To think a relationship can work despite a large difference in incomes?

[maiafawnly]

Im a single parent to 3 teenage children. I earn an average wage of about £24k a year depending on enhancements and extra shifts i pick up. I manage ok, i rent, dont own and do depend on my child benefits and the universal credits im entitled to to get by. We don't have extravagant holidays, my car is 15 years old, i make an effort to do one activity or trip out a month, ice skating cinema etc my kids wear nice but not expensive clothes etc. I think its a pretty normal set up. I get no financial support from my childrens father. He is under investigation however.

Ive recently started seeing a new man. Things are great so far, lots in common, same values, similar idea for a future, good chemistry and we laugh alot. Weve had more than a handful of dates and im optimistic about where it is heading, each date has gotten better. Only I recently found out he has a six figure salary. I knew he has a good job when we met (polar opposite to mine) though i had no idea how good and his income never impacted my decision to date him. In fact a shared hobby was what brought us together.

A friend has placed some doubt in my mind, suggesting I shouldn't expect it to work out. That he will tire of me not being able to 50/50 fund everything, he will want trips and holidays etc that i couldn't pay my share of and should we set up home together i would lose all my financial support and he would have to take on 3 expensive teenagers which would cause the relationship to dissolve.

Aibu to think a relationship can survive when one party earns 4 times the others? Or should i just knock it on the head before i fall too deep. I really like him. My last relationship ending devastated me. I don't think id manage through that again.

I'm in a similar boat op. My dp earns 3/4 times what I do. I pay what I can toward me anything joint and make it clear when or if I can't as then he has a choice.

I also do other things to make up for not being able to pay 50/50, eg making him extra portions of dinners that I'm cooking for my family so that he doesn't have to cook etc.

We've been seeing each other over a year now and he's shown no signs of cooling off because I'm not as loaded as him. If your guy is a good one I'd hope he'd realise that you have pay proportionately

It didn’t work in my first marriage. My exH worked in retail and earned around 16-17k, he had no desire to change this. No drive or ambition whatsoever. I went to uni for four years and my starting wage was almost double his. I pleaded and pleaded with him to try college or uni, something that would better his life but nope- he refused. I left and I’m so glad, my new DH earns a similar amount and my exH is still working retail.

For me it was just the fact that he couldn’t contribute to the household evenly and he was always broke so if I wanted to go somewhere, I generally paid. It became tiresome.

Lots of people in committed relationships end up not contributing 50/50, for health reasons, childcare, career reload etc. It isn't one of the determining factors in a successful relationship, but being honest is. If you can have a frank chats with him on the subject of money, and you are both in agreement about financial issues, then I think that's more important.

I earn about 4 times of what my husband does. been married 9 years, together 13. not an issue at all

I don't earn anything and dh is low earner. been together 30 years.
If you both agree and stay on the same page, no problem.
it's when one of you moves the goal posts from the original agreement that problems arise.

I think perhaps your attitudes to money are more important than the actual sums involved.

If one is a "spend spend spend" mindset with no thought for tomorrow and the other is frantically squirreling away rainy day cash, then there will be a disconnect down the line.

There was a news article (guardian I think) about the 8 most important conversations to have with your partner. Money should be one of them.

I've been married for 15 years and my husband out earns me by miles. Hasn't caused any issues. Any money earnt is "our money".

It's much more down to the personalities in the relationship than the bare facts of salary numbers

It sounds like your friend might be jealous OP!

Married for ten years, I teach and DH earns in a couple of days what I earn in a month. It works for us because DH is absolutely not money-focussed and we're pretty much on the same page when it comes to everything (except politics).

My only rule was that we put equal amounts into the house when we moved in together, and I made sure when we bought that despite his huge borrowing potential, we bought somewhere I could buy him out of if the shit ever hit the fan. That sounds mercenary, but I already had DS1 and my own home, so committing to DH was a big leap of faith.

My DH was unemployed when we met and i have a six-figure salary. He then got a minimum wage job but now that we live together I work and he is a house husband. I have an MA and he didn’t graduate from high school. We are proof that it can work.

We've been married 18 years and slowly my husband's income has grown and mine has not. It's not an issue as we agreed I'd go part time once we had children. We've never done 50/50 as he works long days and I have time to do the house stuff, childcare etc.

Your friend sounds jealous. You can only know if it'll work if you try. Just keep an eye out on his attitude towards the money issue and don't be entitled (which from your post doesn't sound likely anyway).

Your friend is right.

Can you talk to him. Find out if you are on the same page?

You (presumably) don't want to go into debt trying to keep up with his lifestyle. Nor do you want to take the piss and have him funding everything. Nor do you want to limit him if the are things he wants to do.

I earn 10x my OH's income. Except it is family money. And when we got together I had less income. Then very similar. I only really outstripped when we were settled. So I don't feel I'm taken advantage of by funding family needs and wants.

Might be different in the early days of a relationship.

So talk to him

Just take your time. Enjoy dating. He is probably in no rush to move in with 3 teenagers anyway. Build some shared history and have fun without spending a packet.

I earned pretty big money (for a woman, sad to say but true) and did so when I met DH. I was very quickly pregnant and now don't work at all because the morning sickness killed me (it's twins) and I can't go back to the job now, so our scenario is, him = big bucks, me = not a single bean.

Works for us, because he actually likes feeling he's the provider. I'm grateful for being in the position that we all have a lovely lifestyle entirely funded by him that he doesn't remotely complain about one bit. He's never resentful about his long week at work. I show my appreciation by lots of home cooking, keeping the house nicely, doing all the admin, any errands he leaves, dry cleaning, that sort of thing, basically taking care of everything else, so whilst he's working hard every day, when he gets home, he's got literally nothing to think about. He really likes the set up. It's a bit stepford wife to some, I get that, but we don't find it that way and it works for us.

Personally OP, I wouldn't worry about the earning dynamic. It makes some guys really happy to be the significant bread winner, which I know has to be frowned upon as old fashioned and declared behind the times these days, but in my experience, it works, and there's nothing wrong or belittling with being honest enough to say so.

In my experience it works better when the male has the higher income (historically more socially accepted from the start).

Of course it can, and ex and I had vastly different incomes (money didn’t end our relationship), I have a well paying job in finance, he was doing a hobby career which at the time barely brought any money in (it has now taken off and he hugely outearns me). But it wasn’t my money or his money, it was our money, where it originally came from didn’t matter.

Both our wages went into the joint account to pay bills, we had x amount we put in savings each month and we were free to spend the rest.

I (female) earn 3 times was my male OH does (and we graduated at the same time in the same subject), been togher 20+ years it's never been an issue.

It depends on the individuals. I put earn DH by over 4x and it’s been as high as 10x.
However, we have similar attitudes to spending and money. DH contributes a lot in practical ways. The bills are shared proportionately etc.
We’ve been married over 19 years and I have always earned multiples of his salary.

My father was a very successful millionaire business man
My mother a nurse

They had a wonderful marriage. Money never ever mentioned

out earn

In my experience it works better when the male has the higher income (historically more socially accepted from the start).
agree, I would have no respect for a partner on a pittance.

As PP said, I think attitudes to money are more important than the money itself. I outearn my DH, I always have, sometimes by a little, often by much more. Currently I earn double his salary. We pay proportionate amounts into our joint account for household expenses, I pay all of the car, holidays etc. It works for us.

My DH earns about 5x what I do.

BUT when we got together we were about equal.

I’m think it works if the relationship has evolved to the point where one earns significantly more than the other - but where you’re starting with such a disparity, it’s got to make things a lot more difficult.