrysoup · 03/09/2019 19:14

What the hell is his problem? That he’s had to -shock, horror-parent his own child while you were asleep after night shift? Bloody hell, I creep round when the dh is on nights! No way would I deliberately wake him up, that is abusive in my book.

PlaceYourItemInTheBaggingArea · 03/09/2019 19:14

Next time you're on a night shift, start ringing him at 4am until he gets up, see how he likes hardly any sleep.

ButtHurt · 03/09/2019 19:14

Night shift is exhausting. It takes so much out of you.
You're forcing the body to stay awake when it wants to sleep.
Him saying 'you've been in bed all day is ridiculous as that is your night time. My dh however used to feel aggrieved when I did nights because it meant him doing the parenting alone while I was at work all night and asleep all day.
Is that the real issue he's having?

I'd look into a different job anyway as it probably isn't compatible with the epilepsy.

Greywalls12 · 03/09/2019 19:15

Night shifts are horrid, I'm dreading going back to them after mat leave.
People don't understand how exhausting it is to be awake all night working with very little sleep, and the sleep you do get isn't good quality!
YANBU

Sweetpotatoaddict · 03/09/2019 19:15

He’s being ridiculous. Sounds like the issue might be you dh rather than your job. So he woke you after you had 5 hours sleep and expected you to get up.
Is ds up overnight? I’ma bit confused about his hours, you say he works 6 hours a day but was finished at 1pm but only got up at 0730. I don’t mean to be difficult, just confused how it all works in. Nights are tiring and if you find they are triggering for your epilepsy perhaps you need to look for a solution. But for the moment you dh is being very unreasonable.

Reallybadidea · 03/09/2019 19:17

I don't think that it is really your night shifts that are the issue, but about him not pulling his weight.

Original poster

Raspberryfrog · 03/09/2019 19:19

Sorry it’s five hours a day he works and he finishes at half one. I am still half asleep. He wa swirling six hours before the holidays but is now on five

OP posts:

Original poster

Raspberryfrog · 03/09/2019 19:28

Sorry meant to say he was working six hours before the holidays and is now on five. I have just told him I am talking to my boss about swapping to 12 hour days on Monday and Tuesday and he looks horrified

OP posts:

Sorrysorrysosorry · 03/09/2019 19:29

So you usually only get 6 hrs in bed but your DH was moaning because you actually had 8?
Selfish arse. How much time does he get in bed at night?

Chesneyhawkes1 · 03/09/2019 19:31

YANBU. I work nights and sleep is so important. It's never the same quality sleep you get when you sleep at night either.

And people think because you are home all day, you can do stuff. So annoying.

tommycockles · 03/09/2019 19:33

If he taught instead of being a TA he could earn enough money to give you a break. Why isn't he using his skills?

HaileySherman · 03/09/2019 19:33

He sounds like he needd to grow up. In my marriage I found that it never mattered how much I did or had to do, no matter how si k or how little sleep I got, he was always worse off. His job was always harder than mine, even when he'd been laid off and was home and the kids at school. Then stay at home parent was the HARDEST job in the world. But when I was home with them when they were babies, he thought I had it made. Would make me feel so guilty that I'd waitress nights or deliver newspapers at 2 a.m to make up for it. Some people are just like that. Imo they are miserable people who want everything handed to them.

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