To think a relationship can work despite a large difference in incomes?

[maiafawnly]

Im a single parent to 3 teenage children. I earn an average wage of about £24k a year depending on enhancements and extra shifts i pick up. I manage ok, i rent, dont own and do depend on my child benefits and the universal credits im entitled to to get by. We don't have extravagant holidays, my car is 15 years old, i make an effort to do one activity or trip out a month, ice skating cinema etc my kids wear nice but not expensive clothes etc. I think its a pretty normal set up. I get no financial support from my childrens father. He is under investigation however.

Ive recently started seeing a new man. Things are great so far, lots in common, same values, similar idea for a future, good chemistry and we laugh alot. Weve had more than a handful of dates and im optimistic about where it is heading, each date has gotten better. Only I recently found out he has a six figure salary. I knew he has a good job when we met (polar opposite to mine) though i had no idea how good and his income never impacted my decision to date him. In fact a shared hobby was what brought us together.

A friend has placed some doubt in my mind, suggesting I shouldn't expect it to work out. That he will tire of me not being able to 50/50 fund everything, he will want trips and holidays etc that i couldn't pay my share of and should we set up home together i would lose all my financial support and he would have to take on 3 expensive teenagers which would cause the relationship to dissolve.

Aibu to think a relationship can survive when one party earns 4 times the others? Or should i just knock it on the head before i fall too deep. I really like him. My last relationship ending devastated me. I don't think id manage through that again.

There's a type of man who:

1. Wants a high earning woman to supplement his lifestyle; but
2. Will resent her higher earning power; and
3. Will seek to 'punish' her for it (even/especially later if she's a SAHM).

Watch carefully for that one.

In my experience it works better when the male has the higher income (historically more socially accepted from the start).

I was about to say the same.

Most women would be put off by an unambitious man but it seems that the richer a male is the more likely that he'll have a 'lady that lunches' trophy wife.

Will 'lads that lunch' ever become a thing I wonder. 🤔

I think it depends on how much the lower earner gets. If they are still on a decent salary and can afford to pay for things too then it's not so much of a problem. Even less so if the higher earner is not the type of person who expects fine dining and vintage wines, but is ok to go to less expensive places.

I think alot of people are missing the point. OP has 3 teenagers, we're not talking about university relationships lasting the distance.

This is a later stage of life relationship and I am inclined to agree with OPs friend.... Had you both had no children I would probably think different.

That's not to say it can't or won't work.... And the teens will be self sufficient in a few years so I wouldn't be hasty..... But maybe a frank chat about holidays etc needs to be had.

When DH and I got together, his income shadowed mine by a tonne.

Now, my income dwarfs his, and we still share finances. I think the most important issue is honesty, both ways.

combatbarbie My Step-Dad took on my Mum's four children. He was the higher earner. As far as he was concerned we were a family, therefore it was all in the pot as family money.

I earn about 4 times what my husband earns. I've always earned more. It's never bothered me and doesn't seem to bother him. We have a joint account and don't have his/hers pots.

Your friend sounds jealous tbh. My boyfriend earns 6 times my salary, none of my friends know exactly how much he earns, but we have recently moved to a fairly pricey rented property and some have started acting a bit weird about it.

Anywho, I think it's totally possible, still early days so enjoy getting to know each other .

Why do you have to 'set up home together'? Plenty of people have amazing relationships and don't live together or join finances. I have a close cousin who has two teen sons and is divorced. She earns 6 figures, but her boyfriend earns WAY more. His kids are also well into adulthood as he had them younger (she was in her 30s when she married her ex h). If they 'set up house' then he'd be financially responsible for their support at uni, yes, it's based on household income. That's not fair, but that's the way the system works. So they hold off on that and perhaps forever. She and their father provide for them, not the boyfriend.

Why not just enjoy things for now and see how you get on.

I haven't earnt anything in most of our adult life together. The first two years I worked while he studied. After that I couldnt work due to visa requirements so we make do with just his income. We have has shated finances since we were 18 in 6th form and first opened our joint account to get a free meal out at Pizza Express 😂 occasionally he asks what I want to do with my life, if we ever end up on a visa or greencard where I can work. I have no idea... I'll probably be at least 44 by then and with no work experience etc it is hard to wrap my head around.

I think so long as you are both on the same page and keep everything joint it works fine.

I think perhaps your attitudes to money are more important than the actual sums involved

Very much this. I think as long as you're both will to talk about it, and address it as your relationship progresses, i don't see why it would be an issue. You're currently financially independent so unless you plan on sponging off him (not an accusation!) I don't see a problem.

Works for me. He earns a lot but never bothered saving, I earn nothing after taking early retirement from a successful career BUT I brought capital to the relationship so I 'provided' the house and the cars and he maintains them. It's all 'ours' at the end of the day.

I think it depends on your relationship. My husband earns about five times my salary. That hasn’t always been the case and were both now high earners but I earned a pittance for a good few years, because I worked part time.
What we had was equality within our partnership. All earnings and coats belonged to both of us; they still do. In order to succeed you are both going to have to be honest about both monies and feelings.

My DH earns way more than I do (or ever would in my current profession). We were in this situation when we first met. He's a generous guy so it has never been an issue & I've never lied about what I can afford.

DH earns my annual salary in a week.
I still work, and "contribute" BUT it's very much just pocket money and my career (which I spent four years at uni for) comes a very obvious second to his.
It does work for us though.

I think often a massive difference in income can mean difference in ambition, education, values or background. However you say you have lots in common so this is perhaps no an issue for you.

I think it's a bigger issue when one side isn't seen to be pulling their weight. But you're supporting 3 teenagers on your own so it's hardly like you just can't be bothered to earn more.

Perhaps a gentle chat about it would help? Not the longer term stuff but the who can afford what in terms of dates and lifestyle. This should give you an indof how he approaches money. Without having to have the whole chat about of you move in together just yet.

I’m think it works if the relationship has evolved to the point where one earns significantly more than the other - but where you’re starting with such a disparity, it’s got to make things a lot more difficult.
I agree with you.
It can work with a large difference at the start, but given money causes the most issues in relationships such a big difference early on (especially with teenage children involved) makes it more difficult.

I think it's a shame that in true MN fashion some have decided a friend couldn't possibly give some advice or guidance without being deemed to be jealous. It's a ridiculous argument made on here to dismiss usually valid opinions or things to consider.

I think it can. When DH and I first lived together, I earned much more. This situation continued beyond the birth of DD1 even when I went part time. Today, however, his quarterly bonus is more than half my annual salary. You never know what is round the corner but if we ended up as we started out, we'd still be fine.

DP earns 3 times as much as me and is very generous. No hang ups about money, we don't have major discussions about it. Agree with pp's it's attitudes to money that matter.

I don't think it's a problem if you both don't see it as one.

I see you having three kids and him none as a bigger potential issue. However you only just started dating so co habitation is a couple of years away. Your children are already teenagers, you don't say how old, but one or more of them may have moved out before this even becomes an issue.

I’ve known several successful couples with disparate earning potentials. They have a shared budget. The difference was they only had shared children.

I would mostly be concerned about the impact on your benefits of the relationship proceeding.

I don’t see the difference in income being a problem. Taking on three teenagers however may well end up being more complicated.

I’ve been thinking about this and our friends and neighbours. I think almost without exception there is a huge difference in earnings/income between the two spouses.
In most cases, the woman has focussed on child raising whilst the man has grown his career to become a very high earner; that’s quite a different situation to a high earner taking on a family. The women have generally worked in professional roles - headteachers, GPs or consultants, solicitors etc but not been driven to maximise their earning potential.
I think you must take one step at a time and be honest with yourself and each other. Don’t commit to cohabitation and becoming one family or get pregnant until you are sure it’s going to be an equal and happy partnership with no resentment about one earning the most and one supporting.