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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Night shift issues again

77 replies

Raspberryfrog · 03/09/2019 18:58

I work night shifts. At the moment I am doing two 12 hour shifts Monday night and Tuesday night. It’s a caring role and last night I was really really busy as the girl I care for was quite poorly
This morning I got in and got to bed about 10.

DH works 6 hours a day term time only as a teacher. He finished at 1 every day
He woke me at 3 and asked if I wanted to go and get Ds from school. I said I was shattered still after a busy night and please could he do it.

Usually I am up by 4 but when 4 came around I had a seizure (epileptic) so I asked if I could stay in bed a bit longer. I asked if Ds was ok and DH said he was being no trouble but I could tell DH was a bit annoyed but I am working tonight so had to recover.
I get up at 6 and come down. DH barges past me and says Ds is all yours I am going to bed.

I go upstairs and ask what he problem was and he says I have been in bed all day. I point out that the time is 10 past 6 and he was up at half seven this morning so he has not even been up for 12 hours yet. Yet I had done a 12 hour shift last night and was about to go on another.
Over the holidays I have worked 50 hour weeks to cover staff leave. Ds has been at holiday club most days and a couple of days DH took him out.
Aibu to think DH is not hard done by. I think I need to give up this job and find a day job it has caused nothing but trouble

OP posts:
Mistlewoeandwhine · 03/09/2019 20:30

I don’t think you should be doing night shifts if you have epilepsy. It messes with your biorhythms and people with epilepsy don’t need that extra stress. Take care of yourself xx

Elieza · 03/09/2019 20:31

Yeah totally swap to day shifts and if he says anything just tell him you were not getting a good quality sleep during the day.
He can put that in his pipe and smoke it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/09/2019 20:31

"I think I need to give up this job and find a day job it has caused nothing but trouble"
Certainly he is manipulating you into thinking this.

Sorry, but I think your husband is being a lazy-arsed responsibility-shirker, and I would be ripping him a new one forthwith.

ultrablue · 03/09/2019 20:32

Can I ask why you have worked 50 hr weeks to send DC to holiday club when Other half only works term time.. that's insane and a waste of good money.. I'd love holidays off with my kids and I bet you would too xx

Original poster
Raspberryfrog · 03/09/2019 20:35

The holiday club was only £2 a day and it was run by the football club that Ds supports so he rally wanted to go. He went about 3 days a week

OP posts:
BEDinhalfanhour · 03/09/2019 20:39

I think I need to give up this job and find a day job it has caused nothing but trouble

Keep the job, find a new DH.

category12 · 03/09/2019 20:42

Keep the job, find a new DH.

This ^

He sounds a selfish prick and you're overstretching yourself.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/09/2019 20:43

He woke you up after five hours sleep? What a shitbag.

It doesn't sound as though he likes you very much.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/09/2019 20:45

Just to check - had you said you wanted to pick DS up from school?

Or did he mean he wanted you to do it so he didn't have to - despite being awake and available?

RandomMess · 03/09/2019 20:45

Sounds like he doesn't think he should parent his own child!!!

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 03/09/2019 20:49

He woke you up after you’d had 5 hours sleep to ask if you wanted to collect your ds, even though he was awake and had finished work? What a selfish prick.

You have a dh problem.

PleasenomoreIcanttakeit · 03/09/2019 20:59

You probably had a seizure due to lack of sleep! And after a seizure you need to sleep it off to even be able to function. My late DH had epilepsy and after a seizure he was a zombie - he could have a conversation with me and then pass out, but remember absolutely nothing of it after he woke up.

Surely your DH knows this about epilepsy. If he does and doesn't care or understand then he is an utter and total dick who doesn't deserve the time of day. Grrrrr

Nightshiftmad · 03/09/2019 21:10

New husband would be better. Probably shouldn't be a teacher either as he lacks simple empathy. Terrible man.

cacklingmags · 03/09/2019 21:30

He is a selfish tosser. Lay down the law now or you will always be put at a disadvantage - this bloke is not even trying to be a supporting partner.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/09/2019 21:56

Has he always been like this, OP? Or has something changed to make him start putting himself ahead of everyone else in the family which also makes it harder for you to ignore his selfishness?

FluffyRabbitGal · 03/09/2019 22:55

As a shift worker (and doing more than my fair share of nights) I think unless you’ve worked nights, you have any clue what to expect. When I’m on nights, people often ask me what I’ve done all day and are frequently shocked when I say I’ve slept!!
My other half often used to joke that I ‘couldn’t be that busy as everyone is asleep’ until I got him to stay awake one night and gave him a blow by blow account of what I would be doing! He was actually quite supportive after that!
Good luck!!

What8Surpr1se8 · 04/09/2019 04:58

Night shifts are hard even if you have good health
Get enough sleep
Hydrate
I get it, because I work shifts too

SD1978 · 04/09/2019 06:10

Non nightshift workers will never get it. He clearly doesn't. So you let him know that you'll be changing to days an he will have to do all child care. I can't believe he tried to get you up for the school run- that should have been automatically his role for the day.

SleepyKat · 04/09/2019 06:42

Well I hope you rang him up at 3am and asked if he wanted to get out of bed and do some chores!

Darkstar4855 · 04/09/2019 07:10

The problem is your husband, not the job.

lottiegarbanzo · 04/09/2019 09:27

Non nightshift workers will never get it. I find that insulting to the intelligence of the average person.

People need 7-9 hours sleep each day/night. If you're working at night you need to sleep during the day. The average six year-old could do the maths and work out that if you go to bed at 10am you need to sleep to between 5pm and 7pm.

I'm sure there's a lot of subtlety about quality of sleep and messed up circadian rythms that people mighn't guess unless they experienced it - or were told by someone who'd done it.

This is really nothing to do with shift work and the understanding of how it works. It's about a selfish, lazy man who thinks all domestic and childcare tasks belong to his wife and who doesn't care about her, her enjoyment of life, or even her health.

Certainly OP, say you'll have to move to 12-hour day shifts, because his behaviour is preventing you from getting enough sleep to work safely at night. Let him think through the implications for his days. But he doesn't think childcare is his responsibility, so he'll just find another way to pass it on to others - and probably expect you to arrange this, or emotionally blackmail you into doing that, by deliberately doing a bad job.

Span1elsRock · 04/09/2019 09:35

I think I read your last thread OP in horror. This one is even worse.

He doesn't even like you by the sound of it, let alone love you. Sorry to be harsh.

When I worked in care, I often did a 12 hour shift on a Sunday. DH would have tea waiting when I got in, a hot bath run and he'd done absolutely everything at home so I just come in and be comatose on the sofa. Working in care is a tough job physically and mentally, let alone working nights when you have epilepsy. I'm quite shocked you can even work nights if you've declared that to your employer. You need to look after yourself better, and that probably means ditching the deadweight. ie your "D" H.............

LannieDuck · 04/09/2019 10:19

Why is he horrified at you wanting to switch back to day shifts? I can't see how that would impact on him negatively?

lottiegarbanzo · 04/09/2019 10:34

Because he'd have to care for their child, before and after school, of course.

SD1978 · 05/09/2019 08:33

@lottiegarbanzo - it's not an insult to anyone's intelligence- but believe me when I say there is a lot more to doing nightshift than juts the sleep thing- day sleeping is rarely as easy as night sleeping, and rarely do you sleep as long or as well as the average person who sleeps during the night. The hours slept are such a small part of what makes nights so much tougher, I with all due respect, genuinely believe no one who has not done night shift does understand the strain both mentally and physically a nightshift job entails. It's not all negative- obviously. But there are big differences.